Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 621343" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Echo. I agree with Cedar. Once we pop out of our delusion, once we make the huge step of detaching from our children, we begin to see more clearly in all other areas, all other relationships begin to change because we change.</p><p></p><p>Last year, two relationships I've had for over 40 years ended. I had grown to a point where I had changed so much the common ground we used to have did not exist anymore. My major thought process at the time was that if I can detach from my daughter, if I can set boundaries with her behavior, if I can love myself enough to speak my truth and not accept being treated in ways that harm me with the person I love the most in the world, then............<em>.I can do that with <u>ANYONE</u>.</em> The stage was now set for a lot of change.</p><p></p><p>It was like I woke up and started looking at everything very differently, with my new eyes I could see a lot that was hidden from me previously because I had always simply accepted what was offered to me without question. However, once my own self love had grown and my own internal shame had healed as a result of working through my deeply rooted enabling patterns, I was unwilling to accept quite a bit. I began asking for more, for support, for help, to be seen as someone who is <em>worthy</em> of love and support in a whole different way. It really has changed my life in very significant ways.</p><p></p><p>It was across the board too. It changed my relationships at work, with my SO and my granddaughter.......... my new found honesty and ability to set boundaries, my refusal to take on other peoples "stuff," my unwillingness to enable in any way I could see, shifted all my relationships and for the better too. It was bumpy at times, because WE change and that doesn't mean those around us want to change, but change has to happen because one person is just not willing to use the old script anymore. </p><p></p><p>What has happened for me with my SO, whom is relatively new to the scene so there wasn't a whole lot of patterning going on, was that as I voiced my new concerns, as I noticed pockets that needed change, we talked about it. I was very honest. It created more intimacy, more lightness and really strengthened our connection. Simply put, I was just more REAL, my own "fixed" identity was dissolving, making me more vulnerable, less armored, more available for connection. </p><p></p><p>Change is shaky for all of us, staying the same is just not going to happen, especially as we make these massive changes with our own children..........it's going to impact the rest of our lives in ways we did not anticipate. However, we can make these changes and for those around us who are willing to grow, heal and have the willingness to risk the uncertainty and the chaos and the shifting ground we stand on we can all find a new frontier together. And, for those unwilling to change with us, unfortunately, they will either take themselves out or we will remove ourselves from those connections. As I read once, "we are constantly weeding our spiritual garden." </p><p></p><p>Like most of us here Echo, you are in the throes of a big life transition precipitated by your decision to detach from your son. It's a bumpy ride. We're all on that ride, so you're not alone...........we're here for you...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 621343, member: 13542"] Good morning Echo. I agree with Cedar. Once we pop out of our delusion, once we make the huge step of detaching from our children, we begin to see more clearly in all other areas, all other relationships begin to change because we change. Last year, two relationships I've had for over 40 years ended. I had grown to a point where I had changed so much the common ground we used to have did not exist anymore. My major thought process at the time was that if I can detach from my daughter, if I can set boundaries with her behavior, if I can love myself enough to speak my truth and not accept being treated in ways that harm me with the person I love the most in the world, then............[I].I can do that with [U]ANYONE[/U].[/I] The stage was now set for a lot of change. It was like I woke up and started looking at everything very differently, with my new eyes I could see a lot that was hidden from me previously because I had always simply accepted what was offered to me without question. However, once my own self love had grown and my own internal shame had healed as a result of working through my deeply rooted enabling patterns, I was unwilling to accept quite a bit. I began asking for more, for support, for help, to be seen as someone who is [I]worthy[/I] of love and support in a whole different way. It really has changed my life in very significant ways. It was across the board too. It changed my relationships at work, with my SO and my granddaughter.......... my new found honesty and ability to set boundaries, my refusal to take on other peoples "stuff," my unwillingness to enable in any way I could see, shifted all my relationships and for the better too. It was bumpy at times, because WE change and that doesn't mean those around us want to change, but change has to happen because one person is just not willing to use the old script anymore. What has happened for me with my SO, whom is relatively new to the scene so there wasn't a whole lot of patterning going on, was that as I voiced my new concerns, as I noticed pockets that needed change, we talked about it. I was very honest. It created more intimacy, more lightness and really strengthened our connection. Simply put, I was just more REAL, my own "fixed" identity was dissolving, making me more vulnerable, less armored, more available for connection. Change is shaky for all of us, staying the same is just not going to happen, especially as we make these massive changes with our own children..........it's going to impact the rest of our lives in ways we did not anticipate. However, we can make these changes and for those around us who are willing to grow, heal and have the willingness to risk the uncertainty and the chaos and the shifting ground we stand on we can all find a new frontier together. And, for those unwilling to change with us, unfortunately, they will either take themselves out or we will remove ourselves from those connections. As I read once, "we are constantly weeding our spiritual garden." Like most of us here Echo, you are in the throes of a big life transition precipitated by your decision to detach from your son. It's a bumpy ride. We're all on that ride, so you're not alone...........we're here for you............... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
Top