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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620441" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p><em>"You can't paddle another man's canoe for him</em>." --- Old saying quoted again by Allison Bottke</p><p></p><p>Just another update---about 4:30 yesterday afternoon I got a text: "I don't know what to do."</p><p></p><p>Then a couple of hours later, the calls from a strange number began---finally he left a voice mail wanting a ride to the Salvation Army shelter. He said he had blisters on his feet from walking all day, and he couldn't walk there. </p><p></p><p>I turned my phone off and SO and I went upstairs to watch Breaking Bad (we have 8 episodes left---don't tell us! Yes, we are way behind the times. Lol)</p><p></p><p>When we came back downstairs, I checked my phone again---more calls from other numbers, no messages.</p><p></p><p>I am not responding to him right now. <u>I believe THIS is the critical time for him and for me, and if he has a chance to change, this is it, this time. </u></p><p></p><p>But I also have to keep in mind that he may not change--as he hasn't yet---and this is for ME just as much as it is for HIM. </p><p></p><p>We looked up the first phone number---it is a grocery store near my ex's house and about three to four miles to the SA shelter. </p><p></p><p>I will admit, the blisters on his feet twinged me. That is the first time I've felt a twinge. </p><p></p><p>I know that if he doesn't start moving forward himself and he keeps on calling, texting and showing up here with pitiful stories, that will be hard on me, over time. </p><p></p><p>Part of me has no respect for it at all---and it makes me ill that a 24.5 year old man is pretending to be that helpless.</p><p></p><p>The other mommy part starts to struggle over time. So I have to make a new plan (always a new plan as things unfold) about how to limit my exposure technology-wise if this happens. My SO suggested I turn off texting for a while, and I might do that.</p><p></p><p>My phone is my only phone for work and personal so I can't turn that off. And since he is calling from all sorts of numbers---he has no phone---I can't block the number. </p><p></p><p>He also facebooked my older son and said "i can't believe you are leaving me on the street." So he's sharing the joy. </p><p></p><p>I am so grateful that I am at this point in my recovery from enabling. I know I need to keep moving forward with my detachment and I am going to work on it every single day. </p><p></p><p>Yes it is harder to do this in crisis. That is why it is so vital to our recovery---I saw that this time---to make a plan, to write it down and to share it with other people, and even plan for contingencies, as much as possible. I rehearsed what I was going to say in my head and on this site several times and I also put it on paper and printed it out and put it in my purse.</p><p></p><p>If we don't, we are in danger of just reacting. We have to remember that this is likely the hardest thing we will ever do---saying No to our adult children who have not grown up and taken responsibility for their own lives.</p><p></p><p>Losing our parents, losing our own health, losing our jobs, losing our spouse or significant other, losing a close family member like a sister or a brother---this is harder than all of that. </p><p></p><p>This goes against our very DNA and of course, all of culture, especially in today's too-precious child culture combined with helicopter parenting. Guilty as charged, right here. </p><p></p><p>We have to stop for us. We have to stop for them. </p><p></p><p>The alternative is a life of insanity for both of us. </p><p></p><p>Let's keep talking---you all, each and every one, with your stories, your care and your wisdom, have helped me so much. Also, as I take the time to write to others from my own experience, it helps me to repeat the truths I have learned. It helps me to acknowledge my own deficiencies in actually carrying this out----even as I KNOW what to do now, finally, sometimes I can't do it. And then I forgive myself, and get up and try again. </p><p></p><p>I believe with all of my heart, mind and soul that this path to detachment with love is the absolute only way to find peace, joy, contentment, serenity and hope on this journey. And it's my difficult child's only chance to make it, IF HE CHOOSES.</p><p></p><p>May we all have the strength, courage and hope to do what we need to do today, whatever that is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620441, member: 17542"] [I]"You can't paddle another man's canoe for him[/I]." --- Old saying quoted again by Allison Bottke Just another update---about 4:30 yesterday afternoon I got a text: "I don't know what to do." Then a couple of hours later, the calls from a strange number began---finally he left a voice mail wanting a ride to the Salvation Army shelter. He said he had blisters on his feet from walking all day, and he couldn't walk there. I turned my phone off and SO and I went upstairs to watch Breaking Bad (we have 8 episodes left---don't tell us! Yes, we are way behind the times. Lol) When we came back downstairs, I checked my phone again---more calls from other numbers, no messages. I am not responding to him right now. [U]I believe THIS is the critical time for him and for me, and if he has a chance to change, this is it, this time. [/U] But I also have to keep in mind that he may not change--as he hasn't yet---and this is for ME just as much as it is for HIM. We looked up the first phone number---it is a grocery store near my ex's house and about three to four miles to the SA shelter. I will admit, the blisters on his feet twinged me. That is the first time I've felt a twinge. I know that if he doesn't start moving forward himself and he keeps on calling, texting and showing up here with pitiful stories, that will be hard on me, over time. Part of me has no respect for it at all---and it makes me ill that a 24.5 year old man is pretending to be that helpless. The other mommy part starts to struggle over time. So I have to make a new plan (always a new plan as things unfold) about how to limit my exposure technology-wise if this happens. My SO suggested I turn off texting for a while, and I might do that. My phone is my only phone for work and personal so I can't turn that off. And since he is calling from all sorts of numbers---he has no phone---I can't block the number. He also facebooked my older son and said "i can't believe you are leaving me on the street." So he's sharing the joy. I am so grateful that I am at this point in my recovery from enabling. I know I need to keep moving forward with my detachment and I am going to work on it every single day. Yes it is harder to do this in crisis. That is why it is so vital to our recovery---I saw that this time---to make a plan, to write it down and to share it with other people, and even plan for contingencies, as much as possible. I rehearsed what I was going to say in my head and on this site several times and I also put it on paper and printed it out and put it in my purse. If we don't, we are in danger of just reacting. We have to remember that this is likely the hardest thing we will ever do---saying No to our adult children who have not grown up and taken responsibility for their own lives. Losing our parents, losing our own health, losing our jobs, losing our spouse or significant other, losing a close family member like a sister or a brother---this is harder than all of that. This goes against our very DNA and of course, all of culture, especially in today's too-precious child culture combined with helicopter parenting. Guilty as charged, right here. We have to stop for us. We have to stop for them. The alternative is a life of insanity for both of us. Let's keep talking---you all, each and every one, with your stories, your care and your wisdom, have helped me so much. Also, as I take the time to write to others from my own experience, it helps me to repeat the truths I have learned. It helps me to acknowledge my own deficiencies in actually carrying this out----even as I KNOW what to do now, finally, sometimes I can't do it. And then I forgive myself, and get up and try again. I believe with all of my heart, mind and soul that this path to detachment with love is the absolute only way to find peace, joy, contentment, serenity and hope on this journey. And it's my difficult child's only chance to make it, IF HE CHOOSES. May we all have the strength, courage and hope to do what we need to do today, whatever that is. [/QUOTE]
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