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Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620870" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I would practice Radical Acceptance. I'll try to help you. You can take what you feel is relevant and throw away anything that you feel does not pertain.</p><p></p><p>1/He is my son, but he is not the person I hoped he'd turn into when I gave birth to him. But I can't change that and I can be happy with my life even if my son took a turn that I feel is morally wrong. I accept this.</p><p></p><p>2/He is probably getting a lot of his money due to drug dealing. That's why he is pretty happy, has money on him, and can afford expensive coffee and sandwiches. The money he offered is tainted since he has no job. There is no way he earned the money. I can't change it so accept this.</p><p></p><p>3/He seems just fine being homeless. Maybe he doesn't WANT a home because that means he has to give up his drug life, get a job, follow societal norms and he was not upset. I WAS UPSET, but he wasn't. He looks at the world differently than most people. I have no control over this. It is just a fact. I accept it because there is no alternative other than to angst over it and ruin my health, my own life, and my relationship with other loved ones.</p><p></p><p>4/When I encounter him, his attitudes and responses to his life will seem bizarre to me and will bring out the "I want to mother you" instincts that I have because I am a good person. But he isn't going to follow my house rules and I'm not going to get the kind of responses I want from him. Since I have no control over this, I accept it even if I don't like it.</p><p></p><p>5/Lecturing him/trying to reason with him/enabling him doesn't change him one wit. I don't like this. I want to be able to shake him silly until he gets some common sense. But I can't do that...it won't work...so I accept it.</p><p></p><p>I think that looking upon your child, trying as hard as you can to be objective and emotionless (I know it's very hard) and seeing him straight is very important. The feelings can come later, after you've assessed who your child really is. And then I think that radical acceptance/accepting the truth and going with the flow is mandatory for us to stay sane. To keep trying to change them by mushy e-mails, declarations of how we wish this and that, and buying into their manipulative Normal Rockwell family scenes (to get us to feel guilty over them) does not work. They all try it. It does not work in reality.</p><p></p><p>Don't seek him out much. That will make him think he might be able to manipulate an invite home even living the lifestyle he's living, even though he is living in a crack house with a dealer and involved in it it some way (radical acceptance). When he seeks you out, keep it surface. "How you doing?" "I knew you could make it." "How are you feeling?" Don't offer anything. The only way he may change is if he gets tired of his life of couch surfing and drugs and decides, on his own, to drop those nasty friends and get serious help and you will know when that day comes, IF that day comes (radical acceptance).</p><p></p><p>Go to Starbucks. Go to a donut shop and splurge. Take a long, hot bubblebath with scented candles. Flirt with your SO <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Maybe hide out in the bedroom for a while (too much information????). Enjoy your own life. You can control your own life. You can't control his. It is much easier to deal with grown difficult children when you accept what you can not change and deal with them accordingly. At the same time you can remind them cheerfully that you are always here if they want to go to rehab and get help...you will always be a support system if they make good choices. But don't dwell on that. And don't let that draw you into an argument with the difficult child about how horrible you are not to give him money/clothes/an i-pad/any other baloney he/she comes up with.</p><p></p><p>Have a serene, peaceful day. Readical acceptance. You may want to read the book.</p><p></p><p>You can find books on readical acceptance on Amazon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620870, member: 1550"] I would practice Radical Acceptance. I'll try to help you. You can take what you feel is relevant and throw away anything that you feel does not pertain. 1/He is my son, but he is not the person I hoped he'd turn into when I gave birth to him. But I can't change that and I can be happy with my life even if my son took a turn that I feel is morally wrong. I accept this. 2/He is probably getting a lot of his money due to drug dealing. That's why he is pretty happy, has money on him, and can afford expensive coffee and sandwiches. The money he offered is tainted since he has no job. There is no way he earned the money. I can't change it so accept this. 3/He seems just fine being homeless. Maybe he doesn't WANT a home because that means he has to give up his drug life, get a job, follow societal norms and he was not upset. I WAS UPSET, but he wasn't. He looks at the world differently than most people. I have no control over this. It is just a fact. I accept it because there is no alternative other than to angst over it and ruin my health, my own life, and my relationship with other loved ones. 4/When I encounter him, his attitudes and responses to his life will seem bizarre to me and will bring out the "I want to mother you" instincts that I have because I am a good person. But he isn't going to follow my house rules and I'm not going to get the kind of responses I want from him. Since I have no control over this, I accept it even if I don't like it. 5/Lecturing him/trying to reason with him/enabling him doesn't change him one wit. I don't like this. I want to be able to shake him silly until he gets some common sense. But I can't do that...it won't work...so I accept it. I think that looking upon your child, trying as hard as you can to be objective and emotionless (I know it's very hard) and seeing him straight is very important. The feelings can come later, after you've assessed who your child really is. And then I think that radical acceptance/accepting the truth and going with the flow is mandatory for us to stay sane. To keep trying to change them by mushy e-mails, declarations of how we wish this and that, and buying into their manipulative Normal Rockwell family scenes (to get us to feel guilty over them) does not work. They all try it. It does not work in reality. Don't seek him out much. That will make him think he might be able to manipulate an invite home even living the lifestyle he's living, even though he is living in a crack house with a dealer and involved in it it some way (radical acceptance). When he seeks you out, keep it surface. "How you doing?" "I knew you could make it." "How are you feeling?" Don't offer anything. The only way he may change is if he gets tired of his life of couch surfing and drugs and decides, on his own, to drop those nasty friends and get serious help and you will know when that day comes, IF that day comes (radical acceptance). Go to Starbucks. Go to a donut shop and splurge. Take a long, hot bubblebath with scented candles. Flirt with your SO :) Maybe hide out in the bedroom for a while (too much information????). Enjoy your own life. You can control your own life. You can't control his. It is much easier to deal with grown difficult children when you accept what you can not change and deal with them accordingly. At the same time you can remind them cheerfully that you are always here if they want to go to rehab and get help...you will always be a support system if they make good choices. But don't dwell on that. And don't let that draw you into an argument with the difficult child about how horrible you are not to give him money/clothes/an i-pad/any other baloney he/she comes up with. Have a serene, peaceful day. Readical acceptance. You may want to read the book. You can find books on readical acceptance on Amazon. [/QUOTE]
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