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Letter to my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 614199" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>I didn't send the email. Although I am still considering sending something...more straightforward that that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, I'm pretty darn sure it's more habitual than recreational. I was feeling pretty good about the chances he had cut down until I found out about the computer.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That was actually what I was trying to get across to him. That he has it really easy, and still thinks he has it so hard and can't get by. That is actually what upsets me most. </p><p></p><p>He's always been self-absorbed. I have to say, more than anyone I know. We tried, really, to get him to have more empathy, to see that the world doesn't revolve around him, since he was young. But he never really got it. When I said that nothing ever has been enough for him, I mean ever. We're not wealthy by any stretch, but we have a decent home and make ends meet. He's always gotten an allowance and had chores around the house. Never good enough. He'd complain and put off chores that literally took 15 minutes total and he'd spend his allowance the minute he got it. If he wanted a new video game, we'd tell him, "Save your allowance." But he wouldn't. So the game wouldn't be given to him until his birthday or Christmas and then he'd complain that by then everyone else was level 10 and he'd have to be at 1 and it wasn't fun. He'd complain that friends got more in allowance. He'd complain that his friend's parents bought new game systems and new computers and what-not...and these would be people who literally lived in a hovel but they'd spend money on nonsense like that. Complain, complain, complain. And we didn't give in! He never got everything he wanted, when he wanted. But still, he didn't "get it". </p><p></p><p>His first computer was purchased with his 16th birthday money and we kicked in half. He sold that when he left home and had no money. His second he used graduation money and he worked with us at our second job and we told him if he worked with us, we'd let him have all the pay for a month for a new computer for college. He really did work, but we helped him earn the money in that way. Now he's sold it. There will be no third computer. I really thought he'd have learned his lesson about selling stuff when we found out he'd pawned a guitar and amp. We could easily have gotten $250 on Craigslist...he got less than $100 for it - we'd paid that for the amp! When he had pawned our archery equipment he got $25 for his dad's bow. It was a $400 bow! You'd think he'd have figured out selling stuff was stupid. Apparently not. </p><p></p><p>But his stuff is gone and won't be replaced by us. He's just out of luck there. </p><p></p><p>He'd never broken a phone before college. He did thoroughly shatter the screen on his first smart phone with about 4 months left on the contract, but it still worked and we made him wait until he was due for an upgrade in August before we got his new one. He broke it in October. So we did replace it and now he's broken the second. As I said in the letter - there won't be any more coming from us. He breaks this one and he'll get the freebie phone that's still laying around here - the first one he ever had - until he can afford another. Since we can't drop him from the plan for two years, he may as well be able to call home. It's not like when I was in college and there was payphone on every corner. </p><p></p><p>Another part of the phone call that prompted this letter was his allowance. He was given $40 Wed. morning. By Thurs. night he was broke and had no cigarettes and was in a rage over the phone. He said he went out to eat and bought two packs of cigarettes, which he lets people bum off him and runs out, and bought a few CD's. I did give him $5 more just so he could buy one more pack of cigarettes, just to calm him down and shut him up, but I told him that was IT and I meant it. He's not getting another penny until next Wednesday so he better be smoking very little. I'm just DONE with that. He won't get a penny more than what we agreed to provide and if he chooses to blow it, then he goes without. I'm just sooo tired of it! That's really what prompted my rant/letter. I'm just so tired.</p><p></p><p>I truly don't know what's next. He really only does have three options I can see. A friend told me not to let him come home without a job first...but that isn't realistic. He can apply for jobs on-line, but he's 4 hours away and so can't interview anywhere local. If he wants to come home, he HAS to agree to abide by the rules. My friend says he won't, because he has learned we won't kick him out. But we never had the <em>option</em> of kicking him out before - he was a minor. We'd be liable, even criminally, for kicking out a kid under 18, but not anymore and we are really, really serious that if he comes home he follows the rules or he's out on the street. If he steals from us again, we'll press charges. </p><p></p><p>It will kill me. But I will do it. If for no other reason than my husband is very, very serious about those things and I won't stress my marriage by refusing to do what I've agreed to...because I know my husband is right, but I've always been the "easy" parent and I know it will kill me.</p><p></p><p>He doesn't <em>want </em>to come home. So realistically, he can buckle down and stay in school or he can leave school. If he does he knows all $ stops and he has to give back the car. But the fact is he may have no place else to go and may have no choice but to want to come home and I don't want to get to the point of having to kick him out or have him arrested. I don't want to do that to <em>myself</em>! I know what it will do to me. So how do I get him to understand we're serious! We're really, really serious! He has to believe that and I don't know how to make him believe it. </p><p></p><p>I told my friend, I just don't understand him. I was such a good kid. Really, my entire life, to the day my parents died, I respected them and loved them and would never have ever done anything to disappoint or hurt them. It was unthinkable to me. You know, if my parents had lived, my son wouldn't even exist, because my parents wouldn't have approved of his father and I wouldn't have married anyone they didn't approve of in their lifetime. That's how much I loved and respected my parents. I don't understand people who don't feel that way. </p><p></p><p>Does that make sense?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 614199, member: 17309"] I didn't send the email. Although I am still considering sending something...more straightforward that that. Oh, I'm pretty darn sure it's more habitual than recreational. I was feeling pretty good about the chances he had cut down until I found out about the computer. That was actually what I was trying to get across to him. That he has it really easy, and still thinks he has it so hard and can't get by. That is actually what upsets me most. He's always been self-absorbed. I have to say, more than anyone I know. We tried, really, to get him to have more empathy, to see that the world doesn't revolve around him, since he was young. But he never really got it. When I said that nothing ever has been enough for him, I mean ever. We're not wealthy by any stretch, but we have a decent home and make ends meet. He's always gotten an allowance and had chores around the house. Never good enough. He'd complain and put off chores that literally took 15 minutes total and he'd spend his allowance the minute he got it. If he wanted a new video game, we'd tell him, "Save your allowance." But he wouldn't. So the game wouldn't be given to him until his birthday or Christmas and then he'd complain that by then everyone else was level 10 and he'd have to be at 1 and it wasn't fun. He'd complain that friends got more in allowance. He'd complain that his friend's parents bought new game systems and new computers and what-not...and these would be people who literally lived in a hovel but they'd spend money on nonsense like that. Complain, complain, complain. And we didn't give in! He never got everything he wanted, when he wanted. But still, he didn't "get it". His first computer was purchased with his 16th birthday money and we kicked in half. He sold that when he left home and had no money. His second he used graduation money and he worked with us at our second job and we told him if he worked with us, we'd let him have all the pay for a month for a new computer for college. He really did work, but we helped him earn the money in that way. Now he's sold it. There will be no third computer. I really thought he'd have learned his lesson about selling stuff when we found out he'd pawned a guitar and amp. We could easily have gotten $250 on Craigslist...he got less than $100 for it - we'd paid that for the amp! When he had pawned our archery equipment he got $25 for his dad's bow. It was a $400 bow! You'd think he'd have figured out selling stuff was stupid. Apparently not. But his stuff is gone and won't be replaced by us. He's just out of luck there. He'd never broken a phone before college. He did thoroughly shatter the screen on his first smart phone with about 4 months left on the contract, but it still worked and we made him wait until he was due for an upgrade in August before we got his new one. He broke it in October. So we did replace it and now he's broken the second. As I said in the letter - there won't be any more coming from us. He breaks this one and he'll get the freebie phone that's still laying around here - the first one he ever had - until he can afford another. Since we can't drop him from the plan for two years, he may as well be able to call home. It's not like when I was in college and there was payphone on every corner. Another part of the phone call that prompted this letter was his allowance. He was given $40 Wed. morning. By Thurs. night he was broke and had no cigarettes and was in a rage over the phone. He said he went out to eat and bought two packs of cigarettes, which he lets people bum off him and runs out, and bought a few CD's. I did give him $5 more just so he could buy one more pack of cigarettes, just to calm him down and shut him up, but I told him that was IT and I meant it. He's not getting another penny until next Wednesday so he better be smoking very little. I'm just DONE with that. He won't get a penny more than what we agreed to provide and if he chooses to blow it, then he goes without. I'm just sooo tired of it! That's really what prompted my rant/letter. I'm just so tired. I truly don't know what's next. He really only does have three options I can see. A friend told me not to let him come home without a job first...but that isn't realistic. He can apply for jobs on-line, but he's 4 hours away and so can't interview anywhere local. If he wants to come home, he HAS to agree to abide by the rules. My friend says he won't, because he has learned we won't kick him out. But we never had the [I]option[/I] of kicking him out before - he was a minor. We'd be liable, even criminally, for kicking out a kid under 18, but not anymore and we are really, really serious that if he comes home he follows the rules or he's out on the street. If he steals from us again, we'll press charges. It will kill me. But I will do it. If for no other reason than my husband is very, very serious about those things and I won't stress my marriage by refusing to do what I've agreed to...because I know my husband is right, but I've always been the "easy" parent and I know it will kill me. He doesn't [I]want [/I]to come home. So realistically, he can buckle down and stay in school or he can leave school. If he does he knows all $ stops and he has to give back the car. But the fact is he may have no place else to go and may have no choice but to want to come home and I don't want to get to the point of having to kick him out or have him arrested. I don't want to do that to [I]myself[/I]! I know what it will do to me. So how do I get him to understand we're serious! We're really, really serious! He has to believe that and I don't know how to make him believe it. I told my friend, I just don't understand him. I was such a good kid. Really, my entire life, to the day my parents died, I respected them and loved them and would never have ever done anything to disappoint or hurt them. It was unthinkable to me. You know, if my parents had lived, my son wouldn't even exist, because my parents wouldn't have approved of his father and I wouldn't have married anyone they didn't approve of in their lifetime. That's how much I loved and respected my parents. I don't understand people who don't feel that way. Does that make sense? [/QUOTE]
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