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Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620875" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Your difficult child is not the enemy. Your own emotions, your own fear, your own understanding that things are sliding for him ~ those things are the enemy. He loves you, Echo. He is your son, and you love him more than your own life. I hear the joy there was for you, in seeing him, in walking with him...in the scent and the sound and the whole, wonderful thing that is him.</p><p></p><p>My perception of my situation with my difficult child kids is changing, Echo. I don't know why these terrible things are happening to us, why it all has to be so stupidly, excruciatingly pain filled.</p><p></p><p>But I do know I heard the joy of him, the joy of seeing and hearing him, of the scent and the feel of him, for you.</p><p></p><p>I felt it, plain as day, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Take strength there, Echo. None of us knows what is coming next. Don't waste or limit any opportunity for joy.</p><p></p><p>Don't waste it, Echo.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't need to change a thing about the boundaries you have decided to keep your life sane. You are healthier, stronger, more able to have joy, to hold it and reach for more, since you have established these boundaries.</p><p></p><p>Nothing needs to change, Echo. You did the right things, responded correctly. Yes, it is sad that your son is as he is, right now. You already knew that, Echo. Don't let something you already knew destroy you, now. </p><p></p><p>It was never easy or right, Echo. Chances are that nothing will change any of that.</p><p></p><p>But in the interim? You have seen your son, Echo.</p><p></p><p>He loves you.</p><p></p><p>Do you know what it would mean to me to see my son like that again? Loving me like that, again?</p><p></p><p>The only boundaries you can set are your own. You do not get to tell him what to do, Echo. You did the right thing as you saw it, when you paid bail and fines. You set your boundaries and expectations, then. difficult child blew through them. </p><p></p><p>If he dies tomorrow Echo...how important will those choices that he made then be?</p><p></p><p>Your boundaries are set as they are for good reason.</p><p></p><p>But any time you see your son, any time you can touch that sweetness in him, any time you can love Echo...I think you need to do that.</p><p></p><p>Who cares if they are manipulating us...or are they? Maybe, we are manipulating them. That is all a part of why boundaries are good, and should not be changed.</p><p></p><p>Let it be, Echo.</p><p></p><p>The answer to your son's question about coming over to watch the show is: "When you have met the terms of our agreement, we will talk about that. I want you independent and strong, and I love you."</p><p></p><p>Really, what else is there to say?</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry Echo, I know you are in pain. But what I heard so much more clearly than pain or anger was...joy.</p><p></p><p>No need to change boundaries, no need to change anything at all, Echo. But when there is any smallest opportunity for joy, go after it, have it, celebrate it with everything you have.</p><p></p><p>We suspect we will lose our daughter. The old patterns are there, Echo. Should I hate that, should I rage about my rules, about the things she agreed to do?</p><p></p><p>Or Echo...should I maintain my boundaries and love her, love her so fiercely?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620875, member: 17461"] Your difficult child is not the enemy. Your own emotions, your own fear, your own understanding that things are sliding for him ~ those things are the enemy. He loves you, Echo. He is your son, and you love him more than your own life. I hear the joy there was for you, in seeing him, in walking with him...in the scent and the sound and the whole, wonderful thing that is him. My perception of my situation with my difficult child kids is changing, Echo. I don't know why these terrible things are happening to us, why it all has to be so stupidly, excruciatingly pain filled. But I do know I heard the joy of him, the joy of seeing and hearing him, of the scent and the feel of him, for you. I felt it, plain as day, Echo. Take strength there, Echo. None of us knows what is coming next. Don't waste or limit any opportunity for joy. Don't waste it, Echo. It doesn't need to change a thing about the boundaries you have decided to keep your life sane. You are healthier, stronger, more able to have joy, to hold it and reach for more, since you have established these boundaries. Nothing needs to change, Echo. You did the right things, responded correctly. Yes, it is sad that your son is as he is, right now. You already knew that, Echo. Don't let something you already knew destroy you, now. It was never easy or right, Echo. Chances are that nothing will change any of that. But in the interim? You have seen your son, Echo. He loves you. Do you know what it would mean to me to see my son like that again? Loving me like that, again? The only boundaries you can set are your own. You do not get to tell him what to do, Echo. You did the right thing as you saw it, when you paid bail and fines. You set your boundaries and expectations, then. difficult child blew through them. If he dies tomorrow Echo...how important will those choices that he made then be? Your boundaries are set as they are for good reason. But any time you see your son, any time you can touch that sweetness in him, any time you can love Echo...I think you need to do that. Who cares if they are manipulating us...or are they? Maybe, we are manipulating them. That is all a part of why boundaries are good, and should not be changed. Let it be, Echo. The answer to your son's question about coming over to watch the show is: "When you have met the terms of our agreement, we will talk about that. I want you independent and strong, and I love you." Really, what else is there to say? I'm sorry Echo, I know you are in pain. But what I heard so much more clearly than pain or anger was...joy. No need to change boundaries, no need to change anything at all, Echo. But when there is any smallest opportunity for joy, go after it, have it, celebrate it with everything you have. We suspect we will lose our daughter. The old patterns are there, Echo. Should I hate that, should I rage about my rules, about the things she agreed to do? Or Echo...should I maintain my boundaries and love her, love her so fiercely? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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