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Letting difficult child go.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 603296" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. My very first bit of advice is to stop talking to your immediate family about this adult child. They will think what they like and do what they want and give a lot of clueless and unhelpful advice, but it should not influence what you do. If you need a total break from all of them for a while, I suggest it. They are not in my opinion giving you good feedback. I'm so sorry. Family can be great or our worst enemy, but we can tune them out when we have to. Also, the grandbabies have their father. They are not your legal responsibility. Unless you plan on suing Dad for custody, they are HIS to care for. Now onto your daughter...</p><p></p><p>What you're going through is very painful and I sort of have a hands on take of this because I was diagnosed with both bipolar and I know I have had at least some borderline traits, not extreme as your daughter, but I know how the moodswings go. So maybe I have a tougher outlook on how you can help her. </p><p></p><p>Sounds like an enmeshed family with everyone in everyone's business and nobody afraid not to tell you what you SHOULD do to make you feel guilty. Mom may need to be put on the backburner for a while. She sounds like she is very stressful to you and you don't need that. You SHOULD be thinking about yourself. More about this later, but that' s not a bad thing. It's a good thing.</p><p></p><p>First of all, my parents didn't help me and it hurt at the time, but it was so much better for me that I was on my own. Because I knew they would not be there, I made a very strong effort to get better. Your daughter is no longer your baby. I know she will always be your baby to you because I have four kids myself, but she is a young woman and mental illness is NO BLATANT excuse to go on the internet, have affairs, leave your kids, get involved with really nasty men and ruin your life. I am left to assume that she is not in treatment, which is HER responsibility and is probably not on medications, which is HER decision, and is probably using recreational drugs, which she can decide is not a good idea and stop.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is not a victim. She is refusing to help herself and she knows you will take care of her like she is a small child because you feel sorry for her. But think about what she is doing to her kids? You can not make her get her life together just by bringing her home. She has to decide to get her own life together. Mom, as we all had to learn, you can only control one person on earth and that is yourself. You have no legal rights to her and if/when she decides to run off and see the bad boyfriend(s) again, t here is nothing you can do to stop her.But you CAN refuse to let her come back home and allow her to experience homelessness so that maybe things will become so uncomfortable for her that she DOES get help. She needs that motivation and only SHE can get that motivation...nobody can give it to her.</p><p></p><p>Borderline is a very hard disorder to reign under control. It is also possible to do it with DBT therapy, hard work, and introspection. SHE has to do the hard work. You can't help her. You can't do anything about it. I can not tell you how hard I worked at it and how many self-help books and groups I went to on top of listening to my psychiatrist and monitoring my own behavior. I never drank or took drugs because I knew it was bad for somebody with mental illness to even go there once. I had kids to raise and I never left them or threatened to leave them. I did not cheat on my spouse. That doesn't mean I never got angry or acted out, but it got better with time as I was determined to get better.</p><p></p><p>You are under the false impression that you can help your daughter. You can only help yourself. If it is a stressor to have daughter at home perhaps she should not be there. If she is abusive to you again perhaps she needs to go it alone. Everyone has his/her own answer. in my opinion the more you baby her and deny that she can actually do much to make her life a good one, the more she will play up to it. Borderlines are big manipulators and will take a mile if you give them an inch.</p><p></p><p>I am glad your in therapy. I hope the focus is not on your daughter, but is on YOU and how YOU can live a good, rich, fruitful life in spite of having a wayward daughter. It is not easy, but with time and good help and support it is doable. Detachment is possible and gets easier with time. I hope you can go there and help yourself. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and post as often as you like. We are here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 603296, member: 1550"] Hi there. My very first bit of advice is to stop talking to your immediate family about this adult child. They will think what they like and do what they want and give a lot of clueless and unhelpful advice, but it should not influence what you do. If you need a total break from all of them for a while, I suggest it. They are not in my opinion giving you good feedback. I'm so sorry. Family can be great or our worst enemy, but we can tune them out when we have to. Also, the grandbabies have their father. They are not your legal responsibility. Unless you plan on suing Dad for custody, they are HIS to care for. Now onto your daughter... What you're going through is very painful and I sort of have a hands on take of this because I was diagnosed with both bipolar and I know I have had at least some borderline traits, not extreme as your daughter, but I know how the moodswings go. So maybe I have a tougher outlook on how you can help her. Sounds like an enmeshed family with everyone in everyone's business and nobody afraid not to tell you what you SHOULD do to make you feel guilty. Mom may need to be put on the backburner for a while. She sounds like she is very stressful to you and you don't need that. You SHOULD be thinking about yourself. More about this later, but that' s not a bad thing. It's a good thing. First of all, my parents didn't help me and it hurt at the time, but it was so much better for me that I was on my own. Because I knew they would not be there, I made a very strong effort to get better. Your daughter is no longer your baby. I know she will always be your baby to you because I have four kids myself, but she is a young woman and mental illness is NO BLATANT excuse to go on the internet, have affairs, leave your kids, get involved with really nasty men and ruin your life. I am left to assume that she is not in treatment, which is HER responsibility and is probably not on medications, which is HER decision, and is probably using recreational drugs, which she can decide is not a good idea and stop. Your daughter is not a victim. She is refusing to help herself and she knows you will take care of her like she is a small child because you feel sorry for her. But think about what she is doing to her kids? You can not make her get her life together just by bringing her home. She has to decide to get her own life together. Mom, as we all had to learn, you can only control one person on earth and that is yourself. You have no legal rights to her and if/when she decides to run off and see the bad boyfriend(s) again, t here is nothing you can do to stop her.But you CAN refuse to let her come back home and allow her to experience homelessness so that maybe things will become so uncomfortable for her that she DOES get help. She needs that motivation and only SHE can get that motivation...nobody can give it to her. Borderline is a very hard disorder to reign under control. It is also possible to do it with DBT therapy, hard work, and introspection. SHE has to do the hard work. You can't help her. You can't do anything about it. I can not tell you how hard I worked at it and how many self-help books and groups I went to on top of listening to my psychiatrist and monitoring my own behavior. I never drank or took drugs because I knew it was bad for somebody with mental illness to even go there once. I had kids to raise and I never left them or threatened to leave them. I did not cheat on my spouse. That doesn't mean I never got angry or acted out, but it got better with time as I was determined to get better. You are under the false impression that you can help your daughter. You can only help yourself. If it is a stressor to have daughter at home perhaps she should not be there. If she is abusive to you again perhaps she needs to go it alone. Everyone has his/her own answer. in my opinion the more you baby her and deny that she can actually do much to make her life a good one, the more she will play up to it. Borderlines are big manipulators and will take a mile if you give them an inch. I am glad your in therapy. I hope the focus is not on your daughter, but is on YOU and how YOU can live a good, rich, fruitful life in spite of having a wayward daughter. It is not easy, but with time and good help and support it is doable. Detachment is possible and gets easier with time. I hope you can go there and help yourself. Hugs and post as often as you like. We are here for you. [/QUOTE]
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