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Last Night's Drama...
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 512305" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>DF, I'm so sorry. First of all {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. It's so hard to have the responsibility for everyone's junk on your shoulders, and to have everyone look to you for answers, and then for blame when things don't go exactly as planned.</p><p></p><p>I think Slsh and Busywend have given you excellent advice on what to do next. You need to completely detach from your difficult child and let your husband handle her. </p><p></p><p>I think there are 2 reasons: </p><p></p><p>1) Your husband's perspective on what to do for difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes men have to live it in order to see it. You've been handling everything for so long that it's invisible to your husband. He likely will not ever understand what you're getting at until he has to deal with it. All of it.He can go to any appointments that have been scheduled, he can schedule any further ones that are required, he can talk to her, battle it out with her, do whatever is required. Let him carry the load for a while, because you're worn out. </p><p></p><p>2) Your difficult child's reaction to your efforts</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child seems to be incredibly resistant to parenting. Whatever you try to do to help her, she rejects your help and pushes you away. By continuing to try, you're continuing to put all of the power in her hands. And she's not getting better. So, stop trying. Do the opposite of what you've been doing and see how it goes. Given how chaotic things are now, it can't get much worse (and if it does, you can call the police or a hospital and have her transported), and it might just get better. At any rate, it will give you a break and let difficult child see that she can't push your buttons or pull your strings.</p><p></p><p>A couple of thoughts from my personal experience that might help (well, I hope they do):</p><p></p><p>Thought #1:</p><p>It could be the Asperger's, or it might just be my personality, but I find that when people try too hard to get close to me it makes me withdraw from them. For me, a relationship needs to have a lot of space in it. Not distance, but space. Space for me to get comfortable, to take in information and to respond to it. If someone's always initiating, and never gives me a chance to interpret and respond, then I pull back. If your difficult child is pushing you away, it might be that you're not giving her enough space to come to you, in her own time and in her own fashion. </p><p></p><p>Thought #2:</p><p>There was a time when I completely walked away from my difficult child. Aside from "hello" or "I'll get your father", I didn't really speak to or interact with him for a couple of years. He had broken my trust so badly that I just wasn't willing to deal with him at all because it hurt too much. Things are much better between us, in no small part because I've maintained that boundary. That approach might work with your difficult child too.</p><p></p><p>I hope that nothing I've said causes you hurt. It is said out of caring, just offering my perspective in the hope that it helps.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 512305, member: 3907"] DF, I'm so sorry. First of all {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. It's so hard to have the responsibility for everyone's junk on your shoulders, and to have everyone look to you for answers, and then for blame when things don't go exactly as planned. I think Slsh and Busywend have given you excellent advice on what to do next. You need to completely detach from your difficult child and let your husband handle her. I think there are 2 reasons: 1) Your husband's perspective on what to do for difficult child. Sometimes men have to live it in order to see it. You've been handling everything for so long that it's invisible to your husband. He likely will not ever understand what you're getting at until he has to deal with it. All of it.He can go to any appointments that have been scheduled, he can schedule any further ones that are required, he can talk to her, battle it out with her, do whatever is required. Let him carry the load for a while, because you're worn out. 2) Your difficult child's reaction to your efforts Your difficult child seems to be incredibly resistant to parenting. Whatever you try to do to help her, she rejects your help and pushes you away. By continuing to try, you're continuing to put all of the power in her hands. And she's not getting better. So, stop trying. Do the opposite of what you've been doing and see how it goes. Given how chaotic things are now, it can't get much worse (and if it does, you can call the police or a hospital and have her transported), and it might just get better. At any rate, it will give you a break and let difficult child see that she can't push your buttons or pull your strings. A couple of thoughts from my personal experience that might help (well, I hope they do): Thought #1: It could be the Asperger's, or it might just be my personality, but I find that when people try too hard to get close to me it makes me withdraw from them. For me, a relationship needs to have a lot of space in it. Not distance, but space. Space for me to get comfortable, to take in information and to respond to it. If someone's always initiating, and never gives me a chance to interpret and respond, then I pull back. If your difficult child is pushing you away, it might be that you're not giving her enough space to come to you, in her own time and in her own fashion. Thought #2: There was a time when I completely walked away from my difficult child. Aside from "hello" or "I'll get your father", I didn't really speak to or interact with him for a couple of years. He had broken my trust so badly that I just wasn't willing to deal with him at all because it hurt too much. Things are much better between us, in no small part because I've maintained that boundary. That approach might work with your difficult child too. I hope that nothing I've said causes you hurt. It is said out of caring, just offering my perspective in the hope that it helps. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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