Echo, I'm so sorry. I learned the hard way that they really don't want to let us go because we are their back up in case they get into trouble and, like small children, they want us to be there...with money, with bail, with whatever....even though they abuse us they are attached to us with the wants and needs of a small child because they are not growing up normally. They want us to accept their behavior, but they won't accept our boundaries. 36 can call me ten times a day and even gets angry if I CAN'T answer the phone and he needs me...sort of like the world changes it's rules in his favor if he needs to talk to me. And, to be honest, often I am just not up to talking to him so I just don't answer. I have told him 100 times not to call and call until I answer, that once is all I want to hear him calling me, but he disregards that. That's why your letter, so touching to all of us moms, made me think he'd disregard your boundary at once and force you to see him...and not even "get" what your beautiful, thoughtful letter meant.
When we lose our child to drugs, dysfunction, aggression that we can no longer deal with, anything...the loss of the child we hoped we'd had does feel like our child has died and I always have felt grief. With both Scott and 36. With 36 it was when he was a little boy and it was clear he was not the sweet little boy most people have, that something was very wrong. With Scott it was about two years of grieving the loss of him. I have actually landed in a place that is pretty good and not so much about them and I hope the same for you. I have always wished their were grief groups for those who had left a bad relationship...ANY relationship. This is the only place I've found where I get understanding. I cling to the board because it helps me stay strong. Although Julie's problems resolved and I am no longer grieving for Scott like I used to, there is always 36. And he is ALWAYS THERE, even though he's in Missouri. Hard to explain, but when he calls me every single day five times a day to complain about the stuff he does that ruins his life (he's doing a whopper right now) and asks for advice then yells at me when he doesn't like the advice...well, it is hard to just move on. This board keeps me going and allows me to decide not to talk to him if I don't want to. Remember, we are here for you 24/7, 365 days a year.
Now that you know he didn't "get" your letter and won't accept your boundaries unless YOU enforce it, you can prepare your next response to his inevitable next contact with you. Like you, I hope it is from a rehab that he entered on his own. But it is best to prepare a response for every scenario, including saying, "Unless you decide to rejoin society, this conversation is over."
Don't check his FB.
Take good care of yourself today. Drink lots of chamomile tea (weak smile).
