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<blockquote data-quote="Dancerat" data-source="post: 607731" data-attributes="member: 14984"><p>Hi, thank you for your response. I am prepared to hear everything, so no, you are not out of order at all. My husband and I have had marital therapy about 12 years ago, and it really helped us forge a strong relationship, and gave us some good communication tools, so we are good there. I had therapy last year when difficult child was 19 and was having failure to launch, and my therapist at that time also said that being too caring can send a signal that we don't have faith or confidence in our children. That is a weird concept to me, but I guess could make sense. I know, it's very odd about the abuse. We are a very peaceful, non violent non argumentative family. We talk things to death before we would yell or scream or resort to physical violence. I can't recall ever spanking or slapping my children. But difficult child has always been respectful and has only lost his temper towards me once, even in his worst teenage years. That's why this is odd, and his other GFs have always been sweet girls. The job thing has bothered me, but he was always able to get another job right away... But it's been getting harder as he's getting older. I think I'll probably go towards the independent piece, but we've always given free reigns to our kids. There weren't curfews for our two girls, because, they've never needed them. They were self imposed, easy child. difficult child had to have curfews because otherwise he would have stayed out all night when he was in high school. He does seem to have weird sleep pattern. Up all night, sleep most of the day. After he turned 18 though, we turned him loose with no curfews.</p><p></p><p>I found a great therapist for my son last year, but he stopped going after a few visits. He started with another one a week ago, but missed his second appointment, because he overslept. If he does ask to come back home, I'll make sure that is part of the package. If he has a mental thing going on, I'm not sure what it could be. He doesn't have bipolar, or schizophrenic tendencies. Maybe a little depression, but not outward signs, except for the sleeping. I think we have a okay family dynamic. I will say, that husband is his step father, and he's never met his bio dad in person, only on the phone.</p><p></p><p>You may have something there I will mull over, which is he doesn't really have a stereotypical strong father type. husband is very caring, and scholarly, but is kind of like me in that we sort of expect our difficult child to be self regulating like his sisters, and we are constantly trying to figure out why he's not a motivated person, at least until this latest turn of events, and now we just aren't sure of what to do. I like the idea of going to an expert at parenting, and discussing this. I will ask husband tonight what he thinks about that. husband has an excellent relationship with both girls, and has tried numerous times with difficult child, but is rebuffed a lot. He never gives up though. He's very sweet that way.</p><p></p><p>In our family, women have always been taught to be independent and breadwinners. The girls were expected to work and get a degree before marriage took place, and both girls work 40 hours a week, so taking action and being independent is for everyone, not just males. I work in a male dominated industry, and have worked my whole life, so it's not that laziness isn't tolerated, it's just not expected in the family. The girls both worked since they were 16, including all through school. I'm just sort of at a loss as to how he is the way he is. He is making a choice to be in this relationship though. I think he sees himself as a knight in shining armor, trying to fix her, and showing her all the patience that he thinks will help her. He's just so young, he doesn't know that some people can't be fixed. But I can't have her in my home. If he wants to try and fix her, it will not be on my time. I've let him go as far as I can stand. </p><p></p><p>Interestingly enough, he has not texted me since he left today, so I'm sure he's figuring it out on his own. Either that, or she took his phone so he can't communicate with us.</p><p></p><p>this forum is a life saver. Thank you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Dancerat, post: 607731, member: 14984"] Hi, thank you for your response. I am prepared to hear everything, so no, you are not out of order at all. My husband and I have had marital therapy about 12 years ago, and it really helped us forge a strong relationship, and gave us some good communication tools, so we are good there. I had therapy last year when difficult child was 19 and was having failure to launch, and my therapist at that time also said that being too caring can send a signal that we don't have faith or confidence in our children. That is a weird concept to me, but I guess could make sense. I know, it's very odd about the abuse. We are a very peaceful, non violent non argumentative family. We talk things to death before we would yell or scream or resort to physical violence. I can't recall ever spanking or slapping my children. But difficult child has always been respectful and has only lost his temper towards me once, even in his worst teenage years. That's why this is odd, and his other GFs have always been sweet girls. The job thing has bothered me, but he was always able to get another job right away... But it's been getting harder as he's getting older. I think I'll probably go towards the independent piece, but we've always given free reigns to our kids. There weren't curfews for our two girls, because, they've never needed them. They were self imposed, easy child. difficult child had to have curfews because otherwise he would have stayed out all night when he was in high school. He does seem to have weird sleep pattern. Up all night, sleep most of the day. After he turned 18 though, we turned him loose with no curfews. I found a great therapist for my son last year, but he stopped going after a few visits. He started with another one a week ago, but missed his second appointment, because he overslept. If he does ask to come back home, I'll make sure that is part of the package. If he has a mental thing going on, I'm not sure what it could be. He doesn't have bipolar, or schizophrenic tendencies. Maybe a little depression, but not outward signs, except for the sleeping. I think we have a okay family dynamic. I will say, that husband is his step father, and he's never met his bio dad in person, only on the phone. You may have something there I will mull over, which is he doesn't really have a stereotypical strong father type. husband is very caring, and scholarly, but is kind of like me in that we sort of expect our difficult child to be self regulating like his sisters, and we are constantly trying to figure out why he's not a motivated person, at least until this latest turn of events, and now we just aren't sure of what to do. I like the idea of going to an expert at parenting, and discussing this. I will ask husband tonight what he thinks about that. husband has an excellent relationship with both girls, and has tried numerous times with difficult child, but is rebuffed a lot. He never gives up though. He's very sweet that way. In our family, women have always been taught to be independent and breadwinners. The girls were expected to work and get a degree before marriage took place, and both girls work 40 hours a week, so taking action and being independent is for everyone, not just males. I work in a male dominated industry, and have worked my whole life, so it's not that laziness isn't tolerated, it's just not expected in the family. The girls both worked since they were 16, including all through school. I'm just sort of at a loss as to how he is the way he is. He is making a choice to be in this relationship though. I think he sees himself as a knight in shining armor, trying to fix her, and showing her all the patience that he thinks will help her. He's just so young, he doesn't know that some people can't be fixed. But I can't have her in my home. If he wants to try and fix her, it will not be on my time. I've let him go as far as I can stand. Interestingly enough, he has not texted me since he left today, so I'm sure he's figuring it out on his own. Either that, or she took his phone so he can't communicate with us. this forum is a life saver. Thank you all. [/QUOTE]
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