Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Loving Detachment
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 372907" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Denita, it makes total sense. To me, and probably to most of the other parents here. Thing is, it might not make sense to your difficult child.</p><p></p><p>When our difficult children start to do better and we notice improvements, it is so tempting to lighten up, open the door a little bit, bend some of the rules etc. to show them that they are slowly starting to regain our trust and we feel comfortable moving some of the boundaries. And that's when it all goes straight into the dumper.</p><p></p><p>I know this is true of my difficult child, and others have said similar things about theirs. Mine must have clear, absolute, unchanging rules. If I say, "I will never drive you anywhere again." Then I must never do so. Ever. If I break my own rule, even once, then that puts difficult child's whole understanding of all rules in question. He feels the need to test all of them. And his testing of limits and boundaries is NOT PRETTY. So he behaves terribly, and things go back into lockdown mode. I've realized over the years that this makes him feel secure. The rules are strict, unchanging and consistent. There's no wiggle room, so there's no room for him to make bad choices. That's really the only way he can function successfully -- if the day-to-day decisions are taken out of his hands. </p><p></p><p>Part of taking decisions out of his hands means that I have to be 100% clear and 100% consistent. It's really hard and goes against our nature, because we want to support them for doing well, offer a reward for good behaviour, etc. But it just doesn't help them or the situation.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 372907, member: 3907"] Denita, it makes total sense. To me, and probably to most of the other parents here. Thing is, it might not make sense to your difficult child. When our difficult children start to do better and we notice improvements, it is so tempting to lighten up, open the door a little bit, bend some of the rules etc. to show them that they are slowly starting to regain our trust and we feel comfortable moving some of the boundaries. And that's when it all goes straight into the dumper. I know this is true of my difficult child, and others have said similar things about theirs. Mine must have clear, absolute, unchanging rules. If I say, "I will never drive you anywhere again." Then I must never do so. Ever. If I break my own rule, even once, then that puts difficult child's whole understanding of all rules in question. He feels the need to test all of them. And his testing of limits and boundaries is NOT PRETTY. So he behaves terribly, and things go back into lockdown mode. I've realized over the years that this makes him feel secure. The rules are strict, unchanging and consistent. There's no wiggle room, so there's no room for him to make bad choices. That's really the only way he can function successfully -- if the day-to-day decisions are taken out of his hands. Part of taking decisions out of his hands means that I have to be 100% clear and 100% consistent. It's really hard and goes against our nature, because we want to support them for doing well, offer a reward for good behaviour, etc. But it just doesn't help them or the situation. Trinity [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Loving Detachment
Top