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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 607729" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Dancerat. Interesting story. </p><p></p><p>Has your son ever been evaluated for any conduct disorder, or any other issue?</p><p></p><p>Well, it certainly appears as if your boy has a failure to launch going on, along with some entitlement issues, but what jumps off the page for me is that he is in an abusive relationship. That level of control and raging is unhealthy at best and quite damaging. Why would someone stay in a relationship like that? That would be the question I would be asking myself.. Abuse is systematic, all connections are severed so control can be complete, this feels creepy to me.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is hard. I don't know if any of us can be "fully prepared" for our kids to live on the streets. It's horrific. This all is very new for you, there aren't really any formal guidelines for detachment like "don't text right back." That is a choice some parents make who've been enmeshed with their kids in such a way that they are always available, in particular by text or phone, so they limit their responses. We all approach this quite differently, mostly to find our own boundaries, as you are now doing, so we can find peace and joy, so we can stop enabling our kids so that they can either have a healthy, successful and independent life or at least understand that they won't and then make decisions based on that knowledge. </p><p></p><p>If your boy is not doing drugs, has no psychological disorders, has flunked out of school, can't keep a job ,has "brushes with the law," and has hooked up with the girlfriend from hell.............I don't know, it all sounds as if he is either in the throes of some disorder, or he is screaming to be independent. My experience is that when our kids reach adulthood and we continue taking care of them, we send a message that we don't believe they can make it on their own. As much as they want us to take care of them, in equal measure, they want us to stop so they can grow up. It's an odd dance of dependence versus independence..............and when they begin to feel like a victim, their anger at the person taking care of them intensifies. </p><p></p><p>I may be totally off base here and forgive me if I am.............but this sounds more like a family dynamic that has become dysfunctional for all of you, not just your son. Your other children are daughter's correct? Your son is a man. His requirement as such is to <em>act like a man,</em> which has much to do with taking action, being independent, making his own choices..........somehow he is not able to do that and it has now manifested in his girlfriend taking complete control of his life. Something is very wrong here. If I were in your shoes, I would find a therapist for your son, you and your husband and start untangling this family knot</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 607729, member: 13542"] Welcome Dancerat. Interesting story. Has your son ever been evaluated for any conduct disorder, or any other issue? Well, it certainly appears as if your boy has a failure to launch going on, along with some entitlement issues, but what jumps off the page for me is that he is in an abusive relationship. That level of control and raging is unhealthy at best and quite damaging. Why would someone stay in a relationship like that? That would be the question I would be asking myself.. Abuse is systematic, all connections are severed so control can be complete, this feels creepy to me. Detachment is hard. I don't know if any of us can be "fully prepared" for our kids to live on the streets. It's horrific. This all is very new for you, there aren't really any formal guidelines for detachment like "don't text right back." That is a choice some parents make who've been enmeshed with their kids in such a way that they are always available, in particular by text or phone, so they limit their responses. We all approach this quite differently, mostly to find our own boundaries, as you are now doing, so we can find peace and joy, so we can stop enabling our kids so that they can either have a healthy, successful and independent life or at least understand that they won't and then make decisions based on that knowledge. If your boy is not doing drugs, has no psychological disorders, has flunked out of school, can't keep a job ,has "brushes with the law," and has hooked up with the girlfriend from hell.............I don't know, it all sounds as if he is either in the throes of some disorder, or he is screaming to be independent. My experience is that when our kids reach adulthood and we continue taking care of them, we send a message that we don't believe they can make it on their own. As much as they want us to take care of them, in equal measure, they want us to stop so they can grow up. It's an odd dance of dependence versus independence..............and when they begin to feel like a victim, their anger at the person taking care of them intensifies. I may be totally off base here and forgive me if I am.............but this sounds more like a family dynamic that has become dysfunctional for all of you, not just your son. Your other children are daughter's correct? Your son is a man. His requirement as such is to [I]act like a man,[/I] which has much to do with taking action, being independent, making his own choices..........somehow he is not able to do that and it has now manifested in his girlfriend taking complete control of his life. Something is very wrong here. If I were in your shoes, I would find a therapist for your son, you and your husband and start untangling this family knot [/QUOTE]
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