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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620459" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There have been times when I did what I had to because I knew the alternative was worse. There were only bad choices. </p><p></p><p>You are in that place now, Child.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could take the hellishness of it away. What I can tell you is that if you stand your ground this one time, you will not go through it at this depth, again. If you give in...you will. You may think you don't have the strength to stay the course. husband and I did not, not over time. It was the blistered feet, the frozen feet, the winter temps that got us, too. We said no and no and no, turned the phone off, went to bed...I never want to spend another night like that one. I always tell that story. It turned out difficult child daughter and her druggie friends had been blacklisted. We could not rent her a room, anyway. But as the torture of it went on for husband and I, we gave in.</p><p></p><p>Because the consequences of our decisions happen in the real, physical world. You don't know the feel of that part, yet. I hope you never do.</p><p></p><p>We had to. Give in, I mean. After we said no, the determination to be free of what difficult child daughter had done turned to fear, and anger and depression. Then, we turned those emotions onto ourselves and each other.</p><p></p><p>It was the punishment we levied at ourselves ~ not husband to me, but me to myself, husband to himself ~ that is why we gave in.</p><p></p><p>And I mean it when I say I never, ever, want to spend another night like that one.</p><p></p><p>But then, as I said, she was blacklisted and the situation was out of our hands. And she survived, on the streets, without us for the rest of that brutally cold Minnesota winter.</p><p></p><p>There are times when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, times when all we can do is know we do not want to go back to what we had. </p><p></p><p>I describe the horror of what husband and I have gone through with words of such emotional intensity because those are the only words that catch the essence of the experience. There was nothing good or right about it. I did not receive spiritual enlightenment through it. It was not a question of love, it was a question of being scraped naked and raw. </p><p></p><p>The trauma of what we went through, especially this last time, ignited other, long buried traumatic events. The proportions of my responses to events which should have been routine became, instead, outrageous, overwhelming. I could not function, through the worst of it. I had developed a form of PTSD.</p><p></p><p>I am wavering right now, as I deal with the consequences of holding strong against my heart where difficult child daughter was concerned, last summer. She was beat almost to death in the place she had to go to instead of coming to live at home.</p><p></p><p>It makes me feel dizzy to know that.</p><p></p><p>There are real consequences to the decisions we make.</p><p></p><p>The way I see it now, the repeated trauma of what was happening with the kids, the cost to our spirits, to our capacity to convince ourselves we were doing the right thing when every intuitive knowing screamed that what we were doing was wrong...broke me open. I had no defense. All the ghosties and demons from the past had been stored in my psyche in the same places other traumatic incidents with the kids were stored.</p><p></p><p>That is what I am putting back together now, here on the site.</p><p></p><p>Myself.</p><p></p><p>The same thing, those same levels of pain, happened to Recovering. To Midwest Mom. It happens to all of us when we have to do what we have to do because nothing, nothing, nothing helps. That is what I meant when I said there are differences for those whose kids are over thirty. That is why Recovering tells us all to enter therapy, to find outside support, to post and post here.</p><p></p><p>Know that I know where you are, what this feels like. If you can keep that wall between what you feel and what you know absolutely intact, you will get through this. Emotion is like water. It is there, it cannot be compressed or changed. But it can be managed. Take very, very good care of yourself during this time. Whether it feels like it or not, you are being traumatized through these experiences. Support is a wonderful thing, but...you are the mother. The worst of this is going to fall on you. Understand so clearly that if your son is ever going to recover himself, this is the only way. Believing in that way will help YOU.</p><p></p><p>It will help you stay the course.</p><p></p><p>Please know we understand the things you aren't posting about.</p><p></p><p>We are right here. We are right here, Child of Mine. we have been where you are and we made it.</p><p></p><p>You can do this.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620459, member: 17461"] There have been times when I did what I had to because I knew the alternative was worse. There were only bad choices. You are in that place now, Child. I wish I could take the hellishness of it away. What I can tell you is that if you stand your ground this one time, you will not go through it at this depth, again. If you give in...you will. You may think you don't have the strength to stay the course. husband and I did not, not over time. It was the blistered feet, the frozen feet, the winter temps that got us, too. We said no and no and no, turned the phone off, went to bed...I never want to spend another night like that one. I always tell that story. It turned out difficult child daughter and her druggie friends had been blacklisted. We could not rent her a room, anyway. But as the torture of it went on for husband and I, we gave in. Because the consequences of our decisions happen in the real, physical world. You don't know the feel of that part, yet. I hope you never do. We had to. Give in, I mean. After we said no, the determination to be free of what difficult child daughter had done turned to fear, and anger and depression. Then, we turned those emotions onto ourselves and each other. It was the punishment we levied at ourselves ~ not husband to me, but me to myself, husband to himself ~ that is why we gave in. And I mean it when I say I never, ever, want to spend another night like that one. But then, as I said, she was blacklisted and the situation was out of our hands. And she survived, on the streets, without us for the rest of that brutally cold Minnesota winter. There are times when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, times when all we can do is know we do not want to go back to what we had. I describe the horror of what husband and I have gone through with words of such emotional intensity because those are the only words that catch the essence of the experience. There was nothing good or right about it. I did not receive spiritual enlightenment through it. It was not a question of love, it was a question of being scraped naked and raw. The trauma of what we went through, especially this last time, ignited other, long buried traumatic events. The proportions of my responses to events which should have been routine became, instead, outrageous, overwhelming. I could not function, through the worst of it. I had developed a form of PTSD. I am wavering right now, as I deal with the consequences of holding strong against my heart where difficult child daughter was concerned, last summer. She was beat almost to death in the place she had to go to instead of coming to live at home. It makes me feel dizzy to know that. There are real consequences to the decisions we make. The way I see it now, the repeated trauma of what was happening with the kids, the cost to our spirits, to our capacity to convince ourselves we were doing the right thing when every intuitive knowing screamed that what we were doing was wrong...broke me open. I had no defense. All the ghosties and demons from the past had been stored in my psyche in the same places other traumatic incidents with the kids were stored. That is what I am putting back together now, here on the site. Myself. The same thing, those same levels of pain, happened to Recovering. To Midwest Mom. It happens to all of us when we have to do what we have to do because nothing, nothing, nothing helps. That is what I meant when I said there are differences for those whose kids are over thirty. That is why Recovering tells us all to enter therapy, to find outside support, to post and post here. Know that I know where you are, what this feels like. If you can keep that wall between what you feel and what you know absolutely intact, you will get through this. Emotion is like water. It is there, it cannot be compressed or changed. But it can be managed. Take very, very good care of yourself during this time. Whether it feels like it or not, you are being traumatized through these experiences. Support is a wonderful thing, but...you are the mother. The worst of this is going to fall on you. Understand so clearly that if your son is ever going to recover himself, this is the only way. Believing in that way will help YOU. It will help you stay the course. Please know we understand the things you aren't posting about. We are right here. We are right here, Child of Mine. we have been where you are and we made it. You can do this. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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