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Met Jumper's boyfriend's father and aunt at football game last night...haha. Psycho!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 460009" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It can be hairy when your teen daughters get caught up with first BFs from dysfunctional families. Also something to watch for - because you have multiple difficult children, Jumper is almost certainly in "fix it" mode. I know my girls are/have been, especially easy child. Often the eldest does this, or at least the eldest easy child (or near-easy child). My BFF is also a "fix it" person, and as a result has at times been badly burned by people she tried to help who, frankly, did not want to be helped.</p><p></p><p>In our experience - easy child met her first boyfriend at a camp for kids who help care for a disabled family member. easy child was 14, the boy was 15. They stayed in touch, mostly over the phone, for the next few years. He would sometimes travel down to visit us for a weekend (when you live three hours away, day trips are not practical). They split up when he was going through high school final exams. Then got back together again because they were miserable. By this stage they were having sex but trying to hide the fact. Then they split up again. We worried about the relationship a lot, because this kid had a lot on his plate emotionally, living with his quadriplegic mother in sub-standard housing on the wrong side of the tracks. His mother is a hard case, verbally aggressive but underneath it all, I got on well with her. She can be a bit difficult sometimes, she also was determined to keep the kids together, she kept telling easy child that the kids were "soul mates".</p><p></p><p>End of the story - they're now married. SIL1 has grown from an awkward, loudmouth (at times) know it all to a very considerate, loving and go-getting man. He's always been compassionate (thanks to having to care for his mother from the age of 5) and now easy child is getting the benefit. His mother now has cancer and has refused all treatment (other than palliative). She also won't tell the kids any details, they don't even know what form of cancer it is or how (or if) it is progressing. </p><p></p><p>Story 2 - easy child 2/difficult child 2's first boyfriend. Well, first serious boyfriend anyway. He's (allegedly) a easy child, but with an absent mother. He was often left alone in the apartment while his mother went out. He would not know when she was coming home, often she would say, "I'm going out for a few hours," and not come home for days. She would leave him with some money to go buy food, but there were times when he ran out and he didn't know how to get in touch with her. easy child 2/difficult child 2 found herself being seen increasingly by this boyfriend as a substitute mother figure, and my girl really does love to mother people. But it was increasingly unhealthy. The end was inevitable - the boyfriend kept putting easy child 2/difficult child 2 on the "mummy" pedestal and at the same time, trying to rebel and act defiant. We now know he was almost certainly sleeping around - a year ago easy child 2/difficult child 2 had to have a colposcopy for pre-cancerous cervical patches due to HPV, which it is just too soon for her to have caught from SIL2.</p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 was increasingly unhappy in that relationship, and the boyfriend's mates were also trying to disrupt the relationship (they wanted their buddy back, unencumbered by any girls). When they broke up it was messy, he behaved very badly towards her. She handled it maturely (with my pulling on the reins to stop her blogging just as nastily as he did about her) and when they met a few months later they resolved any ongoing bad feeling. She had moved on by then and I think it hurt him how fast she was able to do this.</p><p>The interesting thing - the next boyfriend who became SIL2, is also a Young Carer and again, they met at camp. They actually had met while she was still with boyfriend and SIL2 kept his distance (and stayed just friends) until it was clear that the break-up had happened.</p><p></p><p>I've actually friended the exBF on FaceBook (it helps me keep tabs on what he's up to). I've seen him continue to make the same relationship mistakes. I met up with him at difficult child 1's best friend's wedding a month ago (ex-boyfriend was one of the groomsmen, difficult child 1 was best man). While I was happy to chat to the young man and his new girlfriend (who is very much cast by him in the "mummy" role - it can't last that way with him, but she won't hear it from me) I was left feeling that nothing has changed with him, and increasingly I am very glad that my daughter doesn't have to put up with his crud.</p><p></p><p>He's basically a nice guy who has been totally mucked up by a dysfunctional mother. The guy needs therapy before he will ever be able to be an equal partner in any relationship.</p><p></p><p>So MWM, Jumper's boyfriend may work out fine in spite of his family background, or he could be a basket case in the making. You don't know. With both my girls, there were times when I was very unhappy with the boyfriend and how he behaved. One time, SIL1 (as boyfriend) drove down with his mates in the wee small hours (a three hour drive) just to hoon around in our town. He telephoned at 2 am and I gave him an earful. Then husband took the phone from me and REALLY gave him what for. </p><p>To his credit, the boy apologised to us, was very contrite when he telephoned next day. And again next time he visited. And he never did it again.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure it was my kids' teen years that have given me the most grey hairs!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 460009, member: 1991"] It can be hairy when your teen daughters get caught up with first BFs from dysfunctional families. Also something to watch for - because you have multiple difficult children, Jumper is almost certainly in "fix it" mode. I know my girls are/have been, especially easy child. Often the eldest does this, or at least the eldest easy child (or near-easy child). My BFF is also a "fix it" person, and as a result has at times been badly burned by people she tried to help who, frankly, did not want to be helped. In our experience - easy child met her first boyfriend at a camp for kids who help care for a disabled family member. easy child was 14, the boy was 15. They stayed in touch, mostly over the phone, for the next few years. He would sometimes travel down to visit us for a weekend (when you live three hours away, day trips are not practical). They split up when he was going through high school final exams. Then got back together again because they were miserable. By this stage they were having sex but trying to hide the fact. Then they split up again. We worried about the relationship a lot, because this kid had a lot on his plate emotionally, living with his quadriplegic mother in sub-standard housing on the wrong side of the tracks. His mother is a hard case, verbally aggressive but underneath it all, I got on well with her. She can be a bit difficult sometimes, she also was determined to keep the kids together, she kept telling easy child that the kids were "soul mates". End of the story - they're now married. SIL1 has grown from an awkward, loudmouth (at times) know it all to a very considerate, loving and go-getting man. He's always been compassionate (thanks to having to care for his mother from the age of 5) and now easy child is getting the benefit. His mother now has cancer and has refused all treatment (other than palliative). She also won't tell the kids any details, they don't even know what form of cancer it is or how (or if) it is progressing. Story 2 - easy child 2/difficult child 2's first boyfriend. Well, first serious boyfriend anyway. He's (allegedly) a easy child, but with an absent mother. He was often left alone in the apartment while his mother went out. He would not know when she was coming home, often she would say, "I'm going out for a few hours," and not come home for days. She would leave him with some money to go buy food, but there were times when he ran out and he didn't know how to get in touch with her. easy child 2/difficult child 2 found herself being seen increasingly by this boyfriend as a substitute mother figure, and my girl really does love to mother people. But it was increasingly unhealthy. The end was inevitable - the boyfriend kept putting easy child 2/difficult child 2 on the "mummy" pedestal and at the same time, trying to rebel and act defiant. We now know he was almost certainly sleeping around - a year ago easy child 2/difficult child 2 had to have a colposcopy for pre-cancerous cervical patches due to HPV, which it is just too soon for her to have caught from SIL2. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was increasingly unhappy in that relationship, and the boyfriend's mates were also trying to disrupt the relationship (they wanted their buddy back, unencumbered by any girls). When they broke up it was messy, he behaved very badly towards her. She handled it maturely (with my pulling on the reins to stop her blogging just as nastily as he did about her) and when they met a few months later they resolved any ongoing bad feeling. She had moved on by then and I think it hurt him how fast she was able to do this. The interesting thing - the next boyfriend who became SIL2, is also a Young Carer and again, they met at camp. They actually had met while she was still with boyfriend and SIL2 kept his distance (and stayed just friends) until it was clear that the break-up had happened. I've actually friended the exBF on FaceBook (it helps me keep tabs on what he's up to). I've seen him continue to make the same relationship mistakes. I met up with him at difficult child 1's best friend's wedding a month ago (ex-boyfriend was one of the groomsmen, difficult child 1 was best man). While I was happy to chat to the young man and his new girlfriend (who is very much cast by him in the "mummy" role - it can't last that way with him, but she won't hear it from me) I was left feeling that nothing has changed with him, and increasingly I am very glad that my daughter doesn't have to put up with his crud. He's basically a nice guy who has been totally mucked up by a dysfunctional mother. The guy needs therapy before he will ever be able to be an equal partner in any relationship. So MWM, Jumper's boyfriend may work out fine in spite of his family background, or he could be a basket case in the making. You don't know. With both my girls, there were times when I was very unhappy with the boyfriend and how he behaved. One time, SIL1 (as boyfriend) drove down with his mates in the wee small hours (a three hour drive) just to hoon around in our town. He telephoned at 2 am and I gave him an earful. Then husband took the phone from me and REALLY gave him what for. To his credit, the boy apologised to us, was very contrite when he telephoned next day. And again next time he visited. And he never did it again. I'm sure it was my kids' teen years that have given me the most grey hairs! Marg [/QUOTE]
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Met Jumper's boyfriend's father and aunt at football game last night...haha. Psycho!
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