It is such a familiar feeling of awful loss...the same feeling I had when my mom died after a long illness. Bottomless sorrow overlaid on deep fatigue.
MWM, you were right. difficult child was waiting for me as I walked home from work...I even went a slightly different way than usual. He hurried over and came up behind me (I saw him from a distance, and saw him see me and jump up from his group of..we'll call them companions, I guess). He said "I saw your facebook message, I just didn't know how to respond". And then he said "I hope this is OK, seeing each other in the park and saying hi". MWM, I hadn't gotten your message yet, and I wasn't prepared, so I smiled weakly. It was unexpected, and more than I could take to see him so fast. He walked along with me, asked about my day, told me a story about losing and finding his phone. When we got to the edge of the park (it isn't very big) I said "all this counts". And he looked away, and cut left and walked off, looking...pained? irritated? upset? mad? I couldn't tell.
Later last night I looked at his facebook page (I know, I tell everyone not to do that) and he had a new post that said "I wish this was all a dream."
Probably nothing to do with me, but it struck me to the heart.
I just remind myself...I cannot change him. My acceptance or support of him allows him to think he is sort of a normal variant. It upsets me and throws me off to have contact with him. A little contact leads to a lot of contact....always. A little contact can be ok, but a lot of contact is not. He hasn't changed in 2 years...in fact he has gotten worse, more entrenched in his lifestyle. I can't "hang out" with him while he continues this downward slide. He was late coming to see me on Saturday because he stopped to buy heroin (pretty sure about that). His denial of his situation and my relentless hope for change is a toxic combination to me. For all these reasons and more, I can't keep on as we were doing.
I'm going to work from home today..glad I have that option sometimes. I'll run, meditate, pet my dog, and make a strawberry cake for later when my easy child's come back from 2 weeks with their dad. None of that will make the ache in my chest go away, I know that, but it will keep my hands busy, and time will pass, and it will get better.
It reminds me of those bad break ups in the past...I hope he'll call and say he's realized something huge and everything will be different. It didn't happen then, and it won't happen now...my work today is to recognize that soul-sapping hope and try to release it to the sky.
Dammit, Help, Child, MWM, Everywoman, Thank you so much for those loving, kind and thoughtful responses. I felt less alone yestarday because of them.
yes.
Echo
