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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620467" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Remember...if you've ever read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud (I believe) the book talks about how, once we set boundaries, a regular person will respect them. A difficult child-like person will scream at you, up the ante, beg you to change back to how it was, continue to try to control you, pout, control, pout, control..until he gets his way. Let's be blunt here. Blisters aren't serious or terminal. You've had them. I have. We've had to walk on them and we've had to work on blistered feet. Do you think maybe he is just using that to make you feel guilty? To guilt trip you into showing him that he can still get you where he wants you to be? Trust me, I have been in your shoes and given in and I always kick myself later as it just started my difficult child doing even more self-pity and asking for bigger favors...again. I am talking about my control freak kid here...he is the one I call 36. He will do anything, say anything to try to get me to behave in a way that accepts his horrible behavior. He is the one I have to pull back on. He has a terrible stomach ache, maybe an ulcer, or he is going to kill himself because he can't take the stress or he is going to make me sorry if I don't do this or that (whatever it is he wants me to do at the time).</p><p></p><p>It took a long time to be able to hang up the phone. Well, first I told him, "I love to talk to you and I love you, but you have to treat me with respect or I will have to terminate our discussion instantly." The first few times I did it, he left me numerous nasty, cuss-infested voicemails and texts. Now he doesn't anymore and he is vile less often, but he not under much stress right now either. We'll see how he is the next time he is under stress. It doesn't matter to me WHY he is doing it...he can not control me anymore and I'm not going to do favors for a 36 year old man. Sorry, but it isn't happening. That is my boundaries. It made him crazy at first until he believed I meant it. Unlike some difficult children, he did not cut me off, but he could sometime. I wouldn't put it past him.</p><p></p><p>I guess I'm telling you all this to say, in a long-winded way, that "I understand. Boy, do I understand." For a while after difficult child was kicked out for cussing me out, getting in my face, and intimidating me so that I was afraid of him (and this was many, many times), he lived out of motels and his dad paid for them (I can't control Dad). Sometimes I'd feel really sorry for him and bring him home cooked food and talk to him for a while in his current hotel. But I didn't let him come back home. I'm glad I didn't. His father eventually bought a condo just so that difficult child would have a place to live and then ex would call me with difficult child abuse stories...such as being shoved by his tall, strong son, being cussed it, having things thrown at him etc. That made me relieved that I hadn't given in to my mommy hurting heart.</p><p></p><p>Society tells us that we are supposed to, in some way, parent our children forever...be the wise ones who give the advice, be there when the roof falls in. But these difficult children break societal norms. They are toxic to live with, often dangerous and societies rule can't apply to us regarding these adult children. We just have to keep reminding ourselves the truth of what our difficult children are really like (radical acceptance) and let them walk their own path, blisters of not (j/k). It is their life, their journey, and only they can make it better. And as hard as it can be to hold back, we don't help them when we cushion them from the hard realities of their choices.</p><p></p><p>I hope you walk in peace and serenity today and savor every calm moment. Take good care of yourself. You matter. You matter a lot!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620467, member: 1550"] Remember...if you've ever read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud (I believe) the book talks about how, once we set boundaries, a regular person will respect them. A difficult child-like person will scream at you, up the ante, beg you to change back to how it was, continue to try to control you, pout, control, pout, control..until he gets his way. Let's be blunt here. Blisters aren't serious or terminal. You've had them. I have. We've had to walk on them and we've had to work on blistered feet. Do you think maybe he is just using that to make you feel guilty? To guilt trip you into showing him that he can still get you where he wants you to be? Trust me, I have been in your shoes and given in and I always kick myself later as it just started my difficult child doing even more self-pity and asking for bigger favors...again. I am talking about my control freak kid here...he is the one I call 36. He will do anything, say anything to try to get me to behave in a way that accepts his horrible behavior. He is the one I have to pull back on. He has a terrible stomach ache, maybe an ulcer, or he is going to kill himself because he can't take the stress or he is going to make me sorry if I don't do this or that (whatever it is he wants me to do at the time). It took a long time to be able to hang up the phone. Well, first I told him, "I love to talk to you and I love you, but you have to treat me with respect or I will have to terminate our discussion instantly." The first few times I did it, he left me numerous nasty, cuss-infested voicemails and texts. Now he doesn't anymore and he is vile less often, but he not under much stress right now either. We'll see how he is the next time he is under stress. It doesn't matter to me WHY he is doing it...he can not control me anymore and I'm not going to do favors for a 36 year old man. Sorry, but it isn't happening. That is my boundaries. It made him crazy at first until he believed I meant it. Unlike some difficult children, he did not cut me off, but he could sometime. I wouldn't put it past him. I guess I'm telling you all this to say, in a long-winded way, that "I understand. Boy, do I understand." For a while after difficult child was kicked out for cussing me out, getting in my face, and intimidating me so that I was afraid of him (and this was many, many times), he lived out of motels and his dad paid for them (I can't control Dad). Sometimes I'd feel really sorry for him and bring him home cooked food and talk to him for a while in his current hotel. But I didn't let him come back home. I'm glad I didn't. His father eventually bought a condo just so that difficult child would have a place to live and then ex would call me with difficult child abuse stories...such as being shoved by his tall, strong son, being cussed it, having things thrown at him etc. That made me relieved that I hadn't given in to my mommy hurting heart. Society tells us that we are supposed to, in some way, parent our children forever...be the wise ones who give the advice, be there when the roof falls in. But these difficult children break societal norms. They are toxic to live with, often dangerous and societies rule can't apply to us regarding these adult children. We just have to keep reminding ourselves the truth of what our difficult children are really like (radical acceptance) and let them walk their own path, blisters of not (j/k). It is their life, their journey, and only they can make it better. And as hard as it can be to hold back, we don't help them when we cushion them from the hard realities of their choices. I hope you walk in peace and serenity today and savor every calm moment. Take good care of yourself. You matter. You matter a lot!!! [/QUOTE]
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