This is what I wrote to my son yestarday by facebook message ( a pretty reliable way of communicating with him)
In the days and weeks since I reesablished contact with him (after 2 months of no contact when he got out of jail), I have not once felt happy or light after seeing or hearing from him. At best I am a little annoyed and agitated...at worst I am very put out, inconvenienced, repelled, anxious, distressed..
Saturday he was persistent about wanting to come visit me..I said he could shower and nap. As he walked in the door I got a call that my friend from work had had a bike accident and was being airlifted to the hosptial...I called my friends wife, who hadn't yet heard, and was scrambling to go pick her up.
I let difficult child stay in the house.
There isn't a horrible end to the story. I believe he shot up heroin while I was gone. My SO came home and found him high, and they talked about his use. Afterwards difficult child texted me...I love you mom.
Dear son,
I'm going to write about me now.
I find that it is very draining and difficult for me to have much contact with you.
I love you, and I always want to see you, and yet when I see you I realize a reality that is very very hard for me.
I don't think you realize just how far you have gone. You ask me often how I think you are doing..and it is hard for me to know how to answer. On the one hand, it is a victory for you that you shower most days, and that you continue to look for work, so I want to acknowledge that.
On the other hand, you at all times look like what you are, which is a homeless man who is shaggy and dirty and unkempt, a heroine addict, a street person. No one who met you would mistake you for anything else...it is important that you realize that. Pizzeria xxxx won't want to hire you...they wouldn't even really want you as a customer. You probably don't see that about yourself because it has happened so slowly, but it is true.
You are incredibly resourceful. It is amazing to me that you have managed to live on the streets for close to two years now. But you have also slowly lost almost all your resources...this time last year you had food stamps, government money, you were living in a house (granted a somewhat unstable one) and you were getting your GED.
You may feel that you are doing well, but it is important to take a step back and understand the slow slide downhill that you are on.
My sadness is many layers...first and foremost is that you are killing yourself with drugs. If you do indeed have hep C, and you continue to drink and use heroin, you will become bloated, turn yellow, and die. That is just a fact. I will lose my son, and there is nothing I can do about that.
The longer you live on the very margins of society, the harder it is to ever incorporate again. You are so used to being dirty, to the life of drama of who has been kicked out of where, of who is in jail, of who is using and who is trying to stay clean and who is withdrawing and who has overdosed...you don't even see it anymore.
So in the end, I don't want to go to the movies. I can't have a relationship with some one who deliberately misleads me or actually lies to me on so many levels all the time. I don't want to be in the same room with the sadness and loss of my lovely young son who is just in free fall.
I am always here if you should at some time decide you really want to live as an adult, to get clean, to live in a house, to have a few belongings like clean clothes and a bed. I am not, however, willing to entertain your claims of doing well, looking for a job, gonna get an apartment, any of the things that require actually moving forward. It is too hard for me, too sad for me, and it is endlessly heartbreaking.
I am glad that you are happy. I get that you prefer this life, and at 20, that is a choice you get to make. I'm very sad and sorry that you don't have the cushion of the money from the government that I truly feel you needed and deserved to get your feet under you. That was supposed to be for food and housing so you could be a productive member of society, but it is gone now...again, something you chose.
I am sorry you choose unstable people to spend your time with. I understand that you have good days with them, and that you are a loving and kind and affectionate person who needs a circle of friends. From my point of view they keep you in this life of drugs and dirt and drama. Who ever thought you would grow up to be comfortable with the idea of friends in jail, of yourself in jail, of emergency room visits and having things stolen from you and friends who are friends one day and throwing you out or attacking you the next.
I am beyond sad that that is the life you choose for yourself.
But I get that you choose it, that you often like it, and that as you tell me, you are happy.
I will work to remember that you are happy.
I also have to take care of myself, and I can't afford to be taken down emotionally by continuing to have contact with you while you are living this life.
I love you. I embrace you with my whole heart, always. I do not want to see you or spend time with you while you are living this way and using.
So good bye for now. Let me know when you can choose a healthier life, and can take steps towards that and keep walking. Until then...this is goodbye.
Mom
