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<blockquote data-quote="SeekingStrength" data-source="post: 620411" data-attributes="member: 17635"><p>Good for you COM. We knew this might happen - difficult child showing up at 3AM. Years ago, we kicked our difficult child out (he was probably about 20). He showed up about 3AM, pounding on the bathroom window. husband refused to let him in, with difficult child saying <em>I have no place to go and I'm hungry</em>. The next night, husband left crackers and peanut butter on the porch. difficult child showed up sometime during the night and scattered the food all over the porch.</p><p></p><p>difficult child, for years, has thrown up the time <em> I had to sleep in the park.</em></p><p>Our fault, always our fault.</p><p></p><p>I know exactly what you mean about <strong>detachment with mad. </strong>It certainly makes it easier. It is hard to show detachment with love, when our difficult child doesn't seem to want any part of love. In their mind, if we don't enable them, we have no love.</p><p></p><p>Others have said so many times on this board, <strong>You know what? They can still choose to be nice.</strong> It is difficult to understand why they think they can get us to enable them while they are being hateful.</p><p></p><p>You made it through another crisis. Sounds like you have a good plan, unless you want to tweak it, for the next crisis.</p><p></p><p>I ran across a very helpful website today. It's Focus on the Family, and seems like I have disagreed with them in the past (but I cannot remember why). It is advice by Allison Bottke and may have already been discussed here many times.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_challenges/set_boundaries_with_adult_kids.aspx" target="_blank">http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_challenges/set_boundaries_with_adult_kids.aspx</a></p><p></p><p>A snippet:</p><p></p><p><strong>But for right now, in order to get smart and take action, you must be ready to declare the following:</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>As of today, I will no longer be...</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>an enabler to someone who has no self-respect or respect for me</strong></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>a rescuer to someone who has no desire to be rescued</strong></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><strong>a caregiver to someone who is capable of caring for himself or herself</strong></li> </ul><p><strong>I can hear you asking, "But what will happen if I stop doing all these things I've done all these years to 'help'?"</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I don't know, but let me ask you a question: Has what you've been doing all this time been helping — really?</strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SeekingStrength, post: 620411, member: 17635"] Good for you COM. We knew this might happen - difficult child showing up at 3AM. Years ago, we kicked our difficult child out (he was probably about 20). He showed up about 3AM, pounding on the bathroom window. husband refused to let him in, with difficult child saying [I]I have no place to go and I'm hungry[/I]. The next night, husband left crackers and peanut butter on the porch. difficult child showed up sometime during the night and scattered the food all over the porch. difficult child, for years, has thrown up the time [I] I had to sleep in the park.[/I] Our fault, always our fault. I know exactly what you mean about [B]detachment with mad. [/B]It certainly makes it easier. It is hard to show detachment with love, when our difficult child doesn't seem to want any part of love. In their mind, if we don't enable them, we have no love. Others have said so many times on this board, [B]You know what? They can still choose to be nice.[/B] It is difficult to understand why they think they can get us to enable them while they are being hateful. You made it through another crisis. Sounds like you have a good plan, unless you want to tweak it, for the next crisis. I ran across a very helpful website today. It's Focus on the Family, and seems like I have disagreed with them in the past (but I cannot remember why). It is advice by Allison Bottke and may have already been discussed here many times. [url]http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_challenges/set_boundaries_with_adult_kids.aspx[/url] A snippet: [B]But for right now, in order to get smart and take action, you must be ready to declare the following: As of today, I will no longer be... [/B] [LIST] [*][B]an enabler to someone who has no self-respect or respect for me[/B] [*][B]a rescuer to someone who has no desire to be rescued[/B] [*][B]a caregiver to someone who is capable of caring for himself or herself[/B] [/LIST] [B]I can hear you asking, "But what will happen if I stop doing all these things I've done all these years to 'help'?" I don't know, but let me ask you a question: Has what you've been doing all this time been helping — really?[/B] [/QUOTE]
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