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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 372858"><p>I think it is a matter of first making sure you take care of you. Then I think it is figuring out what you are willing to do for her and what you are not willing to do for her and then making those boundaries very clear.</p><p> </p><p>So from you post sounds like you would like to see her, give her a hug, let her cry on your shoulder. That is a loving mommy thing to do and in my opinion does not enable her to do her bad behavior. It shows her you are there and you love her.</p><p> </p><p>It also sounds like you are very clear she can not live with you so you need to continue to be clear on that. Maybe it would be easier and clearer to meet her somewhere for dinner rather than have her come home for dinner....</p><p> </p><p>We are in a similar place with our son. I did take him shopping for some new clothes. We bought him dinner that night. We have told him we will make him a plane reservation to go back to his TBS for some help. We have driven him to court. We are telling him we love him, and we are trying to let him know we are still here to support him.</p><p> </p><p>We have not invited him to the house. We have not lifted the no tresspass order. We have not bailed him out or paid for a lawyer. He is not coming on vacation with us. I did not go rescue him when he called me in tears one night after being beat up by a neighbor. He did not ask me to do that but I was sorely tempted.</p><p> </p><p>It is a balancing act for sure. I found some good stuff on the internet which I don't remember where... but look up detaching with love and you should find it.</p><p> </p><p>To me though it means taking care of yourself, doing what feels right to you to do as a parent and not doing those things that feel like you are being taken advantage of or used.</p><p> </p><p>I don't think it means we have to reject or stop loving our kids.... it means we have to stop helping them to continue to do their bad behavior.</p><p> </p><p>Hope this helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 372858"] I think it is a matter of first making sure you take care of you. Then I think it is figuring out what you are willing to do for her and what you are not willing to do for her and then making those boundaries very clear. So from you post sounds like you would like to see her, give her a hug, let her cry on your shoulder. That is a loving mommy thing to do and in my opinion does not enable her to do her bad behavior. It shows her you are there and you love her. It also sounds like you are very clear she can not live with you so you need to continue to be clear on that. Maybe it would be easier and clearer to meet her somewhere for dinner rather than have her come home for dinner.... We are in a similar place with our son. I did take him shopping for some new clothes. We bought him dinner that night. We have told him we will make him a plane reservation to go back to his TBS for some help. We have driven him to court. We are telling him we love him, and we are trying to let him know we are still here to support him. We have not invited him to the house. We have not lifted the no tresspass order. We have not bailed him out or paid for a lawyer. He is not coming on vacation with us. I did not go rescue him when he called me in tears one night after being beat up by a neighbor. He did not ask me to do that but I was sorely tempted. It is a balancing act for sure. I found some good stuff on the internet which I don't remember where... but look up detaching with love and you should find it. To me though it means taking care of yourself, doing what feels right to you to do as a parent and not doing those things that feel like you are being taken advantage of or used. I don't think it means we have to reject or stop loving our kids.... it means we have to stop helping them to continue to do their bad behavior. Hope this helps. [/QUOTE]
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