MWM, he called again tonight...and again I was unprepared! I don't know why I picked up...he borrows peoples phones to call me, so I always at least suspect an unknown caller from out of state will turn out to be him...but I picked up anyway, even as one of my easy child's said...I wouldn't pick up, mom.
difficult child said...I figured I would still call to let you know I'm alive.
I used to ask him to do that. Beg him to do that, actually. At least once every three days. And he did.
He said..you still want that don't you?
and I didn't know what to say.
What I want right now is complete separation.
But I couldn't say it.
He started to tell me what he was doing, where he was, that he was eating a healthy meal...he wants so much to share with me, it is so odd...he has always wanted to present himself as doing well.
I cut him off and said that is enough. Thank you for calling (huh?). And he said...I love you mom, and hung up.
I need to do better next time but I'm not sure how. I think I will just not pick up (but then he calls SO, and he always picks up..)
Yes that is absolutely so. He almost desperately wants me to accept and love and embrace him as he is. He reminds me of a little kid...he needs to see himself in my eyes. And that cannot be.
this is a agreat line. I have to figure out how to use it with difficult child. I basically did use it in a fight with SO last night, but it was much longer, uglier, and less elegant. I should have stuck with this.
I thought about this for a long time. I couldn't conjure any anger at all. It was actually the straw that broke me, but I just felt...defeated. Flattened really.
Cedar, you know I was very very angry for a while, all winter. I couldn't let it go, it was devouring me. It felt like my full work was to keep my anger from destroying my life. And it finally faded. I don't think I want to be angry again. I don't feel it now.
My easy child's were with their dad. I don't tend to invite difficult child over when they are here...they are such a light to me, I don't want to dim my short time with them (split custody) with his presence. They worry if he leaves the room, and they wonder if I have made rules they don't know about, that he might be breaking..their vigilance is saddening.
I remember this from the winter. I think you posted it then. It helped me... a lot. Hamlets brokenness, Shakespeare's magnificense, all of us so human and sick at heart.
I need to study the dragon mural. I love the imagery you created with words, Cedar.
I would like some comments about how to handle his calls and run in s (he was in the park again tonight as I walked through with my easy child's to go get a burger...we avoided him by taking a different path.)
