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Long, long journey to acceptance (swiped from a line by COM on another thread)
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629104" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Ouch, Echo.</p><p></p><p>There are times when I wish we could have a magical (instantaneous) getaway on a beach at night. All of us could be there, and could comfort or cajole or just forget all about the kids, together.</p><p></p><p>White beach.</p><p></p><p>Full moon.</p><p></p><p>Beautiful horses.</p><p></p><p>This is one of those times I wish that, Echo.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry you are going through this. But: <em>You are moving, Echo. You are acknowledging things you have been feeling, and discounting, for so long that you forgot it was you who felt that way, once. You are trying a new thing. You are loving your son enough to want to keep loving him.</em></p><p></p><p><em>And you know, Echo...you know you cannot go on the way it was.</em></p><p></p><p>You will move through this part Echo, I know it. Nothing we do on this site is easy. It is gut wrenching.</p><p></p><p>OUR GUTS.</p><p></p><p>But Echo, you saw what it was and you saw where it was going. If you are going to have any relationship with your son, it is going to have to be a compromise between what he wants (total Echo obliteration in the difficult child mom role) and what you not only want but desperately need, Echo.</p><p></p><p>We all need to grow and grow and grow. </p><p></p><p>We grow through every role we take in life.</p><p></p><p>We move on. The role changes. Ultimately, we become the ones cared for, not the care takers.</p><p></p><p>That our children are difficult children does not let us out of our own need to grow and mature, Echo.</p><p></p><p>You are doing the best, THE BEST, possible thing you know for your son Echo, in forcing self reliance.</p><p></p><p>**********************</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, so sorry this is so hard, Echo.</p><p></p><p>But it is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>So...it's okay that it is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>It's okay.</p><p></p><p>Okay to be tired. Okay to be discouraged. Okay to question yourself and the reactions of your family.</p><p></p><p>It is okay, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Life is not pretty, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>And for us, that is a fact borne home again and again and again.</p><p></p><p>You can do this, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Echo?</p><p></p><p>You can do it beautifully.</p><p></p><p>You are moving through a new possible reality. You can change back to the old way anytime.</p><p></p><p>Give this time a little more time, Echo.</p><p></p><p>We are right here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep.</p><p></p><p>Good, good, good for you, Echo. </p><p></p><p>Let him learn to be proud of himself, for himself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And there will be no respect in it for him <em>to</em> endure, if he does it for you, instead of for himself, Echo.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, no, Echo. Everything you do or choose not to do has enormous impact. With our difficult child kids, we have no way to know, while we are in it, whether what we are doing is having the effect we had hoped or not.</p><p></p><p>Believe that it is, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Now is the time for faith in yourself, and in your assessment of where this needs to go, next.</p><p></p><p>You have patience.</p><p></p><p>You have strength.</p><p></p><p>You love your son.</p><p></p><p>Now? You are learning to love yourself too, Echo. It feels mean. Feels wrong.</p><p></p><p>In reality, the wrong thing is when we continue to love our adult children with the same passionate intensity a mother reserves for a dependent child.</p><p></p><p>We need to help our adult children mature, Echo.</p><p></p><p>And we need to mature, to reclaim our lives, to become ourselves again, too.</p><p></p><p>We do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And something like that is just the attitude I would strive for, when next I talked to difficult child. Celebration for <em>him, </em>that maybe he can beat this thing, after all.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sometimes surprised to see that my "kids" are like...getting old. Somewhere in my heart? They are still toddlers or teens or young adults. For the parent of a normally adjusting child this is fine. For parents of difficult child children, that kind of imagery is a killer.</p><p></p><p>For the difficult child too, I am coming to believe.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Happy for you, Albi!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And this is so important for all of us to remember. WE GET TO TAKE TIME TO FORMULATE A RESPONSE.</p><p></p><p>It is the difficult children right, responsibility, and honor to create and to manage, to live or to die to, his own life.</p><p></p><p>It is his right to do with his lifetime what he will.</p><p></p><p>We are the ones who get to decide our roles with wherever the child wants to take his (or her) life.</p><p></p><p>That's all we get to decide.</p><p></p><p>How we will respond.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No one said it would be easy, Echo. It is not easy to perform actions that go against every grain of our being.</p><p></p><p>But Echo? I'm so sorry, Echo...but the other way hasn't worked.</p><p></p><p>You are courageous, you are staying the course. It isn't easy <em>and that is okay, Echo.</em></p><p></p><p>I'm very proud of you. This is tough, and you are standing right up and handling it.</p><p></p><p>I believe you could now qualify as a bona fide b***** on wheels, Echo.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think you need to let this one play out, Echo.</p><p></p><p>difficult child dad will pick up or he won't. You can only control your response.</p><p></p><p>To anything in this world Echo, you can only control your own response.</p><p></p><p>That is a hard one for me, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"We aren't fighting. I am loving him into a man."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sorry, Echo. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing to change a pattern, to change a habit, to do things in a different way, Echo.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Do it, anyway.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>True. And that is okay. You knew going in it was going to be hard. It is hard for a really long time.</p><p></p><p>That's the thing.</p><p></p><p>It is really hard for a really, really long time.</p><p></p><p>And then, something bad happens.</p><p></p><p>You are doing the right thing, Echo.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There will come a day when you can know this and, though the sadness of it will still be the sadness of it? You will go on.</p><p></p><p>You will carry it, honor the truth of it, love the bearer of it...but you will go on.</p><p></p><p>All of this will become a part of who you are, nothing more.</p><p></p><p>Little sadness, little grief, some days.</p><p></p><p>That is what happened to me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is the hard thing about it. For people like us, kindness is mandatory. Kindness is something we can do about the cruelty in the world. It kills us to be mean, to say no.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your son, like mine Echo, needs to become a man. Or he will be worthless to himself.</p><p></p><p>Do that for him, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Help him become a man.</p><p></p><p>See him as a man.</p><p></p><p>I had to do that, too.</p><p></p><p>It was the hardest thing.</p><p></p><p>Know that I am holding such a special place for you in my thoughts as you go through...everything this entails, Echo. There is no happy ending. There is deciding what the best, most high, least painful, most beneficial for all concerned thing is and then, sticking with it.</p><p></p><p>But we are here, Echo.</p><p></p><p>And that is something.</p><p></p><p>There are moms out there going through this alone.</p><p></p><p>That would be worse.</p><p></p><p>I always tell that to myself when I feel overwhelmed. I could be facing this alone. And if I had been, Echo? </p><p></p><p>I could never have changed.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry, Echo.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>And that is okay.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629104, member: 17461"] Ouch, Echo. There are times when I wish we could have a magical (instantaneous) getaway on a beach at night. All of us could be there, and could comfort or cajole or just forget all about the kids, together. White beach. Full moon. Beautiful horses. This is one of those times I wish that, Echo. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But: [I]You are moving, Echo. You are acknowledging things you have been feeling, and discounting, for so long that you forgot it was you who felt that way, once. You are trying a new thing. You are loving your son enough to want to keep loving him.[/I] [I]And you know, Echo...you know you cannot go on the way it was.[/I] You will move through this part Echo, I know it. Nothing we do on this site is easy. It is gut wrenching. OUR GUTS. But Echo, you saw what it was and you saw where it was going. If you are going to have any relationship with your son, it is going to have to be a compromise between what he wants (total Echo obliteration in the difficult child mom role) and what you not only want but desperately need, Echo. We all need to grow and grow and grow. We grow through every role we take in life. We move on. The role changes. Ultimately, we become the ones cared for, not the care takers. That our children are difficult children does not let us out of our own need to grow and mature, Echo. You are doing the best, THE BEST, possible thing you know for your son Echo, in forcing self reliance. ********************** I am sorry, so sorry this is so hard, Echo. But it is a hard thing. So...it's okay that it is a hard thing. It's okay. Okay to be tired. Okay to be discouraged. Okay to question yourself and the reactions of your family. It is okay, Echo. Life is not pretty, sometimes. And for us, that is a fact borne home again and again and again. You can do this, Echo. Echo? You can do it beautifully. You are moving through a new possible reality. You can change back to the old way anytime. Give this time a little more time, Echo. We are right here. Yep. Good, good, good for you, Echo. Let him learn to be proud of himself, for himself. And there will be no respect in it for him [I]to[/I] endure, if he does it for you, instead of for himself, Echo. Oh, no, Echo. Everything you do or choose not to do has enormous impact. With our difficult child kids, we have no way to know, while we are in it, whether what we are doing is having the effect we had hoped or not. Believe that it is, Echo. Now is the time for faith in yourself, and in your assessment of where this needs to go, next. You have patience. You have strength. You love your son. Now? You are learning to love yourself too, Echo. It feels mean. Feels wrong. In reality, the wrong thing is when we continue to love our adult children with the same passionate intensity a mother reserves for a dependent child. We need to help our adult children mature, Echo. And we need to mature, to reclaim our lives, to become ourselves again, too. We do. And something like that is just the attitude I would strive for, when next I talked to difficult child. Celebration for [I]him, [/I]that maybe he can beat this thing, after all. I am sometimes surprised to see that my "kids" are like...getting old. Somewhere in my heart? They are still toddlers or teens or young adults. For the parent of a normally adjusting child this is fine. For parents of difficult child children, that kind of imagery is a killer. For the difficult child too, I am coming to believe. Happy for you, Albi! :O) And this is so important for all of us to remember. WE GET TO TAKE TIME TO FORMULATE A RESPONSE. It is the difficult children right, responsibility, and honor to create and to manage, to live or to die to, his own life. It is his right to do with his lifetime what he will. We are the ones who get to decide our roles with wherever the child wants to take his (or her) life. That's all we get to decide. How we will respond. Yes. No one said it would be easy, Echo. It is not easy to perform actions that go against every grain of our being. But Echo? I'm so sorry, Echo...but the other way hasn't worked. You are courageous, you are staying the course. It isn't easy [I]and that is okay, Echo.[/I] I'm very proud of you. This is tough, and you are standing right up and handling it. I believe you could now qualify as a bona fide b***** on wheels, Echo. :O) I think you need to let this one play out, Echo. difficult child dad will pick up or he won't. You can only control your response. To anything in this world Echo, you can only control your own response. That is a hard one for me, too. "We aren't fighting. I am loving him into a man." I am sorry, Echo. It is a hard thing to change a pattern, to change a habit, to do things in a different way, Echo. It is a hard thing. Do it, anyway. True. And that is okay. You knew going in it was going to be hard. It is hard for a really long time. That's the thing. It is really hard for a really, really long time. And then, something bad happens. You are doing the right thing, Echo. It is a hard thing. There will come a day when you can know this and, though the sadness of it will still be the sadness of it? You will go on. You will carry it, honor the truth of it, love the bearer of it...but you will go on. All of this will become a part of who you are, nothing more. Little sadness, little grief, some days. That is what happened to me. That is the hard thing about it. For people like us, kindness is mandatory. Kindness is something we can do about the cruelty in the world. It kills us to be mean, to say no. Your son, like mine Echo, needs to become a man. Or he will be worthless to himself. Do that for him, Echo. Help him become a man. See him as a man. I had to do that, too. It was the hardest thing. Know that I am holding such a special place for you in my thoughts as you go through...everything this entails, Echo. There is no happy ending. There is deciding what the best, most high, least painful, most beneficial for all concerned thing is and then, sticking with it. But we are here, Echo. And that is something. There are moms out there going through this alone. That would be worse. I always tell that to myself when I feel overwhelmed. I could be facing this alone. And if I had been, Echo? I could never have changed. I'm so sorry, Echo. It is what it is. And that is okay. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Long, long journey to acceptance (swiped from a line by COM on another thread)
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