This is good. I like the part about redefining "outcome". For me lately, defining outcome has come to mean defining how I am going to remain present in my own life. How am I going to do that. How can I savor my time here in this lifetime when I am breaking and breaking all over the place and I lose track of time and ~ we all know what I am describing.
We all know what it feels like when that happens.
Ew.
How will I learn to cherish my life when those things that defined me to myself are crushed and unrecognizable.
I am learning, I think I am learning, that it is an act of will to remain present whether it looks like my life or not.
Apology is not required.
This sh** is serious.
I know. That doesn't sound like me at all.
But that is who I am getting to be.
And in the process, somehow, there is joy and presence. And when there is one smallest thing to be grateful for, or to feel joy over? I am there, rolling in it and trying to remember how it feels to win for once, because I know...I know what's happened in the past, and I know what could be coming now, right?
Blessing.
Take it and run and savor it and remember the feel of it, forever.
***
But right this minute, we are not in any particularly overwhelming hurt or confused or time-pressured place.
Everyone here knows I can never stand up when it's happening. Or rather, that I respond pretty well and then, fall directly apart.
That has to do with outcome, and with worrying, and with scaring ourselves to death.
I don't know how to not do that, either.
Cedar
