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Letter to my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 614442" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Again, I thank everyone for being so kind. I know my son hasn't actually had the problems of some of yours and I feel like such a baby for being so distraught when things could be so much worse. I keep trying to come to terms with this and prepare myself for things getting worse, while hoping they get better. </p><p></p><p>It works for about a minute.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>OMG! The smile! I never knew anyone else dealt with that! I mentioned once before that my first husband was my son's biodad, but he and his family has been totally out of his life since age 5, except for attending his funeral at age 7, but he'd do that. He'd say or do something totally hurtful and when you'd react he'd smile this awful little smirk that just made you want to smack him! He wasn't physically abusive, but terribly controlling and manipulative. He'd stolen from his parents at one time, they'd kick him out and he'd sneak in to sleep. He had legal problems that I took care of for him. (I honestly can't believe I married him - I'm a lawyer for heaven's sake!) If it looked like I'd had enough and was really going to leave him, he'd threaten suicide. We only had one vehicle and I lived over an hour from work. When we finally got moved to the town I worked in (he didn't, of course) I told him he had two months to find a job or he was out. He didn't even watch our son - he was in daycare! Instead of finding work, he found a woman who wouldn't make him get a job. The day my 1st husband left me was the best day I'd had in two years. I gave him $200 and wasn't overdrafted for the first time in 2 years! The best part was not worrying that he was driving drunk in our only car or where he was, because I wasn't <em>supposed </em>to know where he was. It was such a relief! My God this is the first time I've realized I was married to a difficult child! I felt so guilty when he died - not sad - because he'd called me collect from jail and I had told him I would not accept collect calls anymore and he killed himself that same day. </p><p></p><p>The horrible thing is that my son is so much like him! When he was little, like 3 or 4 he got kicked out of daycare - the teacher said he would disrupt the class and when she'd get on to him he'd smile. He'd do that at home too and his expression was his biodad dead-out. He's pretty much stopped that, the smiling, but I think he's just become a better actor. I see so much of his biodad in him. The lying (biodad was a pathological liar) the using (pot for my son, liquor for biodad) the stealing (pawning stuff for our son, forging checks for biodad) the manipulation and the refusal to get a job. There are differences, certainly. My son is vastly more intelligent, but if anything more lazy, and hasn't had legal problems - I don't know that he would steal from anyone but us because he knows we won't press charges (or wouldn't - but he's been warned we will if it happens again) but it absolutely horrifies me how much he's like his father. </p><p></p><p>I raised him. I gave him 1/2 his genes. You'd think he'd be a little like me. I think I've just figured out why I've been trying so hard to "fix" him, huh? I just want so badly to stop him from going down that same road.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 614442, member: 17309"] Again, I thank everyone for being so kind. I know my son hasn't actually had the problems of some of yours and I feel like such a baby for being so distraught when things could be so much worse. I keep trying to come to terms with this and prepare myself for things getting worse, while hoping they get better. It works for about a minute. OMG! The smile! I never knew anyone else dealt with that! I mentioned once before that my first husband was my son's biodad, but he and his family has been totally out of his life since age 5, except for attending his funeral at age 7, but he'd do that. He'd say or do something totally hurtful and when you'd react he'd smile this awful little smirk that just made you want to smack him! He wasn't physically abusive, but terribly controlling and manipulative. He'd stolen from his parents at one time, they'd kick him out and he'd sneak in to sleep. He had legal problems that I took care of for him. (I honestly can't believe I married him - I'm a lawyer for heaven's sake!) If it looked like I'd had enough and was really going to leave him, he'd threaten suicide. We only had one vehicle and I lived over an hour from work. When we finally got moved to the town I worked in (he didn't, of course) I told him he had two months to find a job or he was out. He didn't even watch our son - he was in daycare! Instead of finding work, he found a woman who wouldn't make him get a job. The day my 1st husband left me was the best day I'd had in two years. I gave him $200 and wasn't overdrafted for the first time in 2 years! The best part was not worrying that he was driving drunk in our only car or where he was, because I wasn't [I]supposed [/I]to know where he was. It was such a relief! My God this is the first time I've realized I was married to a difficult child! I felt so guilty when he died - not sad - because he'd called me collect from jail and I had told him I would not accept collect calls anymore and he killed himself that same day. The horrible thing is that my son is so much like him! When he was little, like 3 or 4 he got kicked out of daycare - the teacher said he would disrupt the class and when she'd get on to him he'd smile. He'd do that at home too and his expression was his biodad dead-out. He's pretty much stopped that, the smiling, but I think he's just become a better actor. I see so much of his biodad in him. The lying (biodad was a pathological liar) the using (pot for my son, liquor for biodad) the stealing (pawning stuff for our son, forging checks for biodad) the manipulation and the refusal to get a job. There are differences, certainly. My son is vastly more intelligent, but if anything more lazy, and hasn't had legal problems - I don't know that he would steal from anyone but us because he knows we won't press charges (or wouldn't - but he's been warned we will if it happens again) but it absolutely horrifies me how much he's like his father. I raised him. I gave him 1/2 his genes. You'd think he'd be a little like me. I think I've just figured out why I've been trying so hard to "fix" him, huh? I just want so badly to stop him from going down that same road. [/QUOTE]
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