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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 622349" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Cedar, I'm sorry I think I didn't get my thoughts cross clearly. I feel need to add, that my intention was not in any way criticize your earlier or current decisions with this. There is no way I could do that. First I certainly don't have an information of your situation to make any kind of an assessment. Second I see into the future and what ifs just as much as the next person, which is nil. Third there simply isn't any way of knowing if the different choice had made any difference or if it had changed things to worse. And fourth, and most importantly, I certainly don't have any leg to stand on critisizing other peoples choices. I have my own hefty share of guilt in my back bag from my choices. And neither am I particularly wise or profound person.</p><p></p><p>However, I was talking more about feelings of guilt, not the actions. In fact I do believe that actions and choices based mainly on guilt have higher than average probability to turn bad. I was talking more about how we think, our self-talk, not what we should or should not do with or for our children or any other person. </p><p></p><p>I believe, that if person rationalizes, talks themselves out from the guilt, they will be able to suppress the guilt, but often shame takes that place somewhere deep in our hearts. And whilde guilt can lead to something positive and is something we humans need to feel, shame tends to poison everything it touches. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I read that thread. very poignant and very good metaphor for sometimes needing to get our children that kick that forces them to fly, if they don't have a drive on themselves.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These would be choices made based on guilt or maybe other feelings. We again would not know how they would turn out. But it is very true, that we can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. And at times only thing we can even try to do, is save our selves.</p><p></p><p>My troubled kid is indeed still young, even young for his chronological age both biologically and even more emotionally and socially. He is still very much in process of growing up and needs more hands on parenting than more adult children. And our sacrifices for his treatment and so on have been very modest. I think it is enough to say, that there were years we put more money in his sport hobby than what we are now putting into his therapy etc. costs. But even these choices - when we make them with husband, we purposefully try to leave our guilt out of that decision making process and go for what would give him best opportunities and what is doable for us. Till now, I can't say we would had scarified anything to make those efforts to help him (now that he is an adult, as a child it was a different story) and if there will be a day, we actually have to sacrifice something worthwhile, we have to cross those bridges then.</p><p></p><p>But all that was not really what I tried to say. I wasn't trying to comment how I think you should act making your new choices (and again, I absolutely have no competence to have an opinion of that), I was talking about being careful with our own self talk and trying to get rid of guilty feelings in that. And in the end that has very little to do with our children per se, even very simply telling them, that we now hindsight feel bad we didn't try to do another choice and maybe things would have turned differently and that we feel very bad for what happened, may be plenty to their direction. But accepting guilt and dealing and living with it inside of us, is what I was trying to comment on.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 622349, member: 14557"] Cedar, I'm sorry I think I didn't get my thoughts cross clearly. I feel need to add, that my intention was not in any way criticize your earlier or current decisions with this. There is no way I could do that. First I certainly don't have an information of your situation to make any kind of an assessment. Second I see into the future and what ifs just as much as the next person, which is nil. Third there simply isn't any way of knowing if the different choice had made any difference or if it had changed things to worse. And fourth, and most importantly, I certainly don't have any leg to stand on critisizing other peoples choices. I have my own hefty share of guilt in my back bag from my choices. And neither am I particularly wise or profound person. However, I was talking more about feelings of guilt, not the actions. In fact I do believe that actions and choices based mainly on guilt have higher than average probability to turn bad. I was talking more about how we think, our self-talk, not what we should or should not do with or for our children or any other person. I believe, that if person rationalizes, talks themselves out from the guilt, they will be able to suppress the guilt, but often shame takes that place somewhere deep in our hearts. And whilde guilt can lead to something positive and is something we humans need to feel, shame tends to poison everything it touches. Yes, I read that thread. very poignant and very good metaphor for sometimes needing to get our children that kick that forces them to fly, if they don't have a drive on themselves. These would be choices made based on guilt or maybe other feelings. We again would not know how they would turn out. But it is very true, that we can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. And at times only thing we can even try to do, is save our selves. My troubled kid is indeed still young, even young for his chronological age both biologically and even more emotionally and socially. He is still very much in process of growing up and needs more hands on parenting than more adult children. And our sacrifices for his treatment and so on have been very modest. I think it is enough to say, that there were years we put more money in his sport hobby than what we are now putting into his therapy etc. costs. But even these choices - when we make them with husband, we purposefully try to leave our guilt out of that decision making process and go for what would give him best opportunities and what is doable for us. Till now, I can't say we would had scarified anything to make those efforts to help him (now that he is an adult, as a child it was a different story) and if there will be a day, we actually have to sacrifice something worthwhile, we have to cross those bridges then. But all that was not really what I tried to say. I wasn't trying to comment how I think you should act making your new choices (and again, I absolutely have no competence to have an opinion of that), I was talking about being careful with our own self talk and trying to get rid of guilty feelings in that. And in the end that has very little to do with our children per se, even very simply telling them, that we now hindsight feel bad we didn't try to do another choice and maybe things would have turned differently and that we feel very bad for what happened, may be plenty to their direction. But accepting guilt and dealing and living with it inside of us, is what I was trying to comment on. [/QUOTE]
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