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Long, long journey to acceptance (swiped from a line by COM on another thread)
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628138" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I feel that way, too. I have learned to trust the process, now. The changes are coming faster, and I have to let go.</p><p></p><p>Just like Recovering is always posting to us, COM.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That happened to me too, COM. It is part of what is happening with my family of origin. I liked what you said about feeling that some of the things we did before now seem like a "sheer waste of energy". That is how it feels for me, too. I am bone tired of pretending a thing is right or valuable or has the potential for good when it doesn't resonate as real.</p><p></p><p>It feels like I am losing the energy to "cover the truth with a lie" just because the truth is ugly. </p><p></p><p>True things are pretty ugly, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>But this is what has been happening around those issues, COM. I am also coming heartbreakingly alive to the beauty of true things. The sun, rising, setting, or just shining around the house.</p><p></p><p>How goofy is that?</p><p></p><p>My husband. </p><p></p><p>My own face.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree. I don't really know what is going on, anymore. I just try to do the best I know ~ and I get it, that I am coming on too strong. I want to. That is part of what is different about me, now. I want to respond with what I really mean. I hope I am not being a jerk. But...if I am, then I want to know that, too.</p><p></p><p>I try to be kind.</p><p></p><p>That seems to be the only value that made it through this change process.</p><p></p><p>That's a pretty good thing, I think.</p><p> </p><p>But even "kind" involves a judgment call on my part. </p><p></p><p>And I don't really know who I am, anymore.</p><p></p><p>I am unpredictable to myself.</p><p></p><p>And I want it.</p><p></p><p>I want it to be real...but real keeps changing.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have posted about this before. Your response brought it to mind and heart. </p><p></p><p>So, here goes.</p><p></p><p>Maya Angelou, in responding to a question about where her strength of character and purpose were fueled, said these things come to her from her love for God.</p><p></p><p>Not from God's love for her, but for <em>her</em> love for God.</p><p></p><p>She goes on to describe love as something that creates, that burns through and uplifts ~ not the romantic notion we have of love, but the reality of the creative force.</p><p></p><p>The reality of that creative force, of that source of strength and passion and inspiration, that we have no other word for but love.</p><p></p><p>Maya also talked about how she learned to love God that way. This is how that happened, for her:</p><p></p><p>Someone was working with her on this or that issue. He told her to say, "God loves me" with passion and meaning. She said that phrase over and over, feeling shamed, feeling more and more worthless, until...she broke through.</p><p></p><p>She got it.</p><p></p><p>God knew and deeply cherished, took joy in, believed the best for, her. For the very person she was in that moment, in every moment.</p><p></p><p>She realized she ~ all that was good, all that was bad ~ that she was here on purpose.</p><p></p><p>Because she could accept that that divine, eternal, ever-creating Force recognized and loved <em>her</em>... she could return the feeling.</p><p></p><p>That intensity of love she returns to the Divine is what Maya Angelou attributes her strength of vision, her courage to call a new truth into existence, to.</p><p></p><p>Your response just made me think of that, COM.</p><p></p><p>I am happy for you.</p><p></p><p>And for me, too.</p><p></p><p>I think we would not have come so far, alone.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628138, member: 17461"] I feel that way, too. I have learned to trust the process, now. The changes are coming faster, and I have to let go. Just like Recovering is always posting to us, COM. That happened to me too, COM. It is part of what is happening with my family of origin. I liked what you said about feeling that some of the things we did before now seem like a "sheer waste of energy". That is how it feels for me, too. I am bone tired of pretending a thing is right or valuable or has the potential for good when it doesn't resonate as real. It feels like I am losing the energy to "cover the truth with a lie" just because the truth is ugly. True things are pretty ugly, sometimes. But this is what has been happening around those issues, COM. I am also coming heartbreakingly alive to the beauty of true things. The sun, rising, setting, or just shining around the house. How goofy is that? My husband. My own face. I agree. I don't really know what is going on, anymore. I just try to do the best I know ~ and I get it, that I am coming on too strong. I want to. That is part of what is different about me, now. I want to respond with what I really mean. I hope I am not being a jerk. But...if I am, then I want to know that, too. I try to be kind. That seems to be the only value that made it through this change process. That's a pretty good thing, I think. But even "kind" involves a judgment call on my part. And I don't really know who I am, anymore. I am unpredictable to myself. And I want it. I want it to be real...but real keeps changing. I have posted about this before. Your response brought it to mind and heart. So, here goes. Maya Angelou, in responding to a question about where her strength of character and purpose were fueled, said these things come to her from her love for God. Not from God's love for her, but for [I]her[/I] love for God. She goes on to describe love as something that creates, that burns through and uplifts ~ not the romantic notion we have of love, but the reality of the creative force. The reality of that creative force, of that source of strength and passion and inspiration, that we have no other word for but love. Maya also talked about how she learned to love God that way. This is how that happened, for her: Someone was working with her on this or that issue. He told her to say, "God loves me" with passion and meaning. She said that phrase over and over, feeling shamed, feeling more and more worthless, until...she broke through. She got it. God knew and deeply cherished, took joy in, believed the best for, her. For the very person she was in that moment, in every moment. She realized she ~ all that was good, all that was bad ~ that she was here on purpose. Because she could accept that that divine, eternal, ever-creating Force recognized and loved [I]her[/I]... she could return the feeling. That intensity of love she returns to the Divine is what Maya Angelou attributes her strength of vision, her courage to call a new truth into existence, to. Your response just made me think of that, COM. I am happy for you. And for me, too. I think we would not have come so far, alone. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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