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Looking for connection - my heart hurts so badly... What is okay?
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 725875" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi AKAnnie and welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm so glad you found us here. You will find much needed support and wisdom on these pages.</p><p></p><p>Your story is a familiar one. Your son sounds much like my son. Read my signature.</p><p></p><p>I know how your heart is breaking, I've been there and what I can tell you is you can get through this. It's not an easy journey dealing with an adult difficult child but you are not alone, we are here for you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This speaks volumes of what kind of chaos you and your family have lived through. I'm so glad that you will not participate in him being transferred back to your home state.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is something I am very familiar with. My son has been in jail/prison several times. He is currently serving a 2 yr sentence for assault with a deadly weapon (knife). This happened in another state. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him, just as there is nothing you can do for your son. </p><p>Our difficult adult children make poor choices and there are real life consequences to those choices. Sure, we could intervene and try to make things better for them but that does not help them, it only makes us the parent feel like we have some control. We as parents have zero control over what our difficult adult children do. We do however have control over how we choose to respond.</p><p>From what you have shared it sounds like you have done all you can to try and help your son. My husband and I also went through many counselors, diversion programs, group homes, etc...... I get it.</p><p>I wish I had found this site when my son was the age your son is. I could have saved myself years of grief and guilt, not to mention then of thousands of dollars. My son is a master manipulator and was very good at getting me to feel guilty telling me that his childhood was horrible and it was my fault that his life was out of control. When we get lost in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) we are at the mercy of their demands. You are coming out of the FOG.</p><p></p><p>Be prepared for your son to reach out to you wanting you to put money on his account in jail. Be prepared for him to tell you they don't feed him enough, they don't give him soap to wash with, they don't give him shoes, etc....... I've heard many lies from son. All my son wanted was money to make his time in jail easier. It was a way for him to purchase things to use "money" in jail to get other things. I also will no longer accept calls from my son while he's in jail. The only way we communicate is through letters.</p><p></p><p></p><p>As much as this hurts, it's a very healthy thing to do. I too grieved the loss of my sweet little boy. Yes, the hopes and dreams too. </p><p>One thing that has really helped me was to see my son for who he really was, a grown man, not my sweet little boy.</p><p>I was able to finally let go. I came out of the FOG. I used to have so much fear worrying about my son being on the streets, being homeless. I felt obligated to continue to help him. The guilt fed the fear and obligation. I learned that my son was able to manage on his own without my help. I learned that my helping was actually enabling and was doing more harm than good. I let go. I learned to accept the life he chooses to live. With acceptance came a freedom and with that freedom I was able to start taking my life back.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy. We are all part of a club no one wants join. </p><p></p><p>The best thing you can do is take good care of yourself. Find little things each day that bring you joy. Make sure you are taking time just for you. It's so easy to be the caregiver for everyone else and to neglect ourselves. Even if it's only 5, 10, 15 minutes a day, take time just for you. Be good to yourself.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you.......................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 725875, member: 18516"] Hi AKAnnie and welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm so glad you found us here. You will find much needed support and wisdom on these pages. Your story is a familiar one. Your son sounds much like my son. Read my signature. I know how your heart is breaking, I've been there and what I can tell you is you can get through this. It's not an easy journey dealing with an adult difficult child but you are not alone, we are here for you. This speaks volumes of what kind of chaos you and your family have lived through. I'm so glad that you will not participate in him being transferred back to your home state. This is something I am very familiar with. My son has been in jail/prison several times. He is currently serving a 2 yr sentence for assault with a deadly weapon (knife). This happened in another state. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him, just as there is nothing you can do for your son. Our difficult adult children make poor choices and there are real life consequences to those choices. Sure, we could intervene and try to make things better for them but that does not help them, it only makes us the parent feel like we have some control. We as parents have zero control over what our difficult adult children do. We do however have control over how we choose to respond. From what you have shared it sounds like you have done all you can to try and help your son. My husband and I also went through many counselors, diversion programs, group homes, etc...... I get it. I wish I had found this site when my son was the age your son is. I could have saved myself years of grief and guilt, not to mention then of thousands of dollars. My son is a master manipulator and was very good at getting me to feel guilty telling me that his childhood was horrible and it was my fault that his life was out of control. When we get lost in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) we are at the mercy of their demands. You are coming out of the FOG. Be prepared for your son to reach out to you wanting you to put money on his account in jail. Be prepared for him to tell you they don't feed him enough, they don't give him soap to wash with, they don't give him shoes, etc....... I've heard many lies from son. All my son wanted was money to make his time in jail easier. It was a way for him to purchase things to use "money" in jail to get other things. I also will no longer accept calls from my son while he's in jail. The only way we communicate is through letters. As much as this hurts, it's a very healthy thing to do. I too grieved the loss of my sweet little boy. Yes, the hopes and dreams too. One thing that has really helped me was to see my son for who he really was, a grown man, not my sweet little boy. I was able to finally let go. I came out of the FOG. I used to have so much fear worrying about my son being on the streets, being homeless. I felt obligated to continue to help him. The guilt fed the fear and obligation. I learned that my son was able to manage on his own without my help. I learned that my helping was actually enabling and was doing more harm than good. I let go. I learned to accept the life he chooses to live. With acceptance came a freedom and with that freedom I was able to start taking my life back. None of this is easy. We are all part of a club no one wants join. The best thing you can do is take good care of yourself. Find little things each day that bring you joy. Make sure you are taking time just for you. It's so easy to be the caregiver for everyone else and to neglect ourselves. Even if it's only 5, 10, 15 minutes a day, take time just for you. Be good to yourself. ((HUGS)) to you....................... [/QUOTE]
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