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Made it through the holidays anyway!
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675816" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>ST we are most of us in some version of your situation. </p><p></p><p>I am learning to set limits for my son. If in a phone call he goes on and on about something that hurts me or I feel hurts him, I tell him I do not want to hear it. I tell him in each subsequent conversation until he gets it. I cut the calls short if he does not hear my request and talks excessively about something that troubles me.</p><p></p><p>I tell him briefly why I have set the limit. Something like: "It hurts me to hear that...when there are solutions. If you want to talk about solutions, I will talk about it. But it hurts me to hear you suffer unnecessarily."</p><p></p><p>I will also not hear him out about his conspiracy theories. </p><p></p><p>In the recent calls he has not spoken about his conspiracy theories and he has shown some perspective about one of his issues. He spoke with humor about it, which is a way of gaining distance. The first step to mastery.</p><p></p><p>I believe we do not help them by indulging them. </p><p></p><p>A couple of things in my house turned up missing. Things he had asked me if he could have, and I said no. I am thinking about, when he next asks to come home for a visit, telling him no and specifically citing that things have disappeared. And because of all of the things that have happened while he was here, I do not want him to come home until there is the sense that there is respect. For me and for my home. </p><p></p><p>How could I have not realized this? To allow my son to mistreat me, even if it is part of his mental illness, is never the right thing. He has to learn, like everybody else to control himself in the ways that he affects or acts on other people. I am another person. I owe him, and myself, to tell him the truth. To insist upon a limit.</p><p></p><p>I think that we have so much trouble, continue to have so much trouble, because we thing some of what they go through is our fault. </p><p></p><p>They are the ones that have to work their lives out. Not us. </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675816, member: 18958"] ST we are most of us in some version of your situation. I am learning to set limits for my son. If in a phone call he goes on and on about something that hurts me or I feel hurts him, I tell him I do not want to hear it. I tell him in each subsequent conversation until he gets it. I cut the calls short if he does not hear my request and talks excessively about something that troubles me. I tell him briefly why I have set the limit. Something like: "It hurts me to hear that...when there are solutions. If you want to talk about solutions, I will talk about it. But it hurts me to hear you suffer unnecessarily." I will also not hear him out about his conspiracy theories. In the recent calls he has not spoken about his conspiracy theories and he has shown some perspective about one of his issues. He spoke with humor about it, which is a way of gaining distance. The first step to mastery. I believe we do not help them by indulging them. A couple of things in my house turned up missing. Things he had asked me if he could have, and I said no. I am thinking about, when he next asks to come home for a visit, telling him no and specifically citing that things have disappeared. And because of all of the things that have happened while he was here, I do not want him to come home until there is the sense that there is respect. For me and for my home. How could I have not realized this? To allow my son to mistreat me, even if it is part of his mental illness, is never the right thing. He has to learn, like everybody else to control himself in the ways that he affects or acts on other people. I am another person. I owe him, and myself, to tell him the truth. To insist upon a limit. I think that we have so much trouble, continue to have so much trouble, because we thing some of what they go through is our fault. They are the ones that have to work their lives out. Not us. COPA [/QUOTE]
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