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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 369495" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am royally ****** on your and your difficult child's behalf!!!!! Regardless of whether he does ANYTHING else they want, they should be making eating the lunch you provide and taking his medications the TOP priority for his day. WHAT would happen if he went to school or this place and YOU hadn't given him his medications? If your area is anything like some of the places the rest of us live in, you would be facing a LOT of interference from CPS for not providing medically needed medications! HOW can this place get away with this??? You need to speak to the TOP person about this. First, for a week make a list of everything you pack for him and the medications you put in the bag. When he comes home make a list of whatever is in his lunch bag and medication box. Then go to the TOP person at the BMS, not in charge of the room or area, but the person who runs EVERYTHING and ask WHY. </p><p></p><p>Get an appointment with his doctor. Explain that you need a letter AND a note written on a prescription pad sayng that difficult child has food problems and MUST be fed the food you provide for him every day. It needs to say that his food must be very high in protein and low in carbs to meet his needs and that mother will provide daily meals that must be eaten. It also needs to outline what medications need to be given at what times. Some places won't honor a letter but will follow a "prescription", others are the opposite. Get both to cover the bases. Once they have these documents if they are NOT giving him his medications or his lunch they are then violating the advice of a medical professional and you can address this legally if need be. MOST places will NOT go against the advice of a doctor. Do they get any federal funding for their lunches, or take the kids to a local school for the free lunch program? If they do, and difficult child gets the federally provided meal at this place, the place (BMS or local school) can lose ALL FEDERAL FUNDS for this lunch place. on the other hand, if they use free lunch funds they often CAN give the free lunch with-o consequence because it is "approved" and NO ONE will stand up and say it is a cruddy lunch from almost any standpoint. </p><p></p><p>As for "Mommy will buy you X if you do Y", work with difficult child to tell them that they are LYING! You need to drill into him that no matter WHAT they say, if they are promising that MOMMY will do something they are lying. If Mommy says she will do something it is the truth, but these people are not mommy and do not know if she can afford it. Aspies are pretty good with rules that they figure out. Sit down with difficult child and ask him how many times that someone at school has promised to have Mommy buy something that it has come true? Ask him how many times has he come home and gotten upset because BMS has "promised" that Mommy will buy something and he has gotten upset because Mommy hasn't bought it. Let him know that you have NEVER told them to promise him something and that you are FURIOUS because they are LYING to him. difficult child knows that lying is bad and that he is not allowed to do it. (Whether he does it or not isn't the point here, lol.) So if Mommy promises something and always does it, and if BMS promises that Mommy will buy something and it never happens, and if saying something that isn't true is a lie, then BMS is LYING to him. Whether he looks at them and tells them they are lying or not is up to you and him. I am very sure my difficult child would look them in the face and tell them that they are liars. Of course my difficult child would never trust a word out of their mouths, but that might not be a bad thing in this situation, in my opinion. I would tell my son to NEVER fall for their lies again. That he needs to do what they tell him to with-o the promises, but that when they do make promises it is a LIE. I would decline to provide consequences at home for things he refused to do after they lied to him. At some point they will ask you to punish him at home for not doing what they want at school. Just say no because it isn't worth the effort or the uproar.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Is it worth more to have a fairly peaceful home or to have these people forcing your son into a meltdown? It is YOUR son and YOUR home. It is also YOUR easy child and YOUR person that have to suffer through the meltdowns along with difficult child. Tell the in home people that the structure is not working and that it is unreasonable. Your home is NOT an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and there is NO WAY to provide Residential Treatment Center (RTC) structure in a private home. It just is not possible. Your difficult child needs some time in his day with-o demands. We ALL do. Regardless of his behavior, difficult child does NOT deserve to have demands for performance put on him during every waking hour. It will not EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER work, regardless of how many people come in to force it upon him. As SOON as they are gone he is going to revert from any progress they make. It is NOT difficult child's fault or your fault. It just is. Either tell them to cut it out and approach him differently or tell them to go away. If you tell them to leave they likely won't offer services in the future, but that may or may not be a bad thing. It is a judgment call. You can ask for a meeting and tell them that this approach is not working and in fact is making things worse. Ask them to find another way, one that is less likely to provoke rages and meltdowns in an exhausted child, to help him.</p><p></p><p>Stop asking him what he did today. There are very few kids who will answer that. My youngest can SOMETIMES come up with something they did in class, if it was very interesting. He has aspie tendencies but is a total easy child and is teh top student in his class in every subject. Your difficult child is likely to be highly intelligent. If he is bored he probably won't remember. If he is having meltdowns he is going to forget things. MANY of our kids who have meltdowns often have a hard time remembering what they did during a meltdown with-o prodding. Wiz would know he had a rage or meltdown, but everything that happened during the event was a blur for him. I don't know why. I doubted it for a LONG time, but it wasn't a cop-out. Wiz has a phenomenal memory. He gets it from Gpa and I. We have always called it a "garbage can memory" because all sorts of bits of idiotic minutiae and trivia get tossed in there and never leave, along with almost everything that made an impact on us. We still forget things, don't get me wrong, but we have all sorts of irritating stupidity stuck in there whether we like it or not. But even with this memory Wiz still cannot remember ANY meltdown or rage he has ever had, not with any clarity. I don't know why, but I know it is true. Your difficult child may be this way. Of course I don't know for sure, but it is a possibility. </p><p></p><p>With all the demands placed on your difficult child during his day, your question is just one more demand and likely he is overwhelmed already. Let him know that you would LOVE to hear about anything that was exciting in a good or upsetting way, but you understand if he doesn't want to talk. In the long run it will likely make him open up more to you. The more you pester him to tell you about his day the more he will clam up. Pester is likely how HE sees your question, NOT how you are meaning it or actually saying it. After a while maybe you could ask him to remember 2 things about his day and you will tell him 2 things about yours. Give the issue a couple of weeks rest and then in a calm moment suggest it. See what he thinks. If he is not willing, maybe start telling him 2 interesting things about your day <em>without</em> asking anything about his. Give it a few weeks and then ask again if he would try to remember 2 things about his day to tell you. Maybe sit down with him over a snack to exchange interesting things. </p><p></p><p>Try to remember that it is your home and your child, not the experts. Put yourself in difficult child's shoes, would YOU be likely to be cooperative if you were treated the way these people are treating your son? Take control and if things are not working let the "experts" know that you expect them to come up with a new approach that will work with-o all the meltdowns that are now occurring. difficult child doesn't like the meltdowns either, and if these people are doing what it sounds like, they are more likely to PROVOKE a meltdown than to help difficult child do ANYTHING positive. </p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 369495, member: 1233"] I am royally ****** on your and your difficult child's behalf!!!!! Regardless of whether he does ANYTHING else they want, they should be making eating the lunch you provide and taking his medications the TOP priority for his day. WHAT would happen if he went to school or this place and YOU hadn't given him his medications? If your area is anything like some of the places the rest of us live in, you would be facing a LOT of interference from CPS for not providing medically needed medications! HOW can this place get away with this??? You need to speak to the TOP person about this. First, for a week make a list of everything you pack for him and the medications you put in the bag. When he comes home make a list of whatever is in his lunch bag and medication box. Then go to the TOP person at the BMS, not in charge of the room or area, but the person who runs EVERYTHING and ask WHY. Get an appointment with his doctor. Explain that you need a letter AND a note written on a prescription pad sayng that difficult child has food problems and MUST be fed the food you provide for him every day. It needs to say that his food must be very high in protein and low in carbs to meet his needs and that mother will provide daily meals that must be eaten. It also needs to outline what medications need to be given at what times. Some places won't honor a letter but will follow a "prescription", others are the opposite. Get both to cover the bases. Once they have these documents if they are NOT giving him his medications or his lunch they are then violating the advice of a medical professional and you can address this legally if need be. MOST places will NOT go against the advice of a doctor. Do they get any federal funding for their lunches, or take the kids to a local school for the free lunch program? If they do, and difficult child gets the federally provided meal at this place, the place (BMS or local school) can lose ALL FEDERAL FUNDS for this lunch place. on the other hand, if they use free lunch funds they often CAN give the free lunch with-o consequence because it is "approved" and NO ONE will stand up and say it is a cruddy lunch from almost any standpoint. As for "Mommy will buy you X if you do Y", work with difficult child to tell them that they are LYING! You need to drill into him that no matter WHAT they say, if they are promising that MOMMY will do something they are lying. If Mommy says she will do something it is the truth, but these people are not mommy and do not know if she can afford it. Aspies are pretty good with rules that they figure out. Sit down with difficult child and ask him how many times that someone at school has promised to have Mommy buy something that it has come true? Ask him how many times has he come home and gotten upset because BMS has "promised" that Mommy will buy something and he has gotten upset because Mommy hasn't bought it. Let him know that you have NEVER told them to promise him something and that you are FURIOUS because they are LYING to him. difficult child knows that lying is bad and that he is not allowed to do it. (Whether he does it or not isn't the point here, lol.) So if Mommy promises something and always does it, and if BMS promises that Mommy will buy something and it never happens, and if saying something that isn't true is a lie, then BMS is LYING to him. Whether he looks at them and tells them they are lying or not is up to you and him. I am very sure my difficult child would look them in the face and tell them that they are liars. Of course my difficult child would never trust a word out of their mouths, but that might not be a bad thing in this situation, in my opinion. I would tell my son to NEVER fall for their lies again. That he needs to do what they tell him to with-o the promises, but that when they do make promises it is a LIE. I would decline to provide consequences at home for things he refused to do after they lied to him. At some point they will ask you to punish him at home for not doing what they want at school. Just say no because it isn't worth the effort or the uproar. Is it worth more to have a fairly peaceful home or to have these people forcing your son into a meltdown? It is YOUR son and YOUR home. It is also YOUR easy child and YOUR person that have to suffer through the meltdowns along with difficult child. Tell the in home people that the structure is not working and that it is unreasonable. Your home is NOT an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and there is NO WAY to provide Residential Treatment Center (RTC) structure in a private home. It just is not possible. Your difficult child needs some time in his day with-o demands. We ALL do. Regardless of his behavior, difficult child does NOT deserve to have demands for performance put on him during every waking hour. It will not EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER work, regardless of how many people come in to force it upon him. As SOON as they are gone he is going to revert from any progress they make. It is NOT difficult child's fault or your fault. It just is. Either tell them to cut it out and approach him differently or tell them to go away. If you tell them to leave they likely won't offer services in the future, but that may or may not be a bad thing. It is a judgment call. You can ask for a meeting and tell them that this approach is not working and in fact is making things worse. Ask them to find another way, one that is less likely to provoke rages and meltdowns in an exhausted child, to help him. Stop asking him what he did today. There are very few kids who will answer that. My youngest can SOMETIMES come up with something they did in class, if it was very interesting. He has aspie tendencies but is a total easy child and is teh top student in his class in every subject. Your difficult child is likely to be highly intelligent. If he is bored he probably won't remember. If he is having meltdowns he is going to forget things. MANY of our kids who have meltdowns often have a hard time remembering what they did during a meltdown with-o prodding. Wiz would know he had a rage or meltdown, but everything that happened during the event was a blur for him. I don't know why. I doubted it for a LONG time, but it wasn't a cop-out. Wiz has a phenomenal memory. He gets it from Gpa and I. We have always called it a "garbage can memory" because all sorts of bits of idiotic minutiae and trivia get tossed in there and never leave, along with almost everything that made an impact on us. We still forget things, don't get me wrong, but we have all sorts of irritating stupidity stuck in there whether we like it or not. But even with this memory Wiz still cannot remember ANY meltdown or rage he has ever had, not with any clarity. I don't know why, but I know it is true. Your difficult child may be this way. Of course I don't know for sure, but it is a possibility. With all the demands placed on your difficult child during his day, your question is just one more demand and likely he is overwhelmed already. Let him know that you would LOVE to hear about anything that was exciting in a good or upsetting way, but you understand if he doesn't want to talk. In the long run it will likely make him open up more to you. The more you pester him to tell you about his day the more he will clam up. Pester is likely how HE sees your question, NOT how you are meaning it or actually saying it. After a while maybe you could ask him to remember 2 things about his day and you will tell him 2 things about yours. Give the issue a couple of weeks rest and then in a calm moment suggest it. See what he thinks. If he is not willing, maybe start telling him 2 interesting things about your day [I]without[/I] asking anything about his. Give it a few weeks and then ask again if he would try to remember 2 things about his day to tell you. Maybe sit down with him over a snack to exchange interesting things. Try to remember that it is your home and your child, not the experts. Put yourself in difficult child's shoes, would YOU be likely to be cooperative if you were treated the way these people are treating your son? Take control and if things are not working let the "experts" know that you expect them to come up with a new approach that will work with-o all the meltdowns that are now occurring. difficult child doesn't like the meltdowns either, and if these people are doing what it sounds like, they are more likely to PROVOKE a meltdown than to help difficult child do ANYTHING positive. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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