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Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623056" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am posting in response to Suzir's post on sandboxes and censorship. </p><p></p><p>It was on this thread that SuZir suggested that I consider the shame, guilt, and regret I felt at my difficult child's near murder at the hands of her daughter's father to be appropriate. </p><p></p><p>As SuZir reminded me, there are real life consequences to the choices we make...and I had chosen to detach. While I was surprised at SuZir's response...I had to admit that in a way, she was correct. As I answered her post, I began remembering all the times we had taken one or another child in, all the failures, all the money and pain and hopelessness and etc. So, I was able to answer SuZir in an acceptable way, and considered the incident closed. I believed it to have been an opportunity to clarify my own thinking, and had found the experience valuable.</p><p></p><p>SuZir has again posted about detachment and censorship and responsibility and judging. </p><p></p><p>I am posting a peek into what it is like, loving a difficult child child turned adult.</p><p> </p><p>Within the week following these postings, we would learn of difficult child's multiple organ failure, come to expect an imminent ending, and experience a miraculous reprieve. </p><p></p><p>This week?</p><p></p><p>difficult child granddaughter is being sent to her half brother. On a bus. To another state. Alone. To her third school for this year. </p><p></p><p>difficult child daughter "will not have" granddaughter's truancy. Nor will she put up with granddaughter's attitude toward her. difficult child daughter told me last night that she considers granddaughter to be very much like she was, at that age. difficult child daughter says granddaughter's life will get better when granddaughter decides to choose to make it better and not a minute sooner, and that sending her to her half-brother will be the best thing for her.</p><p></p><p>Something she wishes we had done, difficult child daughter tossed out, instead of therapy and more therapy, instead of treatment center after treatment center, each more intense.</p><p></p><p>Maybe difficult child daughter is right. None of that helped her. None of this was a big enough deal to post about. </p><p></p><p>Except for SuZir's post.</p><p></p><p>There are times when, though we believe we understand a situation, we do not. I would not have agreed with detachment while my adult difficult children were younger. Detachment is something I do for my sanity, for my life. </p><p></p><p>I am adding this information to this thread because the things that have happened to all of us just in the past few weeks would be abnormal in a normal family. For a family loving a difficult child adult, <u>this</u> is normal. And that is the other piece we forgot to address during our discussion on </p><p>guilt/detachment/responsibility.</p><p></p><p>A difficult child's life changes rapidly and completely. That is the norm. The one thing that stays the same is the unending expectation of money, cars, I.D.s, license re-instatements, fines. Late night calls from jail. Multiple court dates. So many that I barely remember the acute shame I felt the first time difficult child daughter had court, the first time I saw her in handcuffs.</p><p></p><p>Whatever.</p><p></p><p>Old stuff.</p><p></p><p>Granddaughter is scheduled to leave this week. Yes, we sent money. (The ticket will be paid for by the Women's Shelter.) This was money so granddaughter will have some money BECAUSE difficult child, WHO CLAIMS SHE LOST HER PURSE WITH BETWEEN $800 AND $1200 IN IT BUT PROBABLY REALLY BLEW HER TAX RETURN AT THE CASINO, has no money. </p><p></p><p>And, for the upteenth time, no I.D.</p><p></p><p>Which was lost when her purse was lost.</p><p></p><p>If her purse was lost.</p><p></p><p>So, husband and I have about two days to claim granddaughter, or let her go to the step brother.</p><p>husband is leaning (heavily) toward the step brother, of course. But he did agree that we could take her if I thought that was best.</p><p></p><p>So, like always, I am thinking what to do. I will be blamed (and will probably blame myself) whatever the outcome, here. </p><p></p><p>These are things the parents of a younger difficult child could not know (yet). These are the chaotic kinds of things parents of normal children will never understand. Lest there be someone reading who condemns me for not taking both difficult child daughter and granddaughter in when the beating happened and difficult child granddaughter ran away from her aunt? (Who had, because I faced down my daughter and went to bat for the aunt with Social Services, just attained legal custody.) difficult child daughter was too badly injured to leave the state where she had medical care. The Shelter provided counseling for difficult child to heal from having been beaten, and it provided counseling for difficult child daughter and granddaughter to restore their relationship after difficult child daughter's betrayal of her own children over drugs and alcohol ~ and over the people, the nasty, violent people, who used drugs and alcohol in the house where difficult child daughter was living with her children. </p><p></p><p>Was living with my grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>For those still inclined to judge: difficult child daughter and all four kids lived with husband and I for three months the summer difficult child decided to move back North. Then? I lived with difficult child daughter to help with the kids, to get the apartment set up, to see it furnished and the kids appropriately clothed for the Winter before we went South. That was six weeks more. I slept on the floor. On the weekends when difficult child was off, I would go home so she and her family could come into balance in their new environment. At one point, we received a call from the male who would, some year and a half later, first save difficult child from the streets and then, beat her half to death. He told us difficult child daughter had moved homeless meth heads into the apartment during the three days I had been gone.</p><p></p><p>We kicked them out.</p><p></p><p>Blah, blah, blah on the rest of it. </p><p></p><p>Those of you into judging, into believing that those parents who have tried every single thing haven't done quite enough, or haven't done all that you would have...I hope you get the picture.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child granddaughter's chief complaint re: living with her mother? That difficult child daughter is running with the same druggie, counter-culture people she ran with when this all started (and she is), and is dragging granddaughter to the places they live with her. One of difficult child daughter's complaints? That she has to be back at the Shelter by 8 p.m. because granddaughter is with her.</p><p></p><p>She could stay out until 11 p.m. if granddaughter were not there.</p><p></p><p>How do I feel, knowing my daughter is thinking like this?</p><p></p><p>Numb. No judging. Trying to stay emotionally detached for the sake of my own sanity.</p><p></p><p>I have spent the past two years intensely focused on difficult child issues.</p><p></p><p>And this is the chaotic upshot.</p><p></p><p>So, for those parents who wish to judge those of us making the decision to detach? We have been where you are, now. By this point in my own journey, I understand all too well that other parents will judge me harshly. Though I would like to be respected, held up as a good mother, cherished by my children...I am not.</p><p></p><p>I get that.</p><p></p><p>I get it, that I am judged by those who managed to raise their children well, and are reaping the rewards of close and healthy families. Know how I know that, know how I know the taste of that?</p><p></p><p>Because there was a time when I was a judger, too. I was smug, sanctimonious, self righteous.</p><p></p><p>Then, the bottom fell out of the world.</p><p></p><p>It is somewhat hurtful to be reminded of the very things I whisper to myself sometimes, in the deep of the night.</p><p></p><p>But...if you are judging me, then you literally have no idea. I hope you never find yourself here, in our ranks. I hope you never come to know what I know. There is no pain quite like this.</p><p></p><p>It's like a kaliedescope of pain. Ever-changing, almost mesmerizing in its intensity and its intricacy. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623056, member: 17461"] I am posting in response to Suzir's post on sandboxes and censorship. It was on this thread that SuZir suggested that I consider the shame, guilt, and regret I felt at my difficult child's near murder at the hands of her daughter's father to be appropriate. As SuZir reminded me, there are real life consequences to the choices we make...and I had chosen to detach. While I was surprised at SuZir's response...I had to admit that in a way, she was correct. As I answered her post, I began remembering all the times we had taken one or another child in, all the failures, all the money and pain and hopelessness and etc. So, I was able to answer SuZir in an acceptable way, and considered the incident closed. I believed it to have been an opportunity to clarify my own thinking, and had found the experience valuable. SuZir has again posted about detachment and censorship and responsibility and judging. I am posting a peek into what it is like, loving a difficult child child turned adult. Within the week following these postings, we would learn of difficult child's multiple organ failure, come to expect an imminent ending, and experience a miraculous reprieve. This week? difficult child granddaughter is being sent to her half brother. On a bus. To another state. Alone. To her third school for this year. difficult child daughter "will not have" granddaughter's truancy. Nor will she put up with granddaughter's attitude toward her. difficult child daughter told me last night that she considers granddaughter to be very much like she was, at that age. difficult child daughter says granddaughter's life will get better when granddaughter decides to choose to make it better and not a minute sooner, and that sending her to her half-brother will be the best thing for her. Something she wishes we had done, difficult child daughter tossed out, instead of therapy and more therapy, instead of treatment center after treatment center, each more intense. Maybe difficult child daughter is right. None of that helped her. None of this was a big enough deal to post about. Except for SuZir's post. There are times when, though we believe we understand a situation, we do not. I would not have agreed with detachment while my adult difficult children were younger. Detachment is something I do for my sanity, for my life. I am adding this information to this thread because the things that have happened to all of us just in the past few weeks would be abnormal in a normal family. For a family loving a difficult child adult, [U]this[/U] is normal. And that is the other piece we forgot to address during our discussion on guilt/detachment/responsibility. A difficult child's life changes rapidly and completely. That is the norm. The one thing that stays the same is the unending expectation of money, cars, I.D.s, license re-instatements, fines. Late night calls from jail. Multiple court dates. So many that I barely remember the acute shame I felt the first time difficult child daughter had court, the first time I saw her in handcuffs. Whatever. Old stuff. Granddaughter is scheduled to leave this week. Yes, we sent money. (The ticket will be paid for by the Women's Shelter.) This was money so granddaughter will have some money BECAUSE difficult child, WHO CLAIMS SHE LOST HER PURSE WITH BETWEEN $800 AND $1200 IN IT BUT PROBABLY REALLY BLEW HER TAX RETURN AT THE CASINO, has no money. And, for the upteenth time, no I.D. Which was lost when her purse was lost. If her purse was lost. So, husband and I have about two days to claim granddaughter, or let her go to the step brother. husband is leaning (heavily) toward the step brother, of course. But he did agree that we could take her if I thought that was best. So, like always, I am thinking what to do. I will be blamed (and will probably blame myself) whatever the outcome, here. These are things the parents of a younger difficult child could not know (yet). These are the chaotic kinds of things parents of normal children will never understand. Lest there be someone reading who condemns me for not taking both difficult child daughter and granddaughter in when the beating happened and difficult child granddaughter ran away from her aunt? (Who had, because I faced down my daughter and went to bat for the aunt with Social Services, just attained legal custody.) difficult child daughter was too badly injured to leave the state where she had medical care. The Shelter provided counseling for difficult child to heal from having been beaten, and it provided counseling for difficult child daughter and granddaughter to restore their relationship after difficult child daughter's betrayal of her own children over drugs and alcohol ~ and over the people, the nasty, violent people, who used drugs and alcohol in the house where difficult child daughter was living with her children. Was living with my grandchildren. For those still inclined to judge: difficult child daughter and all four kids lived with husband and I for three months the summer difficult child decided to move back North. Then? I lived with difficult child daughter to help with the kids, to get the apartment set up, to see it furnished and the kids appropriately clothed for the Winter before we went South. That was six weeks more. I slept on the floor. On the weekends when difficult child was off, I would go home so she and her family could come into balance in their new environment. At one point, we received a call from the male who would, some year and a half later, first save difficult child from the streets and then, beat her half to death. He told us difficult child daughter had moved homeless meth heads into the apartment during the three days I had been gone. We kicked them out. Blah, blah, blah on the rest of it. Those of you into judging, into believing that those parents who have tried every single thing haven't done quite enough, or haven't done all that you would have...I hope you get the picture. difficult child granddaughter's chief complaint re: living with her mother? That difficult child daughter is running with the same druggie, counter-culture people she ran with when this all started (and she is), and is dragging granddaughter to the places they live with her. One of difficult child daughter's complaints? That she has to be back at the Shelter by 8 p.m. because granddaughter is with her. She could stay out until 11 p.m. if granddaughter were not there. How do I feel, knowing my daughter is thinking like this? Numb. No judging. Trying to stay emotionally detached for the sake of my own sanity. I have spent the past two years intensely focused on difficult child issues. And this is the chaotic upshot. So, for those parents who wish to judge those of us making the decision to detach? We have been where you are, now. By this point in my own journey, I understand all too well that other parents will judge me harshly. Though I would like to be respected, held up as a good mother, cherished by my children...I am not. I get that. I get it, that I am judged by those who managed to raise their children well, and are reaping the rewards of close and healthy families. Know how I know that, know how I know the taste of that? Because there was a time when I was a judger, too. I was smug, sanctimonious, self righteous. Then, the bottom fell out of the world. It is somewhat hurtful to be reminded of the very things I whisper to myself sometimes, in the deep of the night. But...if you are judging me, then you literally have no idea. I hope you never find yourself here, in our ranks. I hope you never come to know what I know. There is no pain quite like this. It's like a kaliedescope of pain. Ever-changing, almost mesmerizing in its intensity and its intricacy. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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