Ok here is my take... and my difficult child is very very similar to JT. I think it is important to remember you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it! This is so very very true. It sounds like from your interchange that you still are hoping to cure and control his substance abuse. You can't. No matter how much you want to and how hard you try you can't. It really is his decision of whether or not he uses substances. You cant control his lifestyle either... if he wants to be promiscuious, at the age of 20 that really is his business.
You can set limits and boundaries on what you will and will not do for him. You can set limits and walk away if he treats you badly. You can choose not to let him live with you. You can choose to not give him financial support.
But do you really want to send the message that you wont have a relationship with him at all if he is using substances? Maybe you do... and that is your choice. However if you are trying to make him choose between you and using substances you will lose. For an addict their most important relationship is with the substance and while they are using you cant compete with that.
For me with my son, who is very similar to yours, I want to keep the doors to a relationship open. I have several reasons for this... one is for me because I love him and at times still have hope (and at times I dont). The other major reason is that I think for most addicts in recovery one of the things that can make a huge difference in their success is support from family and friends....and so I want to keep that door open for when my son is really ready to take the leap and work hard towards recovery.
My son is currently in jail and one of the past times he was in jail I realized that the only thing that may keep him from becoming a hardened criminal is the love of his mother... now it may not keep him from that but it may.
It seems to me from your interchange that JT may be setting you up for a big manipulation, that is totally believable.... but he may also be trying to keep a thread of a relationship because in some part of him that may be important to him. You really dont know either way.
My son was recently in a treatment program for 6 months... he has been in many (out of state) and this was the longest he lasted and I think part of the reason was he was in the same state as us and we visited him every week.
So I think it is important to keep the door to a future relationship open, unless doing so is harmful to you because I do think you definitely have to take care of yourself first.
For me part of detachment has been letting go of control and letting go of the outcome.... it is what it is, what is going to happen is going to happen but I will love him in the process.
TL
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