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Letter to my son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 614428" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I'm so sorry you are hurting again.</p><p></p><p>difficult children tend to have a weird sense of entitlement that "typical" adult children don't have. While most adult children are eager to explore their lives and spread their own wings and be independent, our difficult children prefer to continue to be independent on us. Sometimes that is due to a fear they can't make it on their own. Often it is due to drug use causing chaos in their lives and their inability or unwillingness to stop it. They also never take the blame. I know my 36 year old, who has many issues and always will, never says "I'm sorry" and if he says or does something horrible it is always somebody else who made him do it. If I say nobody can make him do anything and that it was his choice, he gets very upset with me. Because of the nature of our difficult child adult children, I feel it is better to force them out of the nest. Entitlement is huge with difficult children of all socioeconomic backgrounds. We give our kids everything and expect them to appreciate what we sacrifice for them, but somehow with difficult children of all shapes and sizes it doesn't work out that way. It is NOT YOUR FAULT at the way he turned out. But I believe that you will one day come to get sick and tired of paying his bills and getting him out of messes. It doesn't help in the longrun, only until the next crisis and they come to depend on us and not worry that this time they MAY have to pay consequences.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult children personality sounds a lot like 36. I swear he was born selfish and with the feeling that the world revolved around him and that only his comforts matter. I knew he would have issues at a very young age when he stomped on a little girl's hand who was climbing below him on the monkey bars. She screamed and he laughed in a very scary and evil way. All during his very young years, other kids tended to get hurt around him and it was never because of him. Even when the child would say, "He pushed me into the wall" he would say, "I swear, mommy, I did it on accident!" and that smile he'd try to hide but couldn't. Even when I caught him punching somebody, he would say, "I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident." He is no longer physically abusive to others, but he is mentally abusive and it's always because "you made me say it."</p><p></p><p>I am so sad for your pain. I understand it. Be kind to yourself and perhaps try to detach from some of your son's drama. You can't save him. He is the only person who can save him. You matter as much as he does and you have to take care of you. Gentle hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 614428, member: 1550"] Hi. I'm so sorry you are hurting again. difficult children tend to have a weird sense of entitlement that "typical" adult children don't have. While most adult children are eager to explore their lives and spread their own wings and be independent, our difficult children prefer to continue to be independent on us. Sometimes that is due to a fear they can't make it on their own. Often it is due to drug use causing chaos in their lives and their inability or unwillingness to stop it. They also never take the blame. I know my 36 year old, who has many issues and always will, never says "I'm sorry" and if he says or does something horrible it is always somebody else who made him do it. If I say nobody can make him do anything and that it was his choice, he gets very upset with me. Because of the nature of our difficult child adult children, I feel it is better to force them out of the nest. Entitlement is huge with difficult children of all socioeconomic backgrounds. We give our kids everything and expect them to appreciate what we sacrifice for them, but somehow with difficult children of all shapes and sizes it doesn't work out that way. It is NOT YOUR FAULT at the way he turned out. But I believe that you will one day come to get sick and tired of paying his bills and getting him out of messes. It doesn't help in the longrun, only until the next crisis and they come to depend on us and not worry that this time they MAY have to pay consequences. Your difficult children personality sounds a lot like 36. I swear he was born selfish and with the feeling that the world revolved around him and that only his comforts matter. I knew he would have issues at a very young age when he stomped on a little girl's hand who was climbing below him on the monkey bars. She screamed and he laughed in a very scary and evil way. All during his very young years, other kids tended to get hurt around him and it was never because of him. Even when the child would say, "He pushed me into the wall" he would say, "I swear, mommy, I did it on accident!" and that smile he'd try to hide but couldn't. Even when I caught him punching somebody, he would say, "I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident." He is no longer physically abusive to others, but he is mentally abusive and it's always because "you made me say it." I am so sad for your pain. I understand it. Be kind to yourself and perhaps try to detach from some of your son's drama. You can't save him. He is the only person who can save him. You matter as much as he does and you have to take care of you. Gentle hugs. [/QUOTE]
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