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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 634375" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>If they have money and didn't work, the money came from some sort of illegal means. That has been my experience anyway. They either steal or sell something of theirs (which isn't illegal, but often is very dear to them thus a red flag) or sell drugs. Money doesn't just materialize when there isn't any. My daughter used to dip into my purse and take a little at a time, which would make me think I hadn't counted my money right. She did not tell me, nor did I know, until she quit and confessed all. She also sold some drugs and claims everyone who uses drugs also sells them. When I said that can't be true, she was adamant...if you use, you sell. Is the right? I never lived in that world. I am taking her word for it, because she has no reason to lie anymore. She has been clean now for ten years.</p><p></p><p>We want to think the best about our kids. I did. Therefore I sort of buried my head in the sand. That is common and normal. But it is, in retrospect, best to be on guard and not get too high or low, expect surprises but, most of all, go on with your life and don't enable. My daughter was in three serious vehicle mishaps. One was in our van when she said she was going to pick up a friend to bring her back home so she could sleep overnight. Ten hours later she called from another state with our van's engine having blown up and caught on fire and it's a miracle nobody was hurt. She had gone on a "road trip." After that she had no access to our car, but "friends" (and difficult children have the common sense of a challenged frog) let her drive their cars. She cracked them both up and was sued on one accident where she owed thousands of dollars long after she quit using drugs. So naturally I get nervous when I hear about difficult children who drink and do drugs being on wheels.</p><p></p><p>My attitude is a cynical one, as is my personality. Rather than waiting for the day my daughter stopped using, I started going to Al-Anon and lived and breathed "one day at a time, one moment at a time." Her behavior in no way indicated she would ever quit so I did not wait for that to happen. If it did, it did and I couldn't control if it didn't. Things got better, at least for me (and I was starting to realize I did matter) once she lived elsewhere. And when she got clean, she had to stay clean for over a year before I truly believed she would keep doing it. But she had changed her entire life...from cutting all her ties to drug users, not looking for any new drug users in her new state, and being very lonely just to not be in the path of druggies to getting a job and walking to it, back and forth, regardless of the snow or heat. She was living in her brother's basement and he reported her home all the time with no visitors except her new boyfriend, who she is still with. Their entire attitude changes when they are really ready to give it up. Until then...one day at a time, one precious moment at a time, and reciting The Serenity Prayer...no expectations...living in the moment as it is right then...taking good care of ourselves and paying attention to our well behaved and caring loved ones, and not just obsessing on our difficult child(s). We need to give ourselves permission to have a great life and wonderful, fun times even while our difficult children continue to make horrible decisions. We still deserve happiness and joy.</p><p></p><p>JMO</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 634375, member: 1550"] If they have money and didn't work, the money came from some sort of illegal means. That has been my experience anyway. They either steal or sell something of theirs (which isn't illegal, but often is very dear to them thus a red flag) or sell drugs. Money doesn't just materialize when there isn't any. My daughter used to dip into my purse and take a little at a time, which would make me think I hadn't counted my money right. She did not tell me, nor did I know, until she quit and confessed all. She also sold some drugs and claims everyone who uses drugs also sells them. When I said that can't be true, she was adamant...if you use, you sell. Is the right? I never lived in that world. I am taking her word for it, because she has no reason to lie anymore. She has been clean now for ten years. We want to think the best about our kids. I did. Therefore I sort of buried my head in the sand. That is common and normal. But it is, in retrospect, best to be on guard and not get too high or low, expect surprises but, most of all, go on with your life and don't enable. My daughter was in three serious vehicle mishaps. One was in our van when she said she was going to pick up a friend to bring her back home so she could sleep overnight. Ten hours later she called from another state with our van's engine having blown up and caught on fire and it's a miracle nobody was hurt. She had gone on a "road trip." After that she had no access to our car, but "friends" (and difficult children have the common sense of a challenged frog) let her drive their cars. She cracked them both up and was sued on one accident where she owed thousands of dollars long after she quit using drugs. So naturally I get nervous when I hear about difficult children who drink and do drugs being on wheels. My attitude is a cynical one, as is my personality. Rather than waiting for the day my daughter stopped using, I started going to Al-Anon and lived and breathed "one day at a time, one moment at a time." Her behavior in no way indicated she would ever quit so I did not wait for that to happen. If it did, it did and I couldn't control if it didn't. Things got better, at least for me (and I was starting to realize I did matter) once she lived elsewhere. And when she got clean, she had to stay clean for over a year before I truly believed she would keep doing it. But she had changed her entire life...from cutting all her ties to drug users, not looking for any new drug users in her new state, and being very lonely just to not be in the path of druggies to getting a job and walking to it, back and forth, regardless of the snow or heat. She was living in her brother's basement and he reported her home all the time with no visitors except her new boyfriend, who she is still with. Their entire attitude changes when they are really ready to give it up. Until then...one day at a time, one precious moment at a time, and reciting The Serenity Prayer...no expectations...living in the moment as it is right then...taking good care of ourselves and paying attention to our well behaved and caring loved ones, and not just obsessing on our difficult child(s). We need to give ourselves permission to have a great life and wonderful, fun times even while our difficult children continue to make horrible decisions. We still deserve happiness and joy. JMO [/QUOTE]
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