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Letting Go of Outcome
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653537" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is good. I like the part about redefining "outcome". For me lately, defining outcome has come to mean defining how I am going to remain present in my own life. How am I going to do that. How can I savor my time here in this lifetime when I am breaking and breaking all over the place and I lose track of time and ~ we all know what I am describing.</p><p></p><p>We all know what it feels like when that happens.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>How will I learn to cherish my life when those things that defined me to myself are crushed and unrecognizable.</p><p></p><p>I am learning, I think I am learning, that it is an act of will to remain present whether it looks like my life or not. </p><p></p><p>Apology is not required.</p><p></p><p>This sh** is serious.</p><p></p><p>I know. That doesn't sound like me at all.</p><p></p><p>But that is who I am getting to be.</p><p></p><p>And in the process, somehow, there is joy and presence. And when there is one smallest thing to be grateful for, or to feel joy over? I am there, rolling in it and trying to remember how it feels to win for once, because I know...I know what's happened in the past, and I know what could be coming now, right?</p><p></p><p>Blessing.</p><p></p><p>Take it and run and savor it and remember the feel of it, forever.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>But right this minute, we are not in any particularly overwhelming hurt or confused or time-pressured place.</p><p></p><p>Everyone here knows I can never stand up when it's happening. Or rather, that I respond pretty well and then, fall directly apart.</p><p></p><p>That has to do with outcome, and with worrying, and with scaring ourselves to death.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to not do that, either.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653537, member: 17461"] This is good. I like the part about redefining "outcome". For me lately, defining outcome has come to mean defining how I am going to remain present in my own life. How am I going to do that. How can I savor my time here in this lifetime when I am breaking and breaking all over the place and I lose track of time and ~ we all know what I am describing. We all know what it feels like when that happens. Ew. How will I learn to cherish my life when those things that defined me to myself are crushed and unrecognizable. I am learning, I think I am learning, that it is an act of will to remain present whether it looks like my life or not. Apology is not required. This sh** is serious. I know. That doesn't sound like me at all. But that is who I am getting to be. And in the process, somehow, there is joy and presence. And when there is one smallest thing to be grateful for, or to feel joy over? I am there, rolling in it and trying to remember how it feels to win for once, because I know...I know what's happened in the past, and I know what could be coming now, right? Blessing. Take it and run and savor it and remember the feel of it, forever. *** But right this minute, we are not in any particularly overwhelming hurt or confused or time-pressured place. Everyone here knows I can never stand up when it's happening. Or rather, that I respond pretty well and then, fall directly apart. That has to do with outcome, and with worrying, and with scaring ourselves to death. I don't know how to not do that, either. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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