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Lost in the world of ODD
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<blockquote data-quote="keista" data-source="post: 437150" data-attributes="member: 11965"><p>If she's doing better in school regarding her behavior, you could talk to them and ask them SPECIFICALLY what things they think work for her. Trying to mimic the school's structured setting might prove to be beneficial.</p><p></p><p>Your Mother's undermining could definitely have a lot to do with it. Yes, it's been 3 years since she's been gone, but if your mother was "grand-parenting" full time instead of parenting, I don't blame your daughter for wishing things were the "easy" way again (grand-parents are supposed to be able to spoil their kids - on occasion. When grand parents become primary caregivers, they lose that privilege. Sounds like your Mom never got that memo) </p><p></p><p>The hoarding indicates Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which indicates Anxiety. I am not a doctor and cannot diagnosis this but my DD1 has very similar issues - I have similar issues. Might be something you could read up on and see if it rings true for your daughter. </p><p></p><p>Mine gets overwhelmed at large multi-step tasks. When it's time to clean the room, I often have to lead her. First pick up the dirty laundry and get that out of the way. WOW looks cleaner already! Next "mark off a 2X2 foot section and just pick up what is there - garbage goes into a bag, and "good stuff" goes into another pile. Continue around the room until there is only ONE pile of "good stuff" Here's where I have to actually sit with her and discuss where each item should be put away. I SHOULD have shelves and buckets labeled, but as I mentioned I have difficulties with this as well. The bad news is that I still have to "walk her through" the steps almost all the time. The GOOD news is that one day she was feeling particularly focused, and started this procedure all on her own! No, she didn't finish the room, but did complete a sizable section of it ON HER OWN!</p><p></p><p>Sit down and really think about the process you go through when tackling a specific cleaning situation. Write down all the steps in agonizing detail. If you find that your methods seem a bit haphazard (some ppl function VERY well that way) see if you can find a way to organize them. Then walk her through, step by step. You might have to repeat HUNDREDS of times before she gets the hang of it. </p><p></p><p>As far as the room goes, It might be easier if she cleans 10 minutes EVERY evening. That way it NEVER gets out of control. When my mother in law was living with us, she supervised the nightly cleanup. Again, I TRY to do this but my own issues always get in the way. </p><p></p><p>It's also important (if you are going to try this step by step approach) to approach her very calmly and in a non-confrontational manner. "I've noticed that these tasks seem REALLY difficult for you, but they are VERY important life skills, so why don't I try to walk through it with you step by step, bit by bit?" SHE might also be sick and tired of the constant battles, but hasn't figure out yet how to express what the problem is, and be shocked and receptive to a "new approach" I've been living with chronic disorganization/hoarding for my entire life, and I STILL can't completely identify/verbalize what the real difficulty for me is. </p><p></p><p>The breaking down steps can be applied to virtually any task. You mentioned that she's never completed a task - ever. Does that include fun stuff like puzzles and board games? Craft or art projects? If so, it sounds like your daughter does have much deeper issues than just your Mother's over indulgence - didn't help, but that is probably not the cause.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="keista, post: 437150, member: 11965"] If she's doing better in school regarding her behavior, you could talk to them and ask them SPECIFICALLY what things they think work for her. Trying to mimic the school's structured setting might prove to be beneficial. Your Mother's undermining could definitely have a lot to do with it. Yes, it's been 3 years since she's been gone, but if your mother was "grand-parenting" full time instead of parenting, I don't blame your daughter for wishing things were the "easy" way again (grand-parents are supposed to be able to spoil their kids - on occasion. When grand parents become primary caregivers, they lose that privilege. Sounds like your Mom never got that memo) The hoarding indicates Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which indicates Anxiety. I am not a doctor and cannot diagnosis this but my DD1 has very similar issues - I have similar issues. Might be something you could read up on and see if it rings true for your daughter. Mine gets overwhelmed at large multi-step tasks. When it's time to clean the room, I often have to lead her. First pick up the dirty laundry and get that out of the way. WOW looks cleaner already! Next "mark off a 2X2 foot section and just pick up what is there - garbage goes into a bag, and "good stuff" goes into another pile. Continue around the room until there is only ONE pile of "good stuff" Here's where I have to actually sit with her and discuss where each item should be put away. I SHOULD have shelves and buckets labeled, but as I mentioned I have difficulties with this as well. The bad news is that I still have to "walk her through" the steps almost all the time. The GOOD news is that one day she was feeling particularly focused, and started this procedure all on her own! No, she didn't finish the room, but did complete a sizable section of it ON HER OWN! Sit down and really think about the process you go through when tackling a specific cleaning situation. Write down all the steps in agonizing detail. If you find that your methods seem a bit haphazard (some ppl function VERY well that way) see if you can find a way to organize them. Then walk her through, step by step. You might have to repeat HUNDREDS of times before she gets the hang of it. As far as the room goes, It might be easier if she cleans 10 minutes EVERY evening. That way it NEVER gets out of control. When my mother in law was living with us, she supervised the nightly cleanup. Again, I TRY to do this but my own issues always get in the way. It's also important (if you are going to try this step by step approach) to approach her very calmly and in a non-confrontational manner. "I've noticed that these tasks seem REALLY difficult for you, but they are VERY important life skills, so why don't I try to walk through it with you step by step, bit by bit?" SHE might also be sick and tired of the constant battles, but hasn't figure out yet how to express what the problem is, and be shocked and receptive to a "new approach" I've been living with chronic disorganization/hoarding for my entire life, and I STILL can't completely identify/verbalize what the real difficulty for me is. The breaking down steps can be applied to virtually any task. You mentioned that she's never completed a task - ever. Does that include fun stuff like puzzles and board games? Craft or art projects? If so, it sounds like your daughter does have much deeper issues than just your Mother's over indulgence - didn't help, but that is probably not the cause. [/QUOTE]
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