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Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 621354" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Yes, my SO also has a hero complex ( think that is what you meant). That is why I was attracted to him in the first place...some one to take care of me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is both true and untrue for me. I can't unsee what was seen but it is extraordinarily easy for me to unlearn what was learned. With my best therapist, the one who guided me through the most personal growth...I had to write things down because I would COMPLETELY FORGET THEM. IT was an extraordinary defense mechanism I had against getting out of my dysfunctional-but-safe-because-familiar place. </p><p></p><p>And yet...once I've seen, the see-ee is tarnished for good..</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is really really really good and useful to me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I need some guidance about how to access Brene Brown...I never heard of her before these pages. Where should I start?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I always feel stupid, paralyzed, and immediately start coming up with reasons that now that I have settled (so stupidly) I have to live with what I created. BEcause...what if I make the other person uncomfortable or angry? that would be wrong, right?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That may be the most powerful statement of all. I need to hold that front and center. I have done it (or am doing it) with my sweet David, my oldest son...surely that hard learned lesson must be applied all around. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I remember you writing about this. I understood both the sadness and the relief.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, Recovering, both of you are very right about how detaching from difficult child's helps us see all relationships differently. I would venture to say I have not newly engaged in a bad relationship since I started learning from difficult child...it is the old one's I have already become entrenched in that are giving me trouble...even they are better...but uprooting is hard, and letting go of people I love and who are part of the fabric of my life may be beyond me...difficult child had already separated himself from day to day...or I guess I had done that by sending him to wilderness treatment, and therapeutic boarding school...but I didn't have to remove him from my life, I had to figure out new ways of thinking and feeling about him, and reacting to him. It was much more an internal process. These other relationships will actually take action.</p><p></p><p>Hmm. Much to brood upon. Maybe Brene can help!</p><p></p><p>Hugs to both of you,</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 621354, member: 17269"] Yes, my SO also has a hero complex ( think that is what you meant). That is why I was attracted to him in the first place...some one to take care of me. That is both true and untrue for me. I can't unsee what was seen but it is extraordinarily easy for me to unlearn what was learned. With my best therapist, the one who guided me through the most personal growth...I had to write things down because I would COMPLETELY FORGET THEM. IT was an extraordinary defense mechanism I had against getting out of my dysfunctional-but-safe-because-familiar place. And yet...once I've seen, the see-ee is tarnished for good.. That is really really really good and useful to me. I need some guidance about how to access Brene Brown...I never heard of her before these pages. Where should I start? I always feel stupid, paralyzed, and immediately start coming up with reasons that now that I have settled (so stupidly) I have to live with what I created. BEcause...what if I make the other person uncomfortable or angry? that would be wrong, right? That may be the most powerful statement of all. I need to hold that front and center. I have done it (or am doing it) with my sweet David, my oldest son...surely that hard learned lesson must be applied all around. I remember you writing about this. I understood both the sadness and the relief. Cedar, Recovering, both of you are very right about how detaching from difficult child's helps us see all relationships differently. I would venture to say I have not newly engaged in a bad relationship since I started learning from difficult child...it is the old one's I have already become entrenched in that are giving me trouble...even they are better...but uprooting is hard, and letting go of people I love and who are part of the fabric of my life may be beyond me...difficult child had already separated himself from day to day...or I guess I had done that by sending him to wilderness treatment, and therapeutic boarding school...but I didn't have to remove him from my life, I had to figure out new ways of thinking and feeling about him, and reacting to him. It was much more an internal process. These other relationships will actually take action. Hmm. Much to brood upon. Maybe Brene can help! Hugs to both of you, Echo [/QUOTE]
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