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Lies: Wants money because shelter not safe/open
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 590544" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Barbara, oh boy, can I relate to what you are saying. Over a period of time, I was having those exact same conversations. I've come to the conclusion, like you have, that all they want is money, nothing else. All the options in the world make absolutely no difference, simply continuing where they presently are, with your money is all that is required. Good for you and husband to stop the payments. My experience is that over time, the requests stop, but for awhile, they just get craftier, so be prepared.</p><p></p><p>I understand your feelings of that guilt too, you are not cold, you are not hungry, I know, ew. I get that too. But your daughter has choices, she doesn't have to be cold, or hungry, that is her choice. That's what I tell myself now, it's her choice. So, I wrap my daughter in love, say a prayer for her and go on with my life. There is nothing else you can do.</p><p></p><p>It does feel pretty weird to be comfortable when our kids are not, however, Calamity Jane once asked me, when I was feeling guilty for my comforts, "what are you going to do, wear a hair shirt?" Once I looked that up and found out what it meant, I laughed my head off. The image of me wearing this hair shirt to somehow atone for my daughter's choices really helped me to get over myself. We are not responsible for our kids for the rest of time. We are not responsible for them when they refuse our options for help and only want cash. They are creating their lives out of their own desires and wants, VERY different from ours. They are exceedingly manipulative, very difficult for us to see though. It's a fog which lifts very slowly as we allow the truth to seep through it. But once we see the truth, it's easier to sustain those strong boundaries. Good for you Barbara, you did a really good job. And, I know it's not easy to do. Be kind to yourself and have your husband be kind to himself too, these steps are hard on us. Go out to dinner or do something very soothing so you can have solace and feel nourished. Many hugs to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 590544, member: 13542"] Barbara, oh boy, can I relate to what you are saying. Over a period of time, I was having those exact same conversations. I've come to the conclusion, like you have, that all they want is money, nothing else. All the options in the world make absolutely no difference, simply continuing where they presently are, with your money is all that is required. Good for you and husband to stop the payments. My experience is that over time, the requests stop, but for awhile, they just get craftier, so be prepared. I understand your feelings of that guilt too, you are not cold, you are not hungry, I know, ew. I get that too. But your daughter has choices, she doesn't have to be cold, or hungry, that is her choice. That's what I tell myself now, it's her choice. So, I wrap my daughter in love, say a prayer for her and go on with my life. There is nothing else you can do. It does feel pretty weird to be comfortable when our kids are not, however, Calamity Jane once asked me, when I was feeling guilty for my comforts, "what are you going to do, wear a hair shirt?" Once I looked that up and found out what it meant, I laughed my head off. The image of me wearing this hair shirt to somehow atone for my daughter's choices really helped me to get over myself. We are not responsible for our kids for the rest of time. We are not responsible for them when they refuse our options for help and only want cash. They are creating their lives out of their own desires and wants, VERY different from ours. They are exceedingly manipulative, very difficult for us to see though. It's a fog which lifts very slowly as we allow the truth to seep through it. But once we see the truth, it's easier to sustain those strong boundaries. Good for you Barbara, you did a really good job. And, I know it's not easy to do. Be kind to yourself and have your husband be kind to himself too, these steps are hard on us. Go out to dinner or do something very soothing so you can have solace and feel nourished. Many hugs to you. [/QUOTE]
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