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Lies: Wants money because shelter not safe/open
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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 752016" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>Hi Barbara- I've been where you are. I know how difficult it is. I would strongly advise you give your daughter NO money as it is likely going for drugs or alcohol or whatever her current thing is. I know it feels wrong, but it is the right thing to make them take responsibility for their own lives. When my daughter was struggling I never gave her cash. If I wanted to get something for my granddaughter I bought the item. If I wanted them to have a meal I took them out. If I wanted to fill my daughter's car up I met her at the gas station. I am also a huge proponent of cutting off contact for periods of time. I am a really black and white person- with me it's all or nothing. So this was a difficult lesson for me to learn- you can cut off contact for awhile, not forever. I have done it several times in the past with my daughter and it has served a couple of purposes. 1) It gave me some much needed peace! 2) It serves as a reset on the relationship when you have time away. 3) It forced me to stay in my lane and put my focus where it belongs- on myself. Learning to focus on my life, health and happiness separately from my daughter's was a recovery for me. I spent so much time and energy focusing on her chaos and feeling bad because of her problems that I was making myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically sick. My responsibility is to me since my daughter is an adult. When I focus on me it also improves my relationship with my daughter. My health and happiness is no longer tied to hers. I can feel bad for a situation she is going through without letting it destroy my day. I'm not angry every time I talk to her because I truly believe that her journey is HER journey. I don't get to make the decisions. Also, when you aren't giving them money you don't feel like you should have a say in their lives. Interestingly as I've become more detached from my daughter she has improved her life. I know it's hard and I still sometimes struggle with boundaries and detachment, but I'm far better off than I used to be. Sending peace to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 752016, member: 11235"] Hi Barbara- I've been where you are. I know how difficult it is. I would strongly advise you give your daughter NO money as it is likely going for drugs or alcohol or whatever her current thing is. I know it feels wrong, but it is the right thing to make them take responsibility for their own lives. When my daughter was struggling I never gave her cash. If I wanted to get something for my granddaughter I bought the item. If I wanted them to have a meal I took them out. If I wanted to fill my daughter's car up I met her at the gas station. I am also a huge proponent of cutting off contact for periods of time. I am a really black and white person- with me it's all or nothing. So this was a difficult lesson for me to learn- you can cut off contact for awhile, not forever. I have done it several times in the past with my daughter and it has served a couple of purposes. 1) It gave me some much needed peace! 2) It serves as a reset on the relationship when you have time away. 3) It forced me to stay in my lane and put my focus where it belongs- on myself. Learning to focus on my life, health and happiness separately from my daughter's was a recovery for me. I spent so much time and energy focusing on her chaos and feeling bad because of her problems that I was making myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically sick. My responsibility is to me since my daughter is an adult. When I focus on me it also improves my relationship with my daughter. My health and happiness is no longer tied to hers. I can feel bad for a situation she is going through without letting it destroy my day. I'm not angry every time I talk to her because I truly believe that her journey is HER journey. I don't get to make the decisions. Also, when you aren't giving them money you don't feel like you should have a say in their lives. Interestingly as I've become more detached from my daughter she has improved her life. I know it's hard and I still sometimes struggle with boundaries and detachment, but I'm far better off than I used to be. Sending peace to you. [/QUOTE]
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