Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Le Sigh....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 638927" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p></p><p>Now that my granddaughter has left for college and my difficult child is off in her own world, I have more time to respond!! So here goes........</p><p></p><p><em>"Maaaan, you acquire and implement wisdom quickly!" </em></p><p></p><p>I had to smile at that HLM. My letting go practice began decades before my daughter went off the rails.........just to give you a brief summary of my life, my parents were both mentally impaired, probably diagnosable by what I now know as Dad=bi-polar, Mom=depressed, so my path of detachment began when I was a child. My brother is schizophrenic and I have a sister who is bi-polar with Aspergers with additional diagnoses as well. I've lived in a world of thwarted realities, insanity, secrets, manipulation, deception and just plain old craziness my entire life. I've had over 20 years of therapy and been on a spiritual path since I was in the 7th grade. Nothing was acquired quickly!</p><p></p><p>My daughter's husband committed suicide 14 years ago which began my daughter's descent into darkness ....... slowly at first and then it began rapidly devolving 3 years ago when she became homeless. I received permanent custody of her daughter 7 years ago, when it became apparent she could not effectively parent because of her odd and tentative grasp of reality. When I say she is doing fine, I mean she is not homeless or hungry, in jail, or desperate in any fashion, all of which she's been at times. She is presently couch surfing and there is a warrant out for her arrest for not showing up at a mandatory probation meeting. She has a job, friends and somehow makes it in her own way. She lives a very unusual, strange life of figuring out the next step a moment before she has to. No future, no planning, thereby, a lot of drama and chaos when unexpected things happen. Which of course, kept me tied to taking care of her for a long time. Until I realized she was not going to change. </p><p></p><p>Like you I developed strong boundaries and little by little she and I separated from the negative ways we had been connected as I detached and she learned how to live her life without my interference or help. She refused any help or support, all she wanted at that point was more and more money. It took awhile, but I learned to accept her and her lifestyle as what she has chosen and she and I effectively disconnected in the ways that were harmful to me. It was an arduous journey. But now, she is in her own life and she seems ok with it. She and I don't see much of each other, she is always very busy working out her life...........and recently I moved out of the town we both lived in and I am about half an hour away now. She has no car and little money. Like many of my family members, she is living a reality that I can't enter into and really, she can't enter mine either..........and there isn't a thing I can do about any of it, it is what it is and I have had to learn to accept it........or go crazy. Or continuously suffer. Or be angry and blaming. Or be judgmental. All of which I did. And, now I don't. I chose acceptance. And sometimes I have to choose again. </p><p></p><p>I need reminders too HLM, it is easy to slip and suffer in things I have no control over, but I am learning to let go a lot faster. A long time ago someone told me that the definition of enlightenment was getting off of it before anyone knew you were on it. That always made me laugh. Now I aspire to do that!! I think misery is optional and I live out of that now. I can choose how I want to spend this moment, right now. And right now, I choose gratitude and peace. </p><p></p><p>I attended a lot of CODA groups when I was in the throes of my own detachment process with my daughter and often at the end of a group they would say, "it works if you work it!" And, you know it really does. Whatever you're working, whatever path that is. I have my own beliefs and I practice and work it...........letting go of what I can't control, acceptance, gratitude, kindness, laughter, surrender to what is, and of course, living right here in the present moment, which is all I have. </p><p></p><p>And, I'm so grateful, for now.......... and for what lead to now. For all of it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 638927, member: 13542"] [I][/I] Now that my granddaughter has left for college and my difficult child is off in her own world, I have more time to respond!! So here goes........ [I]"Maaaan, you acquire and implement wisdom quickly!" [/I] I had to smile at that HLM. My letting go practice began decades before my daughter went off the rails.........just to give you a brief summary of my life, my parents were both mentally impaired, probably diagnosable by what I now know as Dad=bi-polar, Mom=depressed, so my path of detachment began when I was a child. My brother is schizophrenic and I have a sister who is bi-polar with Aspergers with additional diagnoses as well. I've lived in a world of thwarted realities, insanity, secrets, manipulation, deception and just plain old craziness my entire life. I've had over 20 years of therapy and been on a spiritual path since I was in the 7th grade. Nothing was acquired quickly! My daughter's husband committed suicide 14 years ago which began my daughter's descent into darkness ....... slowly at first and then it began rapidly devolving 3 years ago when she became homeless. I received permanent custody of her daughter 7 years ago, when it became apparent she could not effectively parent because of her odd and tentative grasp of reality. When I say she is doing fine, I mean she is not homeless or hungry, in jail, or desperate in any fashion, all of which she's been at times. She is presently couch surfing and there is a warrant out for her arrest for not showing up at a mandatory probation meeting. She has a job, friends and somehow makes it in her own way. She lives a very unusual, strange life of figuring out the next step a moment before she has to. No future, no planning, thereby, a lot of drama and chaos when unexpected things happen. Which of course, kept me tied to taking care of her for a long time. Until I realized she was not going to change. Like you I developed strong boundaries and little by little she and I separated from the negative ways we had been connected as I detached and she learned how to live her life without my interference or help. She refused any help or support, all she wanted at that point was more and more money. It took awhile, but I learned to accept her and her lifestyle as what she has chosen and she and I effectively disconnected in the ways that were harmful to me. It was an arduous journey. But now, she is in her own life and she seems ok with it. She and I don't see much of each other, she is always very busy working out her life...........and recently I moved out of the town we both lived in and I am about half an hour away now. She has no car and little money. Like many of my family members, she is living a reality that I can't enter into and really, she can't enter mine either..........and there isn't a thing I can do about any of it, it is what it is and I have had to learn to accept it........or go crazy. Or continuously suffer. Or be angry and blaming. Or be judgmental. All of which I did. And, now I don't. I chose acceptance. And sometimes I have to choose again. I need reminders too HLM, it is easy to slip and suffer in things I have no control over, but I am learning to let go a lot faster. A long time ago someone told me that the definition of enlightenment was getting off of it before anyone knew you were on it. That always made me laugh. Now I aspire to do that!! I think misery is optional and I live out of that now. I can choose how I want to spend this moment, right now. And right now, I choose gratitude and peace. I attended a lot of CODA groups when I was in the throes of my own detachment process with my daughter and often at the end of a group they would say, "it works if you work it!" And, you know it really does. Whatever you're working, whatever path that is. I have my own beliefs and I practice and work it...........letting go of what I can't control, acceptance, gratitude, kindness, laughter, surrender to what is, and of course, living right here in the present moment, which is all I have. And, I'm so grateful, for now.......... and for what lead to now. For all of it. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Le Sigh....
Top