Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Long time lurker, first time poster
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 607741" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>For me it seems, that your son has two separate, but of course tangled, issues going on. Other is his failure to launch. Other is, that he is in abusive relationship. Unfortunately there is little you can do to help him with either, if he doesn't want it himself.</p><p></p><p>Kiddies are different and it seems your two oldest are high achievers and 'golden children.' It is not uncommon for younger siblings of 'golden children' to feel inferior and struggle with that (I feel lucky my 'golden child' is my youngest, I think that makes it little easier to my struggling child.) Most get over it sometime during their twenties and it is just one of those typical growing pains many have to go through.</p><p></p><p>That he has ended up to abusive relationship (and yes, he was likely partly vulnerable because of that. He wants to prove himself that he is important, and 'saving' his girlfriend gives him that feeling. And girlfriend, like most abusers, are good at taking advantage of that kind of sentiments) of course makes things more complex. It is very unlikely he can emotional continue to grow up before he gets out of abusive relationship.</p><p></p><p>You can't make him get out. He has to want it himself. Trying to separate him from girlfriend likely backfires and girlfriend is likely trying to separate your son from you, or at least from your influence, your money probably is totally okay for her. That of course doesn't mean you should let girlfriend live with you. Or let her into your house and have a shower. </p><p></p><p>If you think she will leave your kid, after you stop giving them money or place to stay, that is awesome. After that you can get to helping your son to launch. But do remember that she may well continue playing yo-yo with your boy, so letting him back home can easily bring her back, if you let that happen too early and easily.</p><p></p><p>Because of the abusive relationship aspect I would be wary to go with usual detachment route with "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You are a smart boy, I'm sure you can figure something out." After he decides to try to brake out from abusive relationship, he may need help and not be able to figure it out himself right away. I'm not sure with your system, but I have to say our DV-shelters etc. don't work so well for men who have been in abusive relationship, so often more help is needed from parents and loved ones than with female victims. Just letting him handle it on his own may not be the best option. Let him at least know, you are there for him and will help him navigate through it, when he decides enough is enough.</p><p></p><p>What you need to do now, is sit down with your husband and come up with the game plan. What are you going to do in different scenarios? Now you have little bit time to actually think things through and plan. And to get to the same page. When things happen and you get a phone call or he is at your door, it is much more difficult to think ahead. So plan now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 607741, member: 14557"] For me it seems, that your son has two separate, but of course tangled, issues going on. Other is his failure to launch. Other is, that he is in abusive relationship. Unfortunately there is little you can do to help him with either, if he doesn't want it himself. Kiddies are different and it seems your two oldest are high achievers and 'golden children.' It is not uncommon for younger siblings of 'golden children' to feel inferior and struggle with that (I feel lucky my 'golden child' is my youngest, I think that makes it little easier to my struggling child.) Most get over it sometime during their twenties and it is just one of those typical growing pains many have to go through. That he has ended up to abusive relationship (and yes, he was likely partly vulnerable because of that. He wants to prove himself that he is important, and 'saving' his girlfriend gives him that feeling. And girlfriend, like most abusers, are good at taking advantage of that kind of sentiments) of course makes things more complex. It is very unlikely he can emotional continue to grow up before he gets out of abusive relationship. You can't make him get out. He has to want it himself. Trying to separate him from girlfriend likely backfires and girlfriend is likely trying to separate your son from you, or at least from your influence, your money probably is totally okay for her. That of course doesn't mean you should let girlfriend live with you. Or let her into your house and have a shower. If you think she will leave your kid, after you stop giving them money or place to stay, that is awesome. After that you can get to helping your son to launch. But do remember that she may well continue playing yo-yo with your boy, so letting him back home can easily bring her back, if you let that happen too early and easily. Because of the abusive relationship aspect I would be wary to go with usual detachment route with "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You are a smart boy, I'm sure you can figure something out." After he decides to try to brake out from abusive relationship, he may need help and not be able to figure it out himself right away. I'm not sure with your system, but I have to say our DV-shelters etc. don't work so well for men who have been in abusive relationship, so often more help is needed from parents and loved ones than with female victims. Just letting him handle it on his own may not be the best option. Let him at least know, you are there for him and will help him navigate through it, when he decides enough is enough. What you need to do now, is sit down with your husband and come up with the game plan. What are you going to do in different scenarios? Now you have little bit time to actually think things through and plan. And to get to the same page. When things happen and you get a phone call or he is at your door, it is much more difficult to think ahead. So plan now. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Long time lurker, first time poster
Top