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Lies: Wants money because shelter not safe/open
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 590945" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I understand you paying $100 so you can sleep tonight, I did that same kind of thing for awhile..........then got weary of the continuing requests for money................as everyone always says, detachment is a process............and one which isn't linear or direct, you go sideways and upside down a lot. Go forward, go backward, it all depends on the level of fear versus detachment I think and letting go of the belief that you in some way are keeping her out of harms way by giving her the money. If/when you decide to stop giving her money, she'll find another way. You and husband are the ones that will be thinking the worst, worrying, imagining her demise, she will likely simply go about finding others to take care of her. My guess is that you'll hear from her tomorrow, or when the $100 is gone, so you can bankroll the next few nights.........prepare yourselves, that's the crummy part, it doesn't stop until <em>you stop it. </em></p><p></p><p>It's interesting to see, in some ways, how incredibly similar the stories are, how similar our difficult child's are, regardless of age.......I mentioned once that they all read the difficult child handbook because their responses and manipulations are so consistently the same. In some ways it becomes predictable behavior. I think when you start to see that, it will be easier for you to say no, when you likely will see how much she will attempt to get from you, without helping herself in any way. </p><p></p><p>As I began seeing the truth, seeing how much I was manipulated, how it followed a certain trajectory, the set up, the long pauses so I could really get what a terrible place she was in, and in the original script, I just jumped in offering help because I couldn't stand the idea of her being hurt in some way or suffering. Then after awhile, she had to ask. Then after awhile, she asked and I said no. Then after awhile, she stopped asking, but the manipulations increased, the drama was higher and more intense, so my fear kicked in and I caved. Then after awhile I started to see through that too and just stopped listening and responding, same script time after time. It took awhile to plug up all the loopholes, make all the boundaries so clear, everyone knew where I stood. Now she doesn't ask anymore. It would be wonderful if it were different, but it's not, so I've learned to accept it. It's definitely a process!</p><p></p><p>I feel for you both, I really do, this is a devastating experience for us parents, completely the opposite of what we as parents want to do and want to believe, it's horrific in every way. It goes against all our values and beliefs about what a good, loving parent is. However, it's our kids who changed the landscape and the rules, we then have to adapt to it, sigh.........I hope the yoga helped. I hope you can enjoy your evening and have some peace. Hang in there, you're doing just fine.............hugs.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 590945, member: 13542"] I understand you paying $100 so you can sleep tonight, I did that same kind of thing for awhile..........then got weary of the continuing requests for money................as everyone always says, detachment is a process............and one which isn't linear or direct, you go sideways and upside down a lot. Go forward, go backward, it all depends on the level of fear versus detachment I think and letting go of the belief that you in some way are keeping her out of harms way by giving her the money. If/when you decide to stop giving her money, she'll find another way. You and husband are the ones that will be thinking the worst, worrying, imagining her demise, she will likely simply go about finding others to take care of her. My guess is that you'll hear from her tomorrow, or when the $100 is gone, so you can bankroll the next few nights.........prepare yourselves, that's the crummy part, it doesn't stop until [I]you stop it. [/I] It's interesting to see, in some ways, how incredibly similar the stories are, how similar our difficult child's are, regardless of age.......I mentioned once that they all read the difficult child handbook because their responses and manipulations are so consistently the same. In some ways it becomes predictable behavior. I think when you start to see that, it will be easier for you to say no, when you likely will see how much she will attempt to get from you, without helping herself in any way. As I began seeing the truth, seeing how much I was manipulated, how it followed a certain trajectory, the set up, the long pauses so I could really get what a terrible place she was in, and in the original script, I just jumped in offering help because I couldn't stand the idea of her being hurt in some way or suffering. Then after awhile, she had to ask. Then after awhile, she asked and I said no. Then after awhile, she stopped asking, but the manipulations increased, the drama was higher and more intense, so my fear kicked in and I caved. Then after awhile I started to see through that too and just stopped listening and responding, same script time after time. It took awhile to plug up all the loopholes, make all the boundaries so clear, everyone knew where I stood. Now she doesn't ask anymore. It would be wonderful if it were different, but it's not, so I've learned to accept it. It's definitely a process! I feel for you both, I really do, this is a devastating experience for us parents, completely the opposite of what we as parents want to do and want to believe, it's horrific in every way. It goes against all our values and beliefs about what a good, loving parent is. However, it's our kids who changed the landscape and the rules, we then have to adapt to it, sigh.........I hope the yoga helped. I hope you can enjoy your evening and have some peace. Hang in there, you're doing just fine.............hugs............. [/QUOTE]
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