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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622219" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>We learned last night that the male who beat difficult child has been released to a 30 day lock down treatment facility and a one year half-way house after that. This was done on tribal authority. The tribal court was held, the decision made, and the male transported, all in the same day.</p><p></p><p>This was altogether unexpected. </p><p></p><p>I don't know why I am posting, really. Fear is part of this. He has tried to kill her, before. Has some grand vision of killing her and then, himself. He thinks she is waiting for him now because, once she understood that he had been released, that is what she felt safe telling him. She still has no access to the trauma of the beating. Little things will set off flashbacks. Mostly, everything is sealed away. Last week it was recommended that she be hospitalized until they can figure out what is happening with her liver and the possible CSF drip. (Which isn't as big a deal as the liver, but which should have healed on its own by now.) She left AMA because her daughter cannot stay at the Women's Shelter without her. There are some physical deficits, she has no short term memory, and she is in continual pain.</p><p></p><p>The guilt I feel at what happened to difficult child feels like a live thing. I have been able to understand that, given that this did happen and cannot be undone, difficult child is in the best possible environment for support and healing. </p><p></p><p>But....</p><p></p><p>The beating never would have happened had I insisted (to husband) on difficult child and granddaughter coming south with us last Fall. These are the things I think about when I post that our decisions to detach and reclaim our lives have real life consequences. That difficult child went through what she did. That she will have permanent deficits as a result<u>.</u></p><p><u></u></p><p><u>That I could have prevented it.</u></p><p></p><p>That's the core of it.</p><p></p><p>That difficult child would never have chosen to go back to that male had there been a clear, unconflicted welcome here for difficult child and her child.</p><p></p><p>Though we are not addressing it, husband and I are each harboring a core amount of resentment and rage. husband because I think like this. Me, because husband's first response is resentment, is protection of his own life <em>when my child has been hurt, and is again in danger.</em></p><p></p><p>I feel such panic, such anger. Frustration and resentment of difficult child, God forgive me, for the situation. I understand I need to detach from these emotions. Feeling them is overwhelming. I do know how to do that. I will do that.</p><p></p><p>I just need you guys to know.</p><p></p><p>Guilt for my behavior last time, when I wanted not to be bothered with a 39 year old daughter and a fourteen year old granddaughter.</p><p></p><p>In my heart? Though I said it was for difficult child's own good? I did not want my life to change for her sake.</p><p></p><p>Oh boy, if I could go back to that decision time, again.</p><p></p><p>That would have had its consequences, too.</p><p></p><p>I don't like husband that much, anyway. Not when it comes to this. Except I do, and it's all so confusing. Really, I am angry with difficult child too. But she is the one who got hurt, who paid the price....</p><p></p><p>FOG.</p><p></p><p>And now, we are in that same place again. Making those same kinds of choices. Only this time, we know more about the cost of those kinds of decisions.</p><p></p><p>It feels like I could manage the emotions and remain detached, just letting the situation unfold. Then, I put myself in difficult child's position. What that must feel like, to know such fear, and to know you have nowhere to go. </p><p></p><p>To know there is no one in all the world who cares about you enough to help you, who cares enough about you to risk changing the easy rhythms of life.</p><p></p><p>(!)</p><p></p><p>That, right there, is the core of the resentment I feel for husband.</p><p></p><p>Right exactly there.</p><p></p><p>Interesting to note that the intensity of what I feel, which feels more like contempt than resentment...feels like my mother.</p><p></p><p>Oh, great!</p><p></p><p>::::::::::::::::</p><p></p><p>Okay. So those feelings are useless, then.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>They feel so real....</p><p></p><p>Rereading this prior to posting, I realized I took the storyline away when I recognized the taste of the emotional components behind that blinding rage I am trying not to feel at husband.</p><p></p><p>::::::::::::::::::::::::</p><p></p><p>I understand she is in a shelter. I am able to get it, that this is where people specialize in knowing how to help women who have been beaten as difficult child has. I get it that funding for her is most available where she is and in her current situation.</p><p></p><p>I can't stay present at the thought of difficult child being beat like that, again ~ the horror I feel at the thought of it, the rabid response it calls in me, is unimaginable. </p><p></p><p>But here it is.</p><p></p><p>And I will have to deal with it, because it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>We have a small grace period. The situation may still resolve successfully. Initially, relocation was considered. There seemed to be no immediate need as the male was incarcerated and was not expected to be released. In my calmer moments, I remember that.</p><p></p><p>I feel cherished, supported, understood, and upheld, knowing you all will be reading and replying. Being alone with it is the worst thing. (As, my brain just reminded me, slipping into the FOG for a sec, difficult child is alone, now.)</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622219, member: 17461"] We learned last night that the male who beat difficult child has been released to a 30 day lock down treatment facility and a one year half-way house after that. This was done on tribal authority. The tribal court was held, the decision made, and the male transported, all in the same day. This was altogether unexpected. I don't know why I am posting, really. Fear is part of this. He has tried to kill her, before. Has some grand vision of killing her and then, himself. He thinks she is waiting for him now because, once she understood that he had been released, that is what she felt safe telling him. She still has no access to the trauma of the beating. Little things will set off flashbacks. Mostly, everything is sealed away. Last week it was recommended that she be hospitalized until they can figure out what is happening with her liver and the possible CSF drip. (Which isn't as big a deal as the liver, but which should have healed on its own by now.) She left AMA because her daughter cannot stay at the Women's Shelter without her. There are some physical deficits, she has no short term memory, and she is in continual pain. The guilt I feel at what happened to difficult child feels like a live thing. I have been able to understand that, given that this did happen and cannot be undone, difficult child is in the best possible environment for support and healing. But.... The beating never would have happened had I insisted (to husband) on difficult child and granddaughter coming south with us last Fall. These are the things I think about when I post that our decisions to detach and reclaim our lives have real life consequences. That difficult child went through what she did. That she will have permanent deficits as a result[U]. That I could have prevented it.[/U] That's the core of it. That difficult child would never have chosen to go back to that male had there been a clear, unconflicted welcome here for difficult child and her child. Though we are not addressing it, husband and I are each harboring a core amount of resentment and rage. husband because I think like this. Me, because husband's first response is resentment, is protection of his own life [I]when my child has been hurt, and is again in danger.[/I] I feel such panic, such anger. Frustration and resentment of difficult child, God forgive me, for the situation. I understand I need to detach from these emotions. Feeling them is overwhelming. I do know how to do that. I will do that. I just need you guys to know. Guilt for my behavior last time, when I wanted not to be bothered with a 39 year old daughter and a fourteen year old granddaughter. In my heart? Though I said it was for difficult child's own good? I did not want my life to change for her sake. Oh boy, if I could go back to that decision time, again. That would have had its consequences, too. I don't like husband that much, anyway. Not when it comes to this. Except I do, and it's all so confusing. Really, I am angry with difficult child too. But she is the one who got hurt, who paid the price.... FOG. And now, we are in that same place again. Making those same kinds of choices. Only this time, we know more about the cost of those kinds of decisions. It feels like I could manage the emotions and remain detached, just letting the situation unfold. Then, I put myself in difficult child's position. What that must feel like, to know such fear, and to know you have nowhere to go. To know there is no one in all the world who cares about you enough to help you, who cares enough about you to risk changing the easy rhythms of life. (!) That, right there, is the core of the resentment I feel for husband. Right exactly there. Interesting to note that the intensity of what I feel, which feels more like contempt than resentment...feels like my mother. Oh, great! :::::::::::::::: Okay. So those feelings are useless, then. Huh. They feel so real.... Rereading this prior to posting, I realized I took the storyline away when I recognized the taste of the emotional components behind that blinding rage I am trying not to feel at husband. :::::::::::::::::::::::: I understand she is in a shelter. I am able to get it, that this is where people specialize in knowing how to help women who have been beaten as difficult child has. I get it that funding for her is most available where she is and in her current situation. I can't stay present at the thought of difficult child being beat like that, again ~ the horror I feel at the thought of it, the rabid response it calls in me, is unimaginable. But here it is. And I will have to deal with it, because it is what it is. We have a small grace period. The situation may still resolve successfully. Initially, relocation was considered. There seemed to be no immediate need as the male was incarcerated and was not expected to be released. In my calmer moments, I remember that. I feel cherished, supported, understood, and upheld, knowing you all will be reading and replying. Being alone with it is the worst thing. (As, my brain just reminded me, slipping into the FOG for a sec, difficult child is alone, now.) Ew. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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