Reply to thread

The varied responses here reflect my inner world of confusion and mixed emotions in sorting this all out.


I waffle between complete hurt, disappointment, and anger to the hopefulness that just maybe difficult child will grow up and mature out of this at some point.  Navigating contact with him is unbelievably challenging emotionally.


Lately, I am detesting all of the lies.  I hate being lied to, and I know for a fact JT lied about being at the particular pub and grill where he adamantly insisted someone else texted me he was drunk.  This is because the text came through at midnight, and the pub closed at 9 p.m.  So, obviously, JT is lying about that.  He lies constantly, and I can't stand it.


I appreciate what many of you shared about keeping some sort of contact with JT.  I feel SO conflicted.


I think I am dealing with much more than an addicted adult son.  I think I am dealing with layers upon layers of issues.  We have the early neglect JT experienced from birth to two in his bio family's home.  His bio family has a history of alcohol and drug abuse (and who knows about JT's prenatal exposure), as well as legal problems and domestic violence.  There is the adoption and attachment stuff.  On top of that, JT has severe ADHD and has always been extremely stubborn, oppositional, and difficult to parent.  Then, there is the substance abuse, and also his abnormal, very challenging personality.  Who he is does not represent, in the least, anything we have raised him to be.  I don't recognize anything in him that honors or respects our role in his life at all, period.


This isn't a situation where the alcohol abuse is responsible for all of his negative behaviors and traits.  On the contrary, I think his alcohol abuse is a symptom of an underlying personality disorder.  JT's personality and behavioral traits have been remarkably constant throughout his entire life.  The outrageous grandiosity and narcissism, as well as the lack of empathy and emotional attachment, for example, are not new.  Even at kindergarten age, JT truly believed he was smarter and more knowledgeable than all of the adults in his life.  Most people responded by trying to put him in his place and bring him back to earth, but it never worked.


I remember looking out the window into our back yard as then 5yo JT played with his brand new toys, including lots of trucks and cars.  I was shocked that he was smashing them to bits with a huge rock, enjoying every minute.  He eventually ruined every toy he ever owned on purpose.  Things were either disassembled, never to be reassembled, or demolished.  Someone gave us an outdoor playhouse, and instead of playing in it, JT ripped off all of the shingles.  I didn't understand then why he ruined things and never seemed to regret it, but I know now that JT did these things to stimulate himself.  I believe he was chronically under-aroused, and destroying things, especially things he wasn't supposed to, was quite thrilling to him; much more thrilling than playing with toys as intended/expected.  Getting an adult reaction was also quite thrilling to him.


Even now, JT remains chronically under-aroused and sensation seeking.  As an adult, he copes with this by having sex "with everyone he meets", as his friend put it, using alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, taking risks, behaving badly, and enjoying the negative drama he brings to our family.  Also important is the fact that he doesn't modify his behavior in the face of negative consequences.  It seems as though there is no learning and no growing going on.


Honestly, it is hard to tolerate him for more than 15 minutes at a time.  Other friends and family feel the same.  People tire of his incredibly cocky, arrogant attitude, as well as his knack for using people to get what he wants.


Finally, he has no respect for the wishes of others.  For example, if we were hypothetically to bring Bubby to fish with him and see his new boat, and I requested that JT remove any beer cans or cigarettes and lighters from his boat and gear for Bubby's sake especially, I highly doubt he would do so.  In his world, he is entitled to do as he pleases, and he seems completely incapable of grasping that others may hold valid opinions and values that differ from his own.


So, while some parents of adult addicts may have genuine reason to hope for a positive relationship in substance abuse recovery with their children, I wonder what my chances are for that.  It seems like the odds are against it.  I don't know how to be with JT.  Whenever I see him, I just end up feeling SO bad.  It's like an emotional slap in the face every time.  Why do I feel so obligated and guilt-ridden while he carries on boisterously?  Why do I suffer the sleepless nights and sick feeling in my stomach while he drinks and smokes and parties?  Why? 


Does JT want a true, healthy relationship with us?  I don't know.  I really don't.  Manipulation is certainly not out of the question, as he has manipulated in the recent past this way.  For example, JT brown-nosed his grandparents by asking to go to church with them (after months of not attending), only to then expect his grandmother to wash all of his dirty clothes while he worked on projects in their garage after church.  He has manipulated many of his girlfriends as well, and they caught on fast, in every case.


My eyes are wide open, and I have no illusions.


My feelings are ambiguous.  I am a deeply caring, sensitive person, and that part of who I am wants to rise above and continue to love this person who does not love me back.  The only positive things I can say I enjoy about JT's personality are his intelligence and his sense of humor.  Beyond that, I can't stand his attitude or his behaviors.  I don't know how to really visit with him or what detaching with love really looks like.  I am in pieces over this.


Top