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Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 620947" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Yes, this is true. I can pretty much count on that...I think I forgot that for a moment, and started thinking how to deal with the new normal! He usually gets manic in the spring..he'll end up in jail or a psychiatric ward, or in another state a few times. In fact, were I to turn my thoughts anywhere, I should turn them to that!!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is where I am going for now. I do really really like to eat out, and my friends get tired of my few favorite spots...I can have a win win of meeting him at one of them. Once a week may be too often. Maybe just "from time to time". </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is important to me that you all understand I am not really stuck on "the agreement" which was never really an agreement, it was promises he made...they were not overtly linked to my paying his fines, they were just him voicing his plans. I didn't ever say "OK since you have promised this I will do that". Been around him too long to fall for that dance again! Somehow that last round of conversation, were he made those commitments, has become an important metaphor for me. It isn't "dude, do what you said or I won't see you" its more "dude, change your life and yourself most especially that yucky habit you have of making commitments that go unmet' or I can't deal with having you in my life. Which, I get, is totally a losing proposition. But that is why I feel myself so stuck...I am stuck THERE. I am stuck at "I can't be your mom as you are". That is not a good place to be stuck. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is the 'pretending everythign is normal' part I can't wrap my head around, even though I have been doing it for years. Pretending to be enthusiastic when he tells me for the 15th time he has a job (this can be anything from "i applied for a job" to "i'm thinking of applyin for a job" to "I applied for a job and they said they would call me" to "I have a new job but since I will cancel shifts at the last second at least twice in the first week, in a week I won't have a job anymore..." So I am sick of smiling and saying 'oh good" when he says that. It makes me ill, like I feel when I am lying to myself. And yet I don't want to say hey dummy, you've been saying these exact things for 2 1/2 years and look where you are....</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to have any conversation with him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you...you are right. I'm just not ready. I had planned a longer no contact period...I actually told myself 'till June' but when he showed up at my door I talked to him anyway...as I said in thatfirst post, I actually though 'this is where I begin to slip' </p><p></p><p>Just knowing that you know that and can name that, Recovering, is helpful.</p><p></p><p>So I am not sure what I will do.</p><p></p><p>He read my facebook message, but, as usual, did not respond.</p><p></p><p>I am tempted to invite him to lunch at a place I've been wanting to return to...I may do that and see what happens. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 620947, member: 17269"] Yes, this is true. I can pretty much count on that...I think I forgot that for a moment, and started thinking how to deal with the new normal! He usually gets manic in the spring..he'll end up in jail or a psychiatric ward, or in another state a few times. In fact, were I to turn my thoughts anywhere, I should turn them to that!! I think this is where I am going for now. I do really really like to eat out, and my friends get tired of my few favorite spots...I can have a win win of meeting him at one of them. Once a week may be too often. Maybe just "from time to time". It is important to me that you all understand I am not really stuck on "the agreement" which was never really an agreement, it was promises he made...they were not overtly linked to my paying his fines, they were just him voicing his plans. I didn't ever say "OK since you have promised this I will do that". Been around him too long to fall for that dance again! Somehow that last round of conversation, were he made those commitments, has become an important metaphor for me. It isn't "dude, do what you said or I won't see you" its more "dude, change your life and yourself most especially that yucky habit you have of making commitments that go unmet' or I can't deal with having you in my life. Which, I get, is totally a losing proposition. But that is why I feel myself so stuck...I am stuck THERE. I am stuck at "I can't be your mom as you are". That is not a good place to be stuck. It is the 'pretending everythign is normal' part I can't wrap my head around, even though I have been doing it for years. Pretending to be enthusiastic when he tells me for the 15th time he has a job (this can be anything from "i applied for a job" to "i'm thinking of applyin for a job" to "I applied for a job and they said they would call me" to "I have a new job but since I will cancel shifts at the last second at least twice in the first week, in a week I won't have a job anymore..." So I am sick of smiling and saying 'oh good" when he says that. It makes me ill, like I feel when I am lying to myself. And yet I don't want to say hey dummy, you've been saying these exact things for 2 1/2 years and look where you are.... I don't know how to have any conversation with him. Thank you...you are right. I'm just not ready. I had planned a longer no contact period...I actually told myself 'till June' but when he showed up at my door I talked to him anyway...as I said in thatfirst post, I actually though 'this is where I begin to slip' Just knowing that you know that and can name that, Recovering, is helpful. So I am not sure what I will do. He read my facebook message, but, as usual, did not respond. I am tempted to invite him to lunch at a place I've been wanting to return to...I may do that and see what happens. Echo [/QUOTE]
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