Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620893" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Echo----I so get what you are writing about right now. It's like okay, I know how to do---crazy drama and crisis. Pre-recovery, I jumped in there and handled it over and over, fixing it all for him. Now, I stay 10 feet away, even as he threatens suicide (this week via text message, I wrote about it elsewhere), when I went, spelled out what I would do next time he threatened that, and left. </p><p></p><p>But how do we do the day-to-day relationship with our difficult children who are doing what your son is doing---right here in our hometown, just up and down the street---and what mine is doing? </p><p></p><p>Can you have a relationship, really, at all? What if THIS IS IT and THIS IS HOW IT IS GOING TO BE? We love them, and we don't want to be cut off forever...blah blah blah. You and I are quite literally in the same boat and I can almost feel your brain working, parsing over these questions and others because MINE IS TOO.</p><p></p><p>Here are a few thoughts along this line:</p><p></p><p>1. Most of the time, things DON'T stay the same. There will be a break in the current action. If they are dealing drugs or taking drugs, they will be arrested, in the hospital, OD, something. It's illegal. It's them against the police, and they're going to lose every time---eventually. And they are stealing, likely, to get drugs or get food if they don't have any money or way to buy anything. Your son sounds at least a little industrious---I don't think my son is doing anything but walking around, eating the shelter foods, and doing whatever (I'm sure I don't even want to know). I don't believe he is earning any money at all.</p><p></p><p>2. Let's say they don't get arrested, hurt, dead---and this current state of affairs continues indefinitely. Let's say this does become their life for a long time---couch surfing, homeless camps, sleeping in a shelter temporarily, sleeping at a McDonald's restaurant---right here in our town, Echo. Right here in our faces.</p><p></p><p>3. I've thought about this and I believe the next step for me would be to meet him regularly at a restaurant for a 30-minute "let me have a look at you." I'll buy him lunch or an early dinner and we will lay eyes on each other for as long as (I) can stand it. It will likely be short. If he starts asking me for stuff, it will be even shorter. Will it hurt? Yes. Will I be able to stand it? I don't know. I have no idea what to even talk about. The weather? My graduate school? His grandmother's stroke? </p><p></p><p>It's like sitting and discussing the price of tomatoes when the house is burning down all around us. Just writing this sound surreal, much less sitting and actually doing it.</p><p></p><p>4. If I were you, I'd forget the agreement. It didn't happen. It's not that he's late doing it---it just didn't happen. It's moot. It's over. Yet another agreement not kept. Why do we even believe them EVER when they offer these agreements? It's just something that sounds good at the time, and maybe, they even believe they are going to do it, a little bit. I don't believe anything they say and I don't think there's a chance in heck they can sustain anything from one day to another without a LOT of rehab and then hard work over a period of time. Let's don't even accept any agreements---just cover our ears---until that happens because all it brings is more disappointment and more despair, Echo. And then we're mad and we can't just start over again with what is, today. </p><p></p><p>I don't know about you but I can't have him come over here for dinner right now like everything's normal. Oh, Hi, honey come in and let's eat. Have a seat. No you can't take a shower and wash your clothes even though they smell like cow manure. You can sit at my table and eat my spaghetti and then in an hour you'll have to walk off down the street to go who knows where. We'll eat in uncomfortable silence because nobody knows what to say. We'll talk about the food, maybe, oh this is such good garlic bread. Maybe he'll start trying to make me feel sorry for him. Maybe I'll get so sick to my stomach I can't even eat, with the sadness and pain of it all. The sheer insanity. </p><p></p><p>I don't know about you, Echo, but I'm just not there yet. I can't put MYSELF through that. It really sounds horrible to me. </p><p></p><p>So Echo, let's just work on doing this thing one day at a time or even one hour at a time. I so get your bewilderment, your confusion, your sadness and your pain. MWM talks about Radical Acceptance. I love that concept and I am working on that. But when I'm asked to practice it like "everything's normal" with difficult child sitting across the table eating spaghetti, fresh from the homeless camp down the street, I don't have what it takes to do that. Maybe I'll get there and maybe that is even a goal I need to set for myself, but I can tell you I'm sure not there right now. </p><p></p><p>Here is the bottom line question: </p><p></p><p>How do you have any kind of real relationship with an active drug addict or alcoholic who is completely counter-cultural? They have basically rejected all we stand for. Our lives are happening in different universes. </p><p></p><p>We do still have our love for each other connecting us together. But beyond that, we don't get their world, and they evidently don't get our world. It's like trying to sit and talk to someone who only speaks Swahili when I only speak English? No comprende. No connection. We can make encouraging eye contact and smile, but there is no language for this.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to be sorry I didn't do more, accept more, love more, and I know you don't either, Echo. But how in the world can we do this?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620893, member: 17542"] Hi Echo----I so get what you are writing about right now. It's like okay, I know how to do---crazy drama and crisis. Pre-recovery, I jumped in there and handled it over and over, fixing it all for him. Now, I stay 10 feet away, even as he threatens suicide (this week via text message, I wrote about it elsewhere), when I went, spelled out what I would do next time he threatened that, and left. But how do we do the day-to-day relationship with our difficult children who are doing what your son is doing---right here in our hometown, just up and down the street---and what mine is doing? Can you have a relationship, really, at all? What if THIS IS IT and THIS IS HOW IT IS GOING TO BE? We love them, and we don't want to be cut off forever...blah blah blah. You and I are quite literally in the same boat and I can almost feel your brain working, parsing over these questions and others because MINE IS TOO. Here are a few thoughts along this line: 1. Most of the time, things DON'T stay the same. There will be a break in the current action. If they are dealing drugs or taking drugs, they will be arrested, in the hospital, OD, something. It's illegal. It's them against the police, and they're going to lose every time---eventually. And they are stealing, likely, to get drugs or get food if they don't have any money or way to buy anything. Your son sounds at least a little industrious---I don't think my son is doing anything but walking around, eating the shelter foods, and doing whatever (I'm sure I don't even want to know). I don't believe he is earning any money at all. 2. Let's say they don't get arrested, hurt, dead---and this current state of affairs continues indefinitely. Let's say this does become their life for a long time---couch surfing, homeless camps, sleeping in a shelter temporarily, sleeping at a McDonald's restaurant---right here in our town, Echo. Right here in our faces. 3. I've thought about this and I believe the next step for me would be to meet him regularly at a restaurant for a 30-minute "let me have a look at you." I'll buy him lunch or an early dinner and we will lay eyes on each other for as long as (I) can stand it. It will likely be short. If he starts asking me for stuff, it will be even shorter. Will it hurt? Yes. Will I be able to stand it? I don't know. I have no idea what to even talk about. The weather? My graduate school? His grandmother's stroke? It's like sitting and discussing the price of tomatoes when the house is burning down all around us. Just writing this sound surreal, much less sitting and actually doing it. 4. If I were you, I'd forget the agreement. It didn't happen. It's not that he's late doing it---it just didn't happen. It's moot. It's over. Yet another agreement not kept. Why do we even believe them EVER when they offer these agreements? It's just something that sounds good at the time, and maybe, they even believe they are going to do it, a little bit. I don't believe anything they say and I don't think there's a chance in heck they can sustain anything from one day to another without a LOT of rehab and then hard work over a period of time. Let's don't even accept any agreements---just cover our ears---until that happens because all it brings is more disappointment and more despair, Echo. And then we're mad and we can't just start over again with what is, today. I don't know about you but I can't have him come over here for dinner right now like everything's normal. Oh, Hi, honey come in and let's eat. Have a seat. No you can't take a shower and wash your clothes even though they smell like cow manure. You can sit at my table and eat my spaghetti and then in an hour you'll have to walk off down the street to go who knows where. We'll eat in uncomfortable silence because nobody knows what to say. We'll talk about the food, maybe, oh this is such good garlic bread. Maybe he'll start trying to make me feel sorry for him. Maybe I'll get so sick to my stomach I can't even eat, with the sadness and pain of it all. The sheer insanity. I don't know about you, Echo, but I'm just not there yet. I can't put MYSELF through that. It really sounds horrible to me. So Echo, let's just work on doing this thing one day at a time or even one hour at a time. I so get your bewilderment, your confusion, your sadness and your pain. MWM talks about Radical Acceptance. I love that concept and I am working on that. But when I'm asked to practice it like "everything's normal" with difficult child sitting across the table eating spaghetti, fresh from the homeless camp down the street, I don't have what it takes to do that. Maybe I'll get there and maybe that is even a goal I need to set for myself, but I can tell you I'm sure not there right now. Here is the bottom line question: How do you have any kind of real relationship with an active drug addict or alcoholic who is completely counter-cultural? They have basically rejected all we stand for. Our lives are happening in different universes. We do still have our love for each other connecting us together. But beyond that, we don't get their world, and they evidently don't get our world. It's like trying to sit and talk to someone who only speaks Swahili when I only speak English? No comprende. No connection. We can make encouraging eye contact and smile, but there is no language for this. I don't want to be sorry I didn't do more, accept more, love more, and I know you don't either, Echo. But how in the world can we do this? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
Top