Some of you may recall that JT text messaged me a number of weeks ago in the middle of the night that he was drunk. He is 20 years old, has had a number of underage drinking-related charges over the past two years, including an arrest and jailing for distributing alcohol to minors. He also smokes, loves his bad-boy, bad-attitude image, and along with being narcissistic, shows very little concern for others/low conscience. I don't know if he is abusing drugs, other than alcohol, but I know he has had multiple prescriptions for pain-killers over the past two years. He is promiscuous and has had at least a half dozen girlfriends in as many months. They drop him in amazingly short time.
JT has been employed full-time in a very good factory job for over six months and lives on his own, though he is extremely irresponsible with his financial obligations. We have not provided him with any financial support over the past four months. I have posted before about my concerns that he has a personality disorder (anti-social/sociopathic/psychopathic). He also LIES regularly. He lies so much, I think he actually believes what he says. All of these things have made it SO hard to have a decent relationship with him. It is easier to detach, however.
So, here is a recent text-message exchange with JT:
JT: I'll be fishing all weekend. If u bring Bubby (our younger son) up with a life jacket I'll take him out with me. I got a new boat and kind of an amazing spot for catfish that he'd love. If it makes you more comfortable, u or dad could come with or grandpa.
Me: We're not available this weekend. As far as fishing, we could arrange a time in the future for Bubby to fish on shore with you and one or both of your dad and me present.
JT: OK
Later . . .
JT: I'm thinking about grilling at grandma and grandpa's this weekend for them. I don't know if u guys are unavailable for that as well.
Me: We do have some plans this weekend, although your dad isn't feeling well. We love you and want a good relationship but deserve to be treated with dignity, honesty, and respect. Pretending nothing is wrong isn't helpful. We need you to acknowledge certain issues and work on repairing the relationship. Again, we love you.
JT: What are the certain issues?
Me: Example: Texting your mom in the middle of the night that you are drunk.
JT: It wasn't even me. We were eating at (XYZ Pub & Grill) and (ABC Girlfriend) took my phone.
Me: All I know is I got a text message in the middle of the night from your phone that said "I'm drunk". Are you denying that you drink?
JT: No, I'm denying that I sent that message.
Me: It is not okay with me to receive those sorts of disrespectful text messages.
JT: I agree.
Me: That gets in the way of me wanting to be around you. I also don't want to be around a substance abuser. We accept that you can make your own choices but we don't have to associate with it.
JT: I don't abuse anything. Having a beer is not abusing alcohol. As far as all the other things u think I do, ur wrong. I haven't even taken my pill for like a month.
Me: The lifestyle choices you've made the past two years have been detrimental to our relationship: drinking, smoking, porn, failure to meet financial obligations, and sleeping with different women, to name a few. We accept you can make these choices, but we don't care to spend time with you while you're living this way. We're not comfortable with it.
JT: OK
Me: Is it really?
JT: What else am I supposed to say to that?
Me: We're always here when you want to make some positive changes in your life.
JT: Thanks
Later . . .
JT: Sends image of what appears to be a burn on his arm asking if he should go in to Fast Care because he thinks it's infected.
Me: (No response)
Maybe this seems like I'm overreacting, but I am stuck on the lies.
So, JT denied sending me the text message in the middle of the night that he was drunk, claiming his female friend sent it when they were eating at a local pub & grill. Beyond the fact that it makes no sense that someone else would send such a message if he weren't drunk, to his mom, no less, I learned that this pub & grill closes at 9 p.m. I received the text message at midnight on a Saturday night. I am SO sick and tired of the constant LIES. Side note: JT has a history of sending cocky text messages in the middle of the night to both his dad and me. We suspect that he has been drinking on these occasions as well.
Plus . . . he admits to drinking, which is illegal at his age and has caused him trouble with the law for the past two years, stating that it's no big deal he has a beer now and then.
As for the pain pills, I have stopped asking about them. I used to worry so much about him taking prescription painkillers. JT is very accident prone, and he has had numerous injuries for which he has received pain pills over the past couple of years. The more I warned him not to take them more than needed or mix them with any other medications, etc., the more he would share with me that he was taking so many of them. It was as if he enjoyed exercising his independence and scaring me in the process.
Bottom line: After I attempted to set boundaries and detach in the text message exchange, stating we deserved to be treated with honesty, JT lies to me again (as if he didn't send the "I'm drunk" text message from his own phone)! If I were to confront him about this, he would lie some more, and the new lies would contradict the old ones, but in his world, that is irrelevant. Anything he says in any given moment is the absolute truth simply because he is JT, and JT said it.
It doesn't phase him that he is causing us and the rest of his family pain and grief. He minimizes the awful things he does and says. He denies the truth when confronted, and he blames others for his actions. He has no moral or ethical values.
JT will continue to deny his substance abuse, attitude, and behavior problems. He makes zero effort to change anything, because he doesn't acknowledge it exists. He makes it seem as though we're the ones who are crazy making because he isn't drinking too much, abusing pills, or responsible for the text messages that come from his phone, apparently. He just wants to spend time with his brother. Actually, I think he really wanted to show off his boat.
This is the same person who denied the beer cans in his pick-up truck bed were his and the same person who denied the cigarette butts in his jeans pockets were his.
WHERE do we go from here? What if JT is not an addict, but just getting drunk now and then? Should we cut off contact as much as possible? Do we continue to try to have periodic conversations for the sake of hope for the future? We have tried so hard and provided JT with many, many opportunities to succeed in life. He has no appreciation and no gratitude at all, and he feels absolutely no sense of obligation to others. I just can't reconcile JT's lifestyle and behaviors with my own moral compass. I don't feel very hopeful. The more I read, the more I realize that JT's remarkably constant personality and behavioral traits are symptoms of a disorder that is resistant to treatment. The substance abuse is only a symptom of the underlying problem.
