SB---think on these things.
1. There is absolutely no way to know about any co-occurring disorder until the addiction is treated. I have heard many people say, time and again, that all of the negative behavior disappears when the person is in recovery, truly in recovery.
So, there is no point wasting your time and energy trying to figure that out. If he ever does go to rehab, this would be the time to bring this up, your questions about a co-occurring disorder.
Believe me. Believe me, SB, I have lain awake for hours and hours trying to understand and figure the very same thing out. Maybe difficult child is really mentally ill and THAT's why he uses. Blah Blah Blah.
To what end? All of my brilliant "figuring out" didn't do one thing to change anything. I kept thinking, if only, if only I could get him to the RIGHT kind of help....blah blah blah.
Again, me, trying to manage HIM.
It doesn't matter, SB. It really doesn't.
And---
2. Drug addicts lie. That is what they do. It is part of the disease. I also am sickened at the lies. I can't tolerate the idea that he thinks I'm so stupid that I believe the bs. But SB, that's just it.
He doesn't think. He is in the grip of a terrible disease, and one of the characteristics of that disease is lying. And manipulation. And grandiosity. And immature thinking.
It's the disease, SB. It's not him, It's the disease.
So...again...what is the point? What is the point of wasting your precious energy and your precious talent and your precious time stewing over something you can't. do. one. thing. about?
If only we could understand....I know, I know. been there done that. Waste of time. Waste of time, SB.
3. It's not about you. His disease is not aimed at you or about you. It's about him. You are just caught in the crossfire because you love him and you are trying to have a relationship with him. That is why some people take a break from their difficult children. That is why Echo stopped seeing difficult child for a time. Sometimes their disease is just too much for us. It's too painful. It's too hard.
The answer to that is limits. Limits of your time communicating with him and seeing him. Keep it small. See what you can tolerate, if anything. Test out some boundaries. Write them down, and test them. Then change them---see what works for YOU. That is about you, SB.
*****
I say this compassionately and warmly and from having been right where you are, and sometimes, I can go back there again, but thankfully, only for a brief time.
You are in a phase of this journey, SB. Keep on truckin' (phrase borrowed from the 70s, lol). Keep moving forward. Keep working on you. Writing down your thoughts like you did above---that is healing, that is therapeutic. Get it all out there, no matter how it sounds. It helps.
Now, today, fill your mind with new thinking. Fill your time with new ways of living. Scrub the kitchen floor on your hands and knees if you have to. Read Beverly Conyers book ---- just finished it. It's one mom's journey and living with what we are all living with, and how to move forward.
