COM, I worry that this isn't just the substance abuse since the behaviors and attitudes have been present from the beginning. In fact, JT's defiant childhood behavior was so bad that we felt his teens were actually better years overall. Yet, you're 100% correct that all my figuring makes zero difference anyway. I guess I am trying to know the future, i.e. What is going to happen? How is this going to turn out? If I could know this, then I could do the right thing now.
I am learning the difference between a rule ("you" statements) and a boundary ("I" statements), and this is helpful to me in defining what is and what is not okay for ME to endure and expose myself to. In terms of a visit, let's say a short fishing activity, I could set a boundary that I am not willing to have Bubby exposed to reminders of JT's drinking, smoking, and negative lifestyle habits etc., including beer cans/bottles, cigarettes, lighters, guns, and large knives. If these items are strewn about, we will not be staying, as I am not comfortable with Bubby seeing all that stuff. In terms of conversation, I can choose not to engage in any circular arguments or bragging/boasting, or negative put-downs, etc. Instead of telling JT that he cannot talk to me that way (rule), I would say that I am not willing to spend time in the presence of someone who berates me in any way, and then I would leave (boundary). I do feel empowered (for once) by this, so a BRIEF visit may be possible under the right circumstances.
Yes it is! I am struggling with this the most. Were JT not my son I would want nothing to do with him. Everything he says and does conflicts with my values it seems. And I feel guilty for feeling this way. It seems so unnatural for a parent to feel this way, and also so unnatural for an adult child to behave this way.
I actually hope he does end up in jail. We regret having bailed him out the last time he was arrested. No more bail-outs, only natural consequences for the choices. I often wonder if his extreme arrogance would tone down a notch if he were jailed again and not spared the consequences. Last time, when we bailed him out, instead of feeling remorseful or having a wake-up call, he simply said, "I could have beat that rap!" Wow, I am so impressed!
I am glad to hear you still feel love for your daughter. I am blinded by my anger and hurt right now. Maybe detaching will actually give me the respite I need so I can get to the place where you are. I need a break from the drama and verbal taunts and arguments. It is SO draining and SO pointless too. Parents are supposed to be a huge influence in their children's lives, and I honestly feel as though I have had (and continue to have) no influence whatsoever on JT's life. In fact, he lives in complete opposition to anything I have ever valued. It's hard to see any good in him at all. And this is what despairs me most. So, guess I am not so detached after all, because I still feel that so deeply. Paradoxically, if I can just step off the ledge and let go of the outcome, my feet will touch the ground, and hopefully, I can love from a distance.
