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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 189087" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">(I know I've seen this before somewhere, but it is just hysterical. I laugh every time I see it. Hope you enjoy!)</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">***</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">will have you laughing out LOUD! </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Here's what happened:</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Ernie, Mom!" </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">I was equally outraged.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.)</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"What do you think, doctor, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">speak to you privately for a moment?"</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">We were silent, absorbing this.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"So, Ernie's just just . . . excited," my wife offered.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Two lizards: $140.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">One cage: $50.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Trip to the vet: $30.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px">Lizards lay eggs! </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 189087, member: 3626"] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3](I know I've seen this before somewhere, but it is just hysterical. I laugh every time I see it. Hope you enjoy!)[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]***[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]will have you laughing out LOUD! [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Here's what happened:[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Ernie, Mom!" [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]I was equally outraged.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.)[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"What do you think, doctor, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]speak to you privately for a moment?"[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]We were silent, absorbing this.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"So, Ernie's just just . . . excited," my wife offered.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Two lizards: $140.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]One cage: $50.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Trip to the vet: $30.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless![/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Lizards lay eggs! [/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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