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Parent Emeritus
Long, long journey to acceptance (swiped from a line by COM on another thread)
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 628125" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Cedar, when you write just straight out from your stream of consciousness it helps me so much. You write these things, these confusing things, about how you feel and how it doesn't make any sense, and then how you are progressing, and then the crazy strange things that I feel, I can see that they are part of my recovery and my progress and my healing.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes people on this board think and get confused about what we write, sometimes. They think that we believe everything we write is true or good advice or our beliefs. A lot of time we are just writing out of our head, dumping it all out, sorting it out here, letting some air get to it, and when we go back and read it, we don't sometimes know even where it came from.</p><p></p><p>I think this type of writing, letting others see our deepest thoughts, faults, selves, is another way of taking more steps on this road.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to realize that about others who post here, and weigh all with mercy. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes, living in this strange zone of loving someone so much and continuing to watch the destruction of their lives, I have feelings and thoughts fleeting through my head. </p><p></p><p>I have visceral reactions to things, like this---I have been very involved in my community here, and my PR business kind of demands that type of visibility and involvement. Well, I just can't do those things anymore. I have a visceral negative reaction to it all. Tonight there is (yet another....) community event that I SHOULD go to, I am on the advisory board of this organization, and showing up is expected. Well, I'm not going. There are so many things like this. I just can't. I just can't go there, and stand around and make small talk, and sip wine and do that stuff anymore. It is completely out of my realm anymore. </p><p></p><p>It seems like a false world. I have no stomach for it. I have said it out loud to a few trusted friends. It's not that the causes aren't good, I know they are. But the posturing and the falseness and the just sheer waste of energy----well, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this new world I am moving into.</p><p></p><p>This city, sometimes I hate this city, like you said above. I hate this place that my son has come to ruin in. I wish I could completely move away and leave all of it---including him---behind. </p><p></p><p>There, I have said it. I don't know what it means. </p><p></p><p>Time will help me, Cedar. I know this. I also know that feelings aren't facts. I know this. But I must dump out my feelings, examine them, let some air get to them, let you trusted friends see them, and maybe then, at some point, I will see why.</p><p></p><p>Last night, SO and I had our third premarital counseling session. We had some really good and honest conversation with the priest who is going to marry us, who is a wonderful man in his 70s. It struck me again how grateful I am that I have had to do this hard, hard work on me for these past few years. I have changed so much. I told them both: SO is "getting me" at the very best time of my life. I am a much better person today than I have ever been before.</p><p></p><p>But the pace of change is bewildering. It is hard to assimilate all of this. </p><p></p><p>When I'm confused by my own self, and my feelings and thoughts, I am trying to turn it over to my Higher Power and just accept myself and what is, today. </p><p></p><p>I am trying to trust that there is a greater purpose for this, and that something good is going to come from the tears and the pain and the despair and the unnatural I-don't-even-understand-this feeling. </p><p></p><p>Because my experience continues to show me that this is the case, and it will be again. Things will become clearer in time.</p><p></p><p>I am so grateful once again that today, difficult child is in jail still and I have a reprieve from him and can make small steps forward still.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 628125, member: 17542"] Oh Cedar, when you write just straight out from your stream of consciousness it helps me so much. You write these things, these confusing things, about how you feel and how it doesn't make any sense, and then how you are progressing, and then the crazy strange things that I feel, I can see that they are part of my recovery and my progress and my healing. Sometimes people on this board think and get confused about what we write, sometimes. They think that we believe everything we write is true or good advice or our beliefs. A lot of time we are just writing out of our head, dumping it all out, sorting it out here, letting some air get to it, and when we go back and read it, we don't sometimes know even where it came from. I think this type of writing, letting others see our deepest thoughts, faults, selves, is another way of taking more steps on this road. I am trying to realize that about others who post here, and weigh all with mercy. Sometimes, living in this strange zone of loving someone so much and continuing to watch the destruction of their lives, I have feelings and thoughts fleeting through my head. I have visceral reactions to things, like this---I have been very involved in my community here, and my PR business kind of demands that type of visibility and involvement. Well, I just can't do those things anymore. I have a visceral negative reaction to it all. Tonight there is (yet another....) community event that I SHOULD go to, I am on the advisory board of this organization, and showing up is expected. Well, I'm not going. There are so many things like this. I just can't. I just can't go there, and stand around and make small talk, and sip wine and do that stuff anymore. It is completely out of my realm anymore. It seems like a false world. I have no stomach for it. I have said it out loud to a few trusted friends. It's not that the causes aren't good, I know they are. But the posturing and the falseness and the just sheer waste of energy----well, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this new world I am moving into. This city, sometimes I hate this city, like you said above. I hate this place that my son has come to ruin in. I wish I could completely move away and leave all of it---including him---behind. There, I have said it. I don't know what it means. Time will help me, Cedar. I know this. I also know that feelings aren't facts. I know this. But I must dump out my feelings, examine them, let some air get to them, let you trusted friends see them, and maybe then, at some point, I will see why. Last night, SO and I had our third premarital counseling session. We had some really good and honest conversation with the priest who is going to marry us, who is a wonderful man in his 70s. It struck me again how grateful I am that I have had to do this hard, hard work on me for these past few years. I have changed so much. I told them both: SO is "getting me" at the very best time of my life. I am a much better person today than I have ever been before. But the pace of change is bewildering. It is hard to assimilate all of this. When I'm confused by my own self, and my feelings and thoughts, I am trying to turn it over to my Higher Power and just accept myself and what is, today. I am trying to trust that there is a greater purpose for this, and that something good is going to come from the tears and the pain and the despair and the unnatural I-don't-even-understand-this feeling. Because my experience continues to show me that this is the case, and it will be again. Things will become clearer in time. I am so grateful once again that today, difficult child is in jail still and I have a reprieve from him and can make small steps forward still. [/QUOTE]
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Long, long journey to acceptance (swiped from a line by COM on another thread)
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