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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622224" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Cedar. I am so glad you have posted---what trust you have to post exactly what you are thinking and feeling and what humanity there is in that.</p><p></p><p>First, I am so sorry that your daughter was ever hurt by this man. I know that happened before I came to this board and I don't know the details, but there is never a reason for anything like that and I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>And Second, sit with this, Cedar. These initial feelings are going to pass (again) and all that you have learned is going to start flooding in. </p><p></p><p>I can imagine your fear that he is getting out. I can see that would lead to all you have written here, your feelings and reliving all of it. That is what I see in your post, reliving the past horrors. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh Cedar. You are focusing on one moment in time and the fact that you were not there to stand between him and her and somehow protect her. That is what I believe you really mean here. Because...instead of this one moment in time, we could also go to to the day she met him and say, well, if they had never met. Etc. Etc. Etc. So many little decisions that lead us right where we are, to today. If only. If only. If only we could turn back time. </p><p></p><p>But as I am often reminded, I believe this to be true: Wow, you must be the most powerful person in the world, if by your actions or inactions, you cause things to happen to other people. Every time I am reminded about this fact, it hits me full on and I get it. It brings me right back. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, unless you performed the violence yourself, how in the world can you be responsible? I don't see it at all in any way.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And thus, how could you have prevented it? Your 39-year-old daughter has made many decisions in her life that landed her right where she is today. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I don't mean for it to. I would never want her or you or anybody to be hurt like I understand that she was. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, you are such a giving person and so full of welcome. But remember, you got<strong><u> here </u></strong>with difficult child one minute, one day, one month and one year at a time. Inch by Inch of hard-won ground, Cedar. This---not allowing her in your home---did not come easily at all by any stretch. It did not, Cedar. It came when you learned you could not live with that, and Cedar, you cannot save your adult daughter from any of it (as you know and as I am just reminding you here).</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh husband, I am sorry for his response, right now, but I understand it. He likely can't go back there, Cedar, as you cannot. If we surrender the hard-fought ground we have won, then how does that help anybody or anything? Then we are all a complete mess. We are all crazy again. We all all miserable again. And IT. DOES. NO. GOOD. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"Bothered"? What????? I cannot and do not think that was the case at all. Your love for her would be all-encompassing and welcoming if there were anything to be gained for her---and for you---by your sheltering and protecting and taking care of and enabling (yes, that too), Cedar. You are thinking old thoughts here, I fear. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Because YOU and your life and your serenity and your peace are just as important as HERS, Cedar. It is not about her only---it is about the both of you. We can only do what we can do. And when we learn something new, then we must do something new. </p><p></p><p>Living with our unrecovered or untreated difficult children is like living in the pit of hell. They are much better not to be with us---those whose buttons they know how to push so very well---and we with them. It is not a healthy dance that the two of us dance Cedar. It is better for them to dance with almost anybody else than us. I believe that. I am not good for my difficult child right now and he is not good for me. We can't live in the same house. And we should not, as we are both adults and we have to make our own way, each of us. The birds out of the bird nest. The cat with the kittens. It is the natural order of things. If we don't define this, we are crippling them. We are truly doing greater harm. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There IS someone in the world that cares that much and that is your difficult child's parents---you and husband---<u><strong>and when she can turn, and walk in a new direction</strong></u>, there is no one like you two who would be there, Cedar. You would come alongside her. You would support her hard walk of change in tangible ways. Cedar, your signature says she continues to get into abusive relationships. That is a choice she makes, isn't it Cedar? That would never be your choice for her, and you cannot live with that type of decision-making under your roof every single day, nor should you.</p><p></p><p>I know I am stating the obvious facts, and facts will come later for you. I am stating them for you and for me, Cedar. I sat and imagined for a few minutes how I would feel if my precious son were beaten today on the streets of my town.</p><p></p><p>I can only imagine the Mother Rage that would roar through every cell of my being. I would want to kill that person with my bare hands and after that, after all of it, I would start retracing my steps to find the million ways I can blame myself for not protecting him. And I would come up with a lot of ways. </p><p></p><p>But today, in the clear light of reality, I know, I know, I know that I cannot protect anybody from anything. I didn't stop my sister from dying, I didn't stop my mother from having a stroke, I didn't stop my marriage from disintegrating, and I didn't stop my son from becoming a drug addict. I wish I could have, so much. </p><p></p><p>We are not given that kind of power, Cedar, by God. He only has that kind of power and he has decided not to give it to each one of us. We have to somehow live with the helpless pain, grief and despair of loss and hurt. It would be better, we believe, if it was US that was hurt, and not THEM, the ones we love so much. Somehow, we could handle that better. </p><p></p><p>I am glad you posted. Please sit with this, be extra kind to yourself today and in the next days ahead, wait, pray and meditate on this, Cedar. You are good. You have done all you or anybody could do. I am praying for you and for husband and for your precious difficult child and for her daughter.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622224, member: 17542"] Oh Cedar. I am so glad you have posted---what trust you have to post exactly what you are thinking and feeling and what humanity there is in that. First, I am so sorry that your daughter was ever hurt by this man. I know that happened before I came to this board and I don't know the details, but there is never a reason for anything like that and I am so sorry. And Second, sit with this, Cedar. These initial feelings are going to pass (again) and all that you have learned is going to start flooding in. I can imagine your fear that he is getting out. I can see that would lead to all you have written here, your feelings and reliving all of it. That is what I see in your post, reliving the past horrors. Oh Cedar. You are focusing on one moment in time and the fact that you were not there to stand between him and her and somehow protect her. That is what I believe you really mean here. Because...instead of this one moment in time, we could also go to to the day she met him and say, well, if they had never met. Etc. Etc. Etc. So many little decisions that lead us right where we are, to today. If only. If only. If only we could turn back time. But as I am often reminded, I believe this to be true: Wow, you must be the most powerful person in the world, if by your actions or inactions, you cause things to happen to other people. Every time I am reminded about this fact, it hits me full on and I get it. It brings me right back. Cedar, unless you performed the violence yourself, how in the world can you be responsible? I don't see it at all in any way. And thus, how could you have prevented it? Your 39-year-old daughter has made many decisions in her life that landed her right where she is today. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I don't mean for it to. I would never want her or you or anybody to be hurt like I understand that she was. Cedar, you are such a giving person and so full of welcome. But remember, you got[B][U] here [/U][/B]with difficult child one minute, one day, one month and one year at a time. Inch by Inch of hard-won ground, Cedar. This---not allowing her in your home---did not come easily at all by any stretch. It did not, Cedar. It came when you learned you could not live with that, and Cedar, you cannot save your adult daughter from any of it (as you know and as I am just reminding you here). Oh husband, I am sorry for his response, right now, but I understand it. He likely can't go back there, Cedar, as you cannot. If we surrender the hard-fought ground we have won, then how does that help anybody or anything? Then we are all a complete mess. We are all crazy again. We all all miserable again. And IT. DOES. NO. GOOD. "Bothered"? What????? I cannot and do not think that was the case at all. Your love for her would be all-encompassing and welcoming if there were anything to be gained for her---and for you---by your sheltering and protecting and taking care of and enabling (yes, that too), Cedar. You are thinking old thoughts here, I fear. Because YOU and your life and your serenity and your peace are just as important as HERS, Cedar. It is not about her only---it is about the both of you. We can only do what we can do. And when we learn something new, then we must do something new. Living with our unrecovered or untreated difficult children is like living in the pit of hell. They are much better not to be with us---those whose buttons they know how to push so very well---and we with them. It is not a healthy dance that the two of us dance Cedar. It is better for them to dance with almost anybody else than us. I believe that. I am not good for my difficult child right now and he is not good for me. We can't live in the same house. And we should not, as we are both adults and we have to make our own way, each of us. The birds out of the bird nest. The cat with the kittens. It is the natural order of things. If we don't define this, we are crippling them. We are truly doing greater harm. There IS someone in the world that cares that much and that is your difficult child's parents---you and husband---[U][B]and when she can turn, and walk in a new direction[/B][/U], there is no one like you two who would be there, Cedar. You would come alongside her. You would support her hard walk of change in tangible ways. Cedar, your signature says she continues to get into abusive relationships. That is a choice she makes, isn't it Cedar? That would never be your choice for her, and you cannot live with that type of decision-making under your roof every single day, nor should you. I know I am stating the obvious facts, and facts will come later for you. I am stating them for you and for me, Cedar. I sat and imagined for a few minutes how I would feel if my precious son were beaten today on the streets of my town. I can only imagine the Mother Rage that would roar through every cell of my being. I would want to kill that person with my bare hands and after that, after all of it, I would start retracing my steps to find the million ways I can blame myself for not protecting him. And I would come up with a lot of ways. But today, in the clear light of reality, I know, I know, I know that I cannot protect anybody from anything. I didn't stop my sister from dying, I didn't stop my mother from having a stroke, I didn't stop my marriage from disintegrating, and I didn't stop my son from becoming a drug addict. I wish I could have, so much. We are not given that kind of power, Cedar, by God. He only has that kind of power and he has decided not to give it to each one of us. We have to somehow live with the helpless pain, grief and despair of loss and hurt. It would be better, we believe, if it was US that was hurt, and not THEM, the ones we love so much. Somehow, we could handle that better. I am glad you posted. Please sit with this, be extra kind to yourself today and in the next days ahead, wait, pray and meditate on this, Cedar. You are good. You have done all you or anybody could do. I am praying for you and for husband and for your precious difficult child and for her daughter. [/QUOTE]
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