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Parent Emeritus
Last night he said "no contact." He called this morning.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664205" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You are right, Copa. But if we have diminished their capacities to believe in themselves through leaping in to smooth the path at every opportunity, and if we can instead project confidence that they can handle whatever it is on their own and that we trust them to do so, then that would be a way, would be a thing we could do and an attitude to hold, to counter whatever message we have sent about who they are before we learned what enabling is and what it means, not only to our relationships with the kids, but in how the kids see themselves.</p><p></p><p>That is another facet of the rottenness of enabling. We turn ourselves into cynics, and our kids into people who believe that if only the story is terrible enough ~ if only we believe they have been victimized enough by circumstances beyond their control, there is a payday.</p><p></p><p>And I never once was able to see it that way until, one day, I did.</p><p></p><p>Well, it took a long time actually.</p><p></p><p>And it started with SWOT's thread on verbal abuse between parent and adult child. Just that one little post I could not forget and kept going back to changed everything for me.</p><p></p><p>And so far, so it seems, for the kids.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664205, member: 17461"] You are right, Copa. But if we have diminished their capacities to believe in themselves through leaping in to smooth the path at every opportunity, and if we can instead project confidence that they can handle whatever it is on their own and that we trust them to do so, then that would be a way, would be a thing we could do and an attitude to hold, to counter whatever message we have sent about who they are before we learned what enabling is and what it means, not only to our relationships with the kids, but in how the kids see themselves. That is another facet of the rottenness of enabling. We turn ourselves into cynics, and our kids into people who believe that if only the story is terrible enough ~ if only we believe they have been victimized enough by circumstances beyond their control, there is a payday. And I never once was able to see it that way until, one day, I did. Well, it took a long time actually. And it started with SWOT's thread on verbal abuse between parent and adult child. Just that one little post I could not forget and kept going back to changed everything for me. And so far, so it seems, for the kids. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Parent Emeritus
Last night he said "no contact." He called this morning.
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