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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 607738" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>As the parent of four kids, three adopted so that they are all genetically different, I can tell you that without it being your fault at all that various kids need different things from their parents. Obviously your girls had a good self-regulatory system and were able to do well without a heavy hand or structure in the house or too many rules. I actually have a child like that, however I would feel uncomfortable not giving her guidelines anyway. But that's all I really have to give her. She is seventeen and follows society's rules easily because she is a very easygoing kid, driven on her own, wanting to do well. I have an autistic son who needed strong boundaries as a child, but miraculously does not really require us to push him to do well. He is a very hard worker, proud of himself with a job well done, eager to please. And that's the key.</p><p></p><p>If you have a child who is eager to please, the child will do so. It's a snap to parent a child who is like this. I have a few kids who were and one who is still not eager to please. The one who was more concerned with her peers than what we thought got into drugs and we didn't know it. With your son's disturbed sleep pattern, I would not be surprised if you came here one day really shocked to find out that you son IS using serious drugs. I used to think, "Why does my daughter sleep all day and stay up all night?" Now she DOES have a sleeping problem. She has been drug free for years and still has insomnia. Maybe that triggered her drug use.But she did it at night, when we were asleep. Have you ever checked your son's room, facebook, cell phone messages, just to make sure he is making good choices? I think he has some red flags there. He is with his girlfriend for a reason. </p><p></p><p>I have a 35 year old son who never grew up. Now he has a job and moved to another state and was married, but he still is emotionally like a very small child and needs me in a frightening way for a man his age. I have had to pull away. None of my grown kids get money or expensive gifts from us, including him, as we want them to stand on their own and be proud of what THEY accomplish. Remember, we can not live forever. Are your son's sisters ready to forego their own children to buy cars and pay cell phone bills for their brother? Why can't he hold a job? Have any of those jobs been jobs t hat he could have supported himself on? </p><p></p><p>Children LIKE to have boundaries, even the best ones, but some can live without them. Your son was not one who could. He still can't. He is taking advantage of your generosity by refusing to grow up. You DON'T want an eternal Peter Pan who runs to daddy and mommy every time he wants to buy cigarettes (a habit, by the way, that I think it's not good to enforce...it is so incredibly unhealthy). </p><p></p><p>He will not like it if you suddenly tell him he has to grow up and take care of his own needs and you don't have to do it all at once, but my layman's advice is to wean him away from his dependence on you and stop blaming all of this on his girlfriend. He picked her for a reason and she has no power over him except the power he chooses to give to her. Perhaps, as RE said, he is used to other people making decisions for him and that won't work as he gets older. No boss wants to hire a thirty year old who thinks like a teenager. And do you really want him to be a stockboy at age thirty? Would that be in his best interests, do you think?</p><p></p><p>"Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." Even my most difficult kids are on their own and working good jobs and financially on their own. They knew they'd have to be so they are. It seems you don't like to hear that perhaps being too indulgent is not a good thing, but it's not. I know you mean well, but showering kids with material items and letting them do whatever they want is not realistic with the world at large. Nobody in the workforce is going to care that you bought your son a car or that he thinks rules don't apply to him because he never had any rules. And he has to learn to live in the real world that doesn't think our kids are as wonderful as we do.</p><p></p><p>It's hard for us, but it's sooooooooooo necessary to stop enabling our adult children or they stay children.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and I hope you can work it out. I may also add that at your son's age you can't force him i nto therapy, but I think it would be good for you and your husband to see a therapist to learn how to detach from your grown son or at least how to relate to him now that he is 20 and making poor choices. I'd also check out possible drug use. Having had a sneaky drug user, I'm not convinced your son is only smoking pot. And smoking pot every single day is not good either. It kills motivation and your son doesn't need that!!</p><p></p><p>By the way, 20 years old is not SO young. My autistic son is 20 and far more mature than your son and has to work for his things and he is eager to move out and be on his own next year. That's part of the problem. He is not a little boy. He is a man.</p><p></p><p>Be sure to check back with us <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We honestly care about you and your kids.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 607738, member: 1550"] As the parent of four kids, three adopted so that they are all genetically different, I can tell you that without it being your fault at all that various kids need different things from their parents. Obviously your girls had a good self-regulatory system and were able to do well without a heavy hand or structure in the house or too many rules. I actually have a child like that, however I would feel uncomfortable not giving her guidelines anyway. But that's all I really have to give her. She is seventeen and follows society's rules easily because she is a very easygoing kid, driven on her own, wanting to do well. I have an autistic son who needed strong boundaries as a child, but miraculously does not really require us to push him to do well. He is a very hard worker, proud of himself with a job well done, eager to please. And that's the key. If you have a child who is eager to please, the child will do so. It's a snap to parent a child who is like this. I have a few kids who were and one who is still not eager to please. The one who was more concerned with her peers than what we thought got into drugs and we didn't know it. With your son's disturbed sleep pattern, I would not be surprised if you came here one day really shocked to find out that you son IS using serious drugs. I used to think, "Why does my daughter sleep all day and stay up all night?" Now she DOES have a sleeping problem. She has been drug free for years and still has insomnia. Maybe that triggered her drug use.But she did it at night, when we were asleep. Have you ever checked your son's room, facebook, cell phone messages, just to make sure he is making good choices? I think he has some red flags there. He is with his girlfriend for a reason. I have a 35 year old son who never grew up. Now he has a job and moved to another state and was married, but he still is emotionally like a very small child and needs me in a frightening way for a man his age. I have had to pull away. None of my grown kids get money or expensive gifts from us, including him, as we want them to stand on their own and be proud of what THEY accomplish. Remember, we can not live forever. Are your son's sisters ready to forego their own children to buy cars and pay cell phone bills for their brother? Why can't he hold a job? Have any of those jobs been jobs t hat he could have supported himself on? Children LIKE to have boundaries, even the best ones, but some can live without them. Your son was not one who could. He still can't. He is taking advantage of your generosity by refusing to grow up. You DON'T want an eternal Peter Pan who runs to daddy and mommy every time he wants to buy cigarettes (a habit, by the way, that I think it's not good to enforce...it is so incredibly unhealthy). He will not like it if you suddenly tell him he has to grow up and take care of his own needs and you don't have to do it all at once, but my layman's advice is to wean him away from his dependence on you and stop blaming all of this on his girlfriend. He picked her for a reason and she has no power over him except the power he chooses to give to her. Perhaps, as RE said, he is used to other people making decisions for him and that won't work as he gets older. No boss wants to hire a thirty year old who thinks like a teenager. And do you really want him to be a stockboy at age thirty? Would that be in his best interests, do you think? "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." Even my most difficult kids are on their own and working good jobs and financially on their own. They knew they'd have to be so they are. It seems you don't like to hear that perhaps being too indulgent is not a good thing, but it's not. I know you mean well, but showering kids with material items and letting them do whatever they want is not realistic with the world at large. Nobody in the workforce is going to care that you bought your son a car or that he thinks rules don't apply to him because he never had any rules. And he has to learn to live in the real world that doesn't think our kids are as wonderful as we do. It's hard for us, but it's sooooooooooo necessary to stop enabling our adult children or they stay children. Hugs and I hope you can work it out. I may also add that at your son's age you can't force him i nto therapy, but I think it would be good for you and your husband to see a therapist to learn how to detach from your grown son or at least how to relate to him now that he is 20 and making poor choices. I'd also check out possible drug use. Having had a sneaky drug user, I'm not convinced your son is only smoking pot. And smoking pot every single day is not good either. It kills motivation and your son doesn't need that!! By the way, 20 years old is not SO young. My autistic son is 20 and far more mature than your son and has to work for his things and he is eager to move out and be on his own next year. That's part of the problem. He is not a little boy. He is a man. Be sure to check back with us :) We honestly care about you and your kids. [/QUOTE]
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